Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Neuter me

Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
Of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood,
Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose nor keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall... (Macbeth, I.v.40-48)

Lady Macbeth wanted to purge herself of any vestige of feminine kindness so she could commit a murder. I just want to rid myself of lust, desire, and longing for romance.

I've written a few times about how frustrating it is to be bipolar and celibate. These past few weeks have been especially awful. I am burning through AA batteries like you wouldn't believe, and I am utterly miserable. Every night is achingly lonely. I'm not even looking forward to the cruise -- I'm afraid I'll feel like yesterday's garbage next to all the younger, thinner women on the ship, enjoying the sea air with their a) husbands, b) boyfriends, c) lovers, or d) all of the above.

So I wish I could be neutered, and never have to feel this wretched desire anymore. Just asexual. Not needing closeness or touch or pleasure or passion.

I think I'm going to die if I never find someone to love me and have sex with me. A lot. A lot.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Sorry you are feeling low. I know some days are harder than others in terms of being lonely etc. I am sure you'll get past this.

    You'd be amazed at how little sex married people have. And I bet the cruise is crawling with Singles (for worse and hopefully better)

  2. Hang in. Hang in. Hang in.

    It'll get better.


  3. what cruise are you going on? The one I went to was full of really old people...most people were i their 50s or higher, and the young people were all their kids...

  4. I hear that, Anonymous. A lot of my married (male) friends are underwhelmed by their sex lives. I don't think that would be a problem with me. In any relationship I've ever been in, I've always wanted as much as I could get and then some.

    Thanks for the chizuk, S.

    AE, there will probably be some retirees on the cruise, but I'm going with a group of singles, and I know there will also be a bunch of families. It will be a mix. I probably won't be the fattest woman on the cruise, but I won't be the thinnest, and at 39, I feel like I'm the most unmarried.

  5. Ayelet,
    It is spayed actually, males get neutered. And don't do it just yet, hang in there.

    And forget about weight. If you exude sexy and confident, men pay attention. They don't care the size of your clothes or the number on the scale. They also seem easily distracted by cleavage and a little leg.

    Either way, have a great time. And remember, if none of the guests spark your fancy, there is always the bartender!

  6. Good to know it ain't just men that get horny. And what you and others have said about marital sex being sparse and underwhelming really really makes me think thrice about getting married again. Oh, sure, no one ever expects married sex to be blah, but then why is it? I don't want to be there.

    If it's just sex that you crave, at least for now, I'm sure you don't have to try very er, hard to satisfy that! Guys would be happy to have a little sump'n sump'n witchoo.

  7. It is a very difficult situation to be in. I totally understand. One day you'll look back on this time and say, "Boy that sucked."

    But in the meantime, you might find some interest in Rabbi Noah Weinberg's tape on the power of sex, #17 in the series of the 48 Ways.

    Why did Hashem plant inside of us the desire for sex? It helps us become one with our zivug, our other half. It also helps make sure we procreate.

    But more importantly, it is a manifestation of our desire to be one with the Infinite.