Thursday, August 06, 2009

The matchmaker wants me to slut it up a little

Tonight I met with a friend of Mottel, Gila, a matchmaker who lives in Crown Heights. I'm not Lubavitch, so every time I go to Crown Heights on my own I get lost. Fortunately, the kallah was shopping for Shabbos and had her cell phone on, so I met up with her for directions to the pizza store (atrocious) and the matchmaker's house.

My initial phone conversation with Gila was interesting.

"You are modern orthodox," she said after my brief self-description. "Ashkenazi?"

"Yes," I said.

"So you would not go out with a Persian?"

"If he's shomer shabbat, shomer kashrut, and normal, I'd go out with him," I said.

"Okay. But not a Bukharen," she insisted.

"Uh, well, I wouldn't say that," I said. "As long as he's a nice guy..."

"You don't date divorced men," she declared.

"Actually," I said, "I do."

"But not with kids."

"Well, it depends on how old the kids are, and how many, and whether they live with him," I said. "I don't want to live with teenage stepchildren who will hate me the minute I walk in the door."

"That's very practical!" she said.

"I try," I said.

When I met with Gila, she had me fill out a form with a brief self-description and what I'm seeking. She looked me up and down appraisingly. Since I had anger management group tonight, I was wearing a very long skirt.

"Some guys, the modern ones, they tell me they're looking for a girl who dresses, you know, sexy," she said. "They are not like Lubavitch men, you know, who look at the neshama and midos and the soul. When you go on a date, you can wear clothing that is more... fitted? A shorter skirt, more straight?"

I'm too modest for this matchmaker?

"Of course," I said. "At work I try not to dress too sexy, because most of my clients are male. I don't wear makeup, either. But when I go out, I do. I'll email you a picture of how I look dressed up."

"You look very young for your age," Gila continued.

"Thank you," I said. "I work hard at it. I take good care of my skin."

"Really?" she asked. "What do you use?" I promised to email her links to some of the products.

"Is it okay if I don't tell the guys your age?" she asked.

Oy. I've never lied about my age. I've surprised people when I tell them, but I've never lied.

"The thing is," she said, "even men in their forties, they think they want a much younger girl. But if they meet you, and they see how pretty you are, and how nice, and friendly, smart, then when they find out your exact age, who cares?"

"Well, I wouldn't want you to lie," I said. "I guess you could say I'm in my 30s."

"Over 35?" she asked.

"Definitely."

The form mentioned something about a fee, and I said, "I wasn't aware there was a fee."

"Only if the shidduch happens, if I am your shaliach," she said. I can live with that.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

9 comments:

  1. Haha, oh man. That doesnt sound right. "I'm your shaliach. Now dress skankier."

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  2. Good luck, hon.

    God help us because nobody else will.

    --S

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  3. Whatever works, Frum Punk...

    S., I *so* hear ya.

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  4. I *warned* you the pizza was atrocious! At least the shadchan was good!

    The kallah

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  5. Well you have to decide what fish you want to catch. Then put out the appropriate bait.

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  6. Yes, you warned me, kallah ;) It was edible, I shouldn't complain.

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  7. Umm, lubavitch men look only at the neshama?! Is that why chabad girls have the reputation of dressing the sluttiest and hottest of all chadidishe groups?

    In my 'hood, the chabad chicks are the ones with super-tight tops, ankle bracelets, brightly painted toes (visible through open-toed sandals, worn to shul, no stockings), and even nose rings. I am quite sure they have really beautiful neshamos, too.

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  8. Question: What is a Bukharen? Something to do with Russia or communism?

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  9. Bukharens come from Bukhara, part of the former Soviet Union. Now I think it's part of Uzbekistan.

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