Monday, September 28, 2009

How was your fast, Ayelet?

Fasting isn't very difficult when you spend most of the day in bed. After my seizure -- the first but not last chagim-related trip to the ER -- I get to skip most other fast days and spend Yom Kippur at home. Which I primarily do in bed. I was kind of uncomfortable -- feverish, sore throat, swollen glands -- but I wasn't talking or walking around, so it was bearable.

Theoretically I could daven from the Yom Kippur machzor. Read over some of the highlights. But davening has never been one of my strong suits. So I spent the day either reading, dozing, or praying for my friends.

I didn't bother praying for myself. I decided long ago that my prayers for myself are neither heard nor heeded. But I did try to think of everyboy I know and care about who needs at least a few prayers. I didn't think Gd would be so vindictive as to curse the people I prayed for.

It was kind of difficult, because of course I didn't have my computer on, and I tend to keep track of my friends on the computer, either on Facebook or on my email contacts lists. But I think I remembered most of them. And I hope they get everything they need and much more than they deserve, because my friends are good people. They must be -- they put up with me.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Tallying the "how old should I date" responses

Recently I blogged that a friend thought I should search for husbands exclusively among those 10-12 years my senior. There were nine comments on that post. Usually I don't put comments in blog entries, but these are especially relevant.

1. (from Abandoning Eden): i say you can still try to find someone close to your age while being more open to men both younger and older than you. And don't let one person's horrific experience color your perception... i know 2 awesome couples who have a 12+ year age difference and who have awesome marriages.

Anyways all you would be doing is opening up more options, which is never a bad thing. It's not like you HAVE to marry a dude 10 years older than you if you don't like him. :)

True. I should try to be more open, and I don't have to marry anyone I don't want to.

2. (from my good friend DYS): I hate to say it, but he may be right. That doesn't mean you should give up on the idea of marrying someone your own age, but broadening your horizons may open up a much larger dating pool for you.

I still would recommend against dating guys 20 years older than you, but there are plenty of guys in their late 40's who are very youthful and in good shape. There are a lot more, unfortunately, who seem as old or older than they are, but by rejecting them all, you may be missing out on your match. You just need to be selective.

How about setting the cutoff at 49 so you don't have anyone in their 50's?

Don't get me wrong - you're a wonderful woman who deserves a guy closer in age to you, but the demographics and men's evotbiases work against that.

Don't know what an evotbias is. Evolutionary bias? But well put.

3. (from someone I don't know named Zev): How about not paying attention to age, and instead try to find someone who you like. Find someone who has emotional and intellectual qualities you admire. Talk to that person about everything you have ever dreamed of, and ask them about their dreams.

People are multi-dimensional. There is much more than looks and age that make up a person, and I think if you look for the qualities that actually matter, you will have a higher chance of finding a lasting relationship.

I probably do focus too much on age, and not enough on "the qualities that matter."

4. (from my friend Aaron): What you want is not as relevant as what you need. You need to have a loving relationship with a human, and to mother some younglings. You want it with a dude of age x, attitude y, looks z, etc. When you get what you need, you will be happy. Don't let what you want get in the way.

You and most of the hundreds of other singles I have met and befriended sing the song "I look so much younger than my age, so I should be able to date and marry someone younger than me" but since everyone sings that tune, including 50 year old guys, it cancels it out for EVERYONE.

You best bet is to date men who are around the age of 45, up to 50 and down to 38 - period. Use you flirting and chatting only on them! Stay away from younger time wasters. Find a man with old wrinkly balls!

I'm sorry -- you had me till "old wrinkly balls." Now I'm even more disgusted thinking about going out with older men.

5. (from Shoshana): I don't think you'll necessary HAVE to marry someone 10-12 years older than you are, but I don't think being open to the possibility is necessarily a bad thing either. For years I refused to consider men who were more than 10 years older than I am, and I dated quite a few who were younger than me.

A few months before I met my husband I decided that I needed to open my mind and age limits and I ended up marrying a man who is 12 years older than me. He's mature and responsible but a total goof ball and very young at heart. He had learned a lot of life lessons and totally knows the importance of commitment and putting effort into a relationship. And I would never have met him if I hadn't been open to men outside my typical age range.

I'm not saying that you should go out with every guy who is suggested if you really feels like it's not a good match but you might think about really looking at the characteristics that make a person a good husband, rather than just demographics.

Excellent point, from someone who's been there and happily done that.

6. (from Anonymous): I think that age should not restrict you either way. The right person for you MAY be 10 years older, the same age, or 10 years younger! The problem with great age difference is that people of different generations tend to have different expectations and goals. As long as your values, goals, expectations, and such mesh, don't worry about the age.

Okay. But I don't think I'll garner as much interest from the 10-years-younger crowd as the 10-or-more-years-older crowd.

7. (from Marni) I'm not a guy, but I personally think it depends on what the guy wants. If he is 40 and has never married and wants kids, he is probably going to want to get someone around 30 or younger even so that he doesn't have to "rush" into a marriage so that she can get preggers ASAP because of her age. He can take his time.

If he is 40 and is divorced and doesn't want any kids, or any more kids, then he might be willing to date someone closer to his age because he is no longer concerned about her ability to reproduce and is more or less looking for companionship.

Still I am sure there are guys who don't judge someone based on a number and are focusing more on the person. That is obviously the guy you want to be with and unfortunately, those are the ones that are few and far between.

Good points all, Marni. (It really is a man's world, isn't it?)

8. (from Anonymous) Not to be harsh, but I find it ironic that you want a guy who doesn't care about your age and sees it as just a number, yet you won't date a guy over a certain age. You often complain about your weight and want a guy who won't mind when you think you are too heavy, yet you refuse to date a guy who is out of shape. From your own accounts you are not always on your best behavior, yet your blog posts show you being very turned off by a guy who has any quirks to his personality.

Personally, I'm a 39 year old guy who dates women from 29 to 44. I've dated women who were nearly anorexic to women who are seriously obese. Giving people a chance doesn't mean that you have to date everyone who is interested in you, but you do need to be more flexible. Trust me, once I gave up on having a type or whatever you want to call it and I stopped ruling people out on very superficial things I was sometimes surprised at who I was most attracted to. Give people a chance and loosen up a bit.

Ouch. I probably do need to loosen up a bit, though. I wouldn't say I never date men who are overweight -- there's a difference between overweight and medically obese.

9. (from S.) Agree with Aaron and Shoshana, but here's my take on it: NEVER settle.

That doesn't mean you can't marry a guy outside your preferred age range. It just means you shouldn't force yourself to go out with someone simply because you want to be going out, or because you want to get married. Giving people chances is terrific. Downplaying what you want the most because you're panicking is a BAD idea.

Make a list of the things that are MOST important to you in a man. Can be 5 things, can be 10 things. None of them can include age. Now look at that list.

Number one, figure out your main priorities in a mate. Look for those qualities with all your might. Accept that the rest is preference and not necessity.

Number two... figure out what qualities you look for as most important in a mate. See how you can improve YOURSELF with regard to those important qualities. We can all use some personal improvement in middot, even if we are great people to begin with. And may that be a zechut for you to find a beautiful and holy neshama as your zivug.

Shana tova, gmar chatima tova, tzom kal and very best wishes from your fellow soldier in the dating trenches!

Thanks, S. Much food for thought.

I also got two emails on this topic from friends:

ET: I vote for 46/47 as your cut-off age, the same age you currently have. I think your current limit of 46 years old is about right on target, and I assume that is the "no" response to the question- "Should I give up trying to marry a man who is close to my age?" Assuming "close to your age" is within the general 36 - 47 year old range, that is what I would stick with in your position.

Spoken like a true engineer. Thanks, ET.

Mendy: It does not need to be an extreme choice.

You should be OPEN to meeting a man who is 10-12 years older. The differences really do mean less as you get older. Now everybody ages the same. And you... just... never... know.

"Giving up" is a negative expression. Somebody a couple of years younger seems wild about you... hey, it could, should happen. You have much to recommend yourself; I can see it. But be open, and objective. In that sense this blog is a terrific tool. AJ said that he was willing to consider you, but his motive was suspect. When you asked about kids, he said that he was open. I think that the answer that you're looking for, especially from a younger man with his smugness, is something like "Yes, but I am choosy about who I have them with."

Don't dismiss the geezers out of hand. There is an excellent chance that you will be loved and cherished by a man who thanks his lucky stars that G-d saw fit to let him win the Jewish lottery and send him a young, intelligent, beautiful wife. Such a man is unlikely to ever leave you. (Unfortunately, not a "given" today.)

Don't dismiss the young'uns either (which includes men up to your own age). Make certain that he will never come to resent you, or regret his choice. (Men can be so foolish sometimes!) Tick off objective factors that point to a permanent harmonious relationship.

I'm going to take a leap here... it's so clear, and so hard. Now is the time. You want to be married or well on your way by year's end. You need to keep your objectivity, and so does he, whoever 'he' is. You have nothing to prove to anybody; your native passion, libido, sexual uninhibitness and/or experience... any thinking man will not worry or even wonder. It scares myself to write this... but this may be the most useful MO for the current task.

Well said. What I get from all of this:

1. Be more open to men up to 10 years older than I am.
2. Look for essential qualities I like and relate well to.
3. Don't feel the need to prove how sexy I am.

Here's hoping... I did get an email from SOS, who had to postpone our first date due to a friend's wedding:

I look forward to hanging out the evening of 10/24/09 -- this may be the longest-awaited first-date in history. ;-)

After knowing what my friend thought of him, I was just a little curious. Is this going to be the longest-awaited cup of coffee and hourlong chat in history, or something more? So I sent back:

It probably is the longest-awaited first date in history. What are we going to do?

So I know what to wear, right? ;) He responded:

I'll find us something enjoyable to do (and am open to ideas from your side, as well). How you contain your excitement -- between now and then -- is up to you. ;-)

Naughty! ;)

Surprise me! ;) I'll focus on work to contain my excitement. Not hard to do, since my caseload is supposed to be 20 and is actually 31. Have an easy fast :)

I guess we'll see after 10/24/09...
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Friday, September 25, 2009

The client has ADHD. So does the counselor.

Now that I am Program Coordinator of the Dual Diagnosis Recovery Program, I am supposed to have a caseload of 20 clients. This is because I need to review the progress of dually diagnosed clients who are on other counselors' caseloads, schedule all the psychiatrists' appointments, and write curriculum for our dual diagnosis recovery group(s, in the future).

Instead, I currently have 31 clients -- which is high for a counselor who isn't coordinating a program -- and it's wearing on me just a little. I'm supposed to have written at least 10 group session handouts. So far, I've done 2.

My boss told me to transfer some clients to the new counselor, Yingele. (He's not Jewish but I like the name for him.) Yingele went to the same social work school I did, one year behind. We never met; in social work school, first-years and second-years are rarely in classes together. He's a very nice guy, very smart, and eager to build up his caseload. So I gave him one of my clients, an 18-year-old who is very scatterbrained. Not entirely his fault, though. He has ADHD.

"How are things working out with that client I transferred to you?" I asked Yingele.

"Well, he missed his appointment," said Yingele.

"Happens a lot," I said. "He has ADHD."

"So do I," said Yingele. "I was supposed to call him to remind him, and I forgot."

Wha-ha-ha-ha-hat????? I was astonished at how casually Yingele slid it into conversation. But I recovered quickly and said, "Guess it's a really great fit!"

I thought that would be that. But today, during team meeting, when the foibles of a client with ADHD were mentioned, Yingele piped up, "Yeah, been there, I've got ADHD, too!"

"I would never have guessed," I said.

"I take a lot of Adderall," Yingele said.

Later in the day, another client with ADHD rolled in; not surprisingly, he'd missed orientation. He was supposed to be on my caseload, but I'm currently overloaded, so I went to Yingele's office to see if he wanted to take the client.

"He forgot about orientation," I said. "He's another one with ADHD."

"Oh good -- that reminds me..." said Yingele. He took a pill bottle out of his desk drawer, shook out a capsule, popped it in his mouth, and swallowed.

I was mildly shocked, and very envious. It's so cool that Yingele can be so open about his diagnosis. I wish I could be. But if I tell people I have bipolar disorder, then every time I'm in a bad mood -- or a really good mood, for that matter -- I'll be scrutinized and second-guessed.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So I wrote to a 47yo...

According to my rabbi friend, that's much closer to a realistic age for me to be aiming at. This guy lives in Washington, D.C., so I'll call him DC-47:

This is how I describe myself: Funny, clever, often brilliant, bold, adventurous, silly, capricious, sweet, romantic, occasionally aloof. I do the NY times crossword puzzle in pen.

I often wish I'd done it in pencil. I love dogs and nature. I am allergic to cats.

I reserve my bad temper for bad golf shots and racquetball. I love my family. I am a bourbon kind of guy. I trust too much. I don't trust enough. I hate olives, cream soda and sweet kugel. I love Philadelphia sports. I think TV was so much better in the 80's so was music and movies. There is never a bad time to learn something new. Politically hard right. Zionist but not a lover of Israeli politics.


He's revised his "what I'm looking for" so it's being reviewed (and hence unavailable), but one of the things he did not want was someone with a bad temper who gets mean. I have a temper, but I don't think I get mean. So I wrote to DC-47.

Subject: I hate olives too

And I like bourbon.

Thought that was just enough to intrigue him. It was. And then some.

fine... meet me at the chuppah... I'll be the guy in the tux

I'm going to assume he's exaggerating slightly.

not so fast ;) I do get mad, but I don't get mean. I'm a very passionate person. Maybe we should talk?

People usually talk before they get married, unless they are very chassidish.

that's good... mean is out! 202 xxx-xxxx

I'm not going to call him. Before I could tell him that, he sent me this:

I can recite most of When Harry Met Sally

I don't know why that's relevant, but I'll play along.

And I'm gonna be 40!

When?

Someday!

In EIGHT YEARS!

I can too. 212-xxx-xxxx

Some men would take that as an invitation to call. Not DC-47.

and its not the same for men...charlie chaplin had children when he was 70...yeah but he was too old to pick them up

That is... weird. And I probably shouldn't say this, but...

Actually, children born to men over a certain age have a much higher risk of schizophrenia, autism, and many other disabilities.

(You can tell I'm already starting to discount him as a possibility.)

too bad for me..I was hoping to still have one... sigh....

Well, I don't want to scare him off completely.

You still have time. It's the people like Tony Bennett who aren't doing their kids any favors.

And if you want to have kids, why haven't you called me yet? ;)

What's his snappy comeback to my snarky question?

A) don't have your number
B) I assume I would be a high risk to create a schizophrenic child who can count cards into an eight deck shoe

I gave you my phone number, doofus!

thought I sent it to you -- 212-xxx-xxxx

there are worse things than a kid who can count cards

I'm starting to view this conversation as rather unproductive and tangential. I hope his response will be more meaningful.

I disagree...I only want to have kids to exploit them for financial gain

What?

? Kids are not a good financial investment these days. They cost MUCH more than they bring in.

Who has conversations like this? It's already beyond ridiculous. Will he say ever say something halfway serious and slightly meaningful?

you could sell their body parts to rich arab shieks

Apparently not. I'm really starting to think I'm wasting my time.

okay, I'm starting to not take you seriously....

That means get your act together, dude. Man up. Step up. Wise up.

oh no.... not that

Apparently he took it to mean "act up." I realize I'm just sitting at home, but this is just a waste of time.

this is degenerating into mere silliness...

if you want to call me, you have my # :)

shabbat shalom, tzum kal

I thought that struck the right note of levity and gravity.

really?? you think we shouldn't have a nice session of benign coquettishness? I demurr... Fact is... this is a rather odd way for people to meet... but I like it.... I'm sorry you feel it has degenerated into some fatuous display of wits... very well... shabbat shalom

I didn't respond. "If this is 47," I thought, "forget 47. Feh." Although he did send me one last message:

well... you still have great hair and a great smile and look smoking in a red dress

I thanked him. But if he wants me, he has to call me at this point. And I'm ignoring the 50-year-old and 61-year-old (!!!!) that clicked on my profile today.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Resistance is futile?

I got an email from a very good virtual friend. We've never met in person, but he's a blog reader and very supportive. So I know he sent this with care and affection:

To tell you the truth if I were 42 today and free, I would be looking for somebody between 32 to 36. If you want a hubby you will have to be willing to settle for a man 10 to 12 years older than you. I mentioned that before but you seem determined to stay within your defined standards. I got married the second time and successfully by thinking outside of the box.

Believe me I am a guy first and a Rabbi second in writing to you like a big brother.


I asked one friend, a few months my senior, and she agreed with him. "It's a man's world, Ayelet," she said.

You would think I'd get the message after that. But I just had a conversation with a friend who's in a horrifically toxic marriage, with a man who's a decade her senior. That cannot be the answer. Can it?

I wrote to another friend. I'm not sure her precise age, but her oldest child is 7, so I believe she's in her early 30s.

I'm being told that I need to give up on the idea of marrying someone close to my age (39) and to start looking for someone 10-12 years older than I am. The idea horrifies me, but maybe that's just my damn luck.

She responded almost instantaneously:

give up?! They're meshugeh. NEVER GIVE UP!!!! And never think that you'll be forced to marry someone older because of your age. This is only commentary. And if you look anything like Frida... You have probably a lot more beauty and talent than the ordinary gal running around the place. NEVER GIVE UP!!! What is your hebrew name? (ayelet bat... ?) I'll say tehillim for you.

Have an easy fast...and remember...NEVER GIVE UP!!

I sent her my real name -- I'll send it to anyone who wants to daven for me, since I'm pretty sure everyone else's prayers are at least listened to, whereas mine disappear into the void.

So what do the rest of you think? Should I give up trying to marry a man who is close to my age? (Forget about younger -- I'm still planning to go out with SOS, but I'm not anticipating any other interest from that demographic.)

Right now I have three opinions -- two that say resistance is futile and I will marry a much older man, and one that says I'm not crazy for wanting to be with someone close to my age. I think I'll let majority rule, the way I did with the Arrogant Jerk. Of course, that vote was virtually unanimous. I look forward to tabulating this one.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

What's wrong with THIS one, TikunOlam?

Every person who posts a profile on a dating website should first show it to a trusted member of the opposite sex. (If they don't know and trust anyone of the opposite sex, that's a really bad sign.)

So what's wrong with this guy?

I am a very ambitious person. I always have something I am pursuing and I want my life to be fulfilled and important. I am extremely patient and will wait a long time for something I want. When the opportunity arises, I will plan my steps carefully. To others, I might appear hesitant but this is not true. I know that there is only one chance to succeed and I am filing together my information to take the proper steps to accomplish my goal with flying colors, not just second rate.

I have a very active mind and strong powers of concentration.

I like being in control of my surroundings and everyone in my life. I am very cautious but this is only to survey the situation before leaping in. I will never make a hasty jump in. I accept change but I introduce it slowly so I can get used to it and incorporate it into my life.

I tend to see life in black or white, definitives only. There are no gray areas for these are areas that are not understood and this makes me feel uncomfortable. I tend to be in control in a romantic relationship. That way I am never vulnerable to another person.

I'm thinking Asperger's Disorder.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Icebreakers don't work

Yesterday I got about 30 minutes of exercise -- walked to and from a subway station that's about 15 minutes from my apartment. But I woke up this morning at 3 a.m. with a headache. Changing weather is bad for the sinuses, I guess. Also seems that oversleeping on Rosh Hashana isn't giving me a sleepy year.

Frumster has a new feature called "Icebreakers." Pre-written messages you can send as an initial contact. I sent out two of them two days ago, and haven't heard from either guy.

The first, aged 42, describes himself as:

[I am sure there will be edits here]
I am an interesting mix of things from my life experiences. I grew up with enough of a Jewish foundation that my time in Israel just cemented things and I slowly moved towards being more observant.

I am a loyal friend, an honest person, a romantic and very affectionate. I really do try to live as a Mensch. I like to help others and make them feel better with kind words and do, help the elderly cross parking lots or return thier grocery carts and have been know to help change a few tires.

My Grandmother B"H, still with us at 102, has always been a bright light in my life and a role model. I have a good sense of humor (maybe a little odd and definately goofy) but still good, and enjoy good conversation and intellectual discourse. I
like tons of music and movies and am pretty knowledgeable about art and architecture. I am also a student of history and when I have time, I love to read, but I also enjoy (on occasion -not weekly) watching motorsports, hockey, and baseball.

I am an outdoor guy but can hold my own in the city.

He sounds nice. What kind of girl does he want?

The obvious is attraction but a beautiful inside is just as important. Hopefully she really is an Eishet Hayil (So I don't have to sing the song just to hear my own semi off-key singing voice) A person who is interested in knowing their mate as a friend and is as straight up as possible.

Unconditional acceptance and love must be a two way street and believeing that a person can be changed is not terribly realistic.

Someone who likes to have fun and isn't averse to trying new things and adventures and isn't overly serious (and of course there are times for both).

Who enjoys having social interaction (hosting meals for example with a helper of course) and isn't overly quiet but maybe a little more on the extroverted side than myself, as I have seen balance always helps relationship.

Sounds like me, right? So I sent him an Icebreaker:

You passed my screening test with flying colors. E-mail me to find out your exact score.

I thought that was cute. No response.

The second guy, also 42, has this to say:

I would describe myself as someone who cares about all facets of his personality, the mental, physical and spiritual. I am someone who is looking for the person who enjoys the often ignored pleasures that life has to offer, such as the museums and plays of New York. I enjoy good conversation yet sometimes after a long day like to spend time with a good book or on a good run. I am a professional and the father of several children.

Sounds nice. Who is he looking for?

I am looking for a nice, caring person who is shomer mitzvot but also recognizes the secular world has many appealing, torah observant positive aspects. I am looking for a woman who can/is/will be a great mother. I believe I would find myself most compatible with someone who recognized companionship could mean many, many different things, from long, intense conversations to, after a long day at work, just reading a book next to that one particular person.

Sounds like Ayelet. Sent him the same icebreaker, no response.

Still haven't heard from the Frum Player, who has my phone number. Not really a surprise.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Arrogant Jerk

Had a long IM conversation with a guy who -- you be the judge -- seems to be an Arrogant Jerk (AJ):

AJ: I was intrigued by your profile to be honest, but to be totally up front here is what I have found -- for the most part I think Frumster sucks lol
A: I would agree
AJ: let me share two reasons ok?
number one is that people create profiles that aren’t truly themselves so everyone is fake
number two is unique to me, since I am widowed at a young age -- I am coming from a very very successful relationship, know what I want…
A: hard for anyone else to measure up
AJ: whereas almost everyone else is coming from lack of quality relationships or non relationships
it isn’t about comparison to my deceased wife, I’m past that
it’s about a certain passion, spontaneity etc
A: that takes time to build up
AJ: that and the fact i trust my gut to a fault makes "dating" brutal

I agree dating is brutal, but not because I trust my gut too much. Not sure what he means by that.

A: what does ur gut say about me?
AJ: that you have spontaneity and passion in you BUT it also tells me u have never fully explored and expressed it

How can he possibly know that from my profile and a few minutes of IM?

A: pretty much true
AJ: it isn’t "pretty much true" Ayelet it’s a dead ringer lol
most of the Jewish women I meet are all uptight about a lot of things
A: I'm only uptight about a few things

I think that's more or less true.

AJ: where do u work
A: Downtown Brooklyn
AJ: as in black neighborhoods?

Excuse me?

A: as in the municipal building, but most of my clients are black/latino
AJ: cool, admire u for that
A: for what?
AJ: tough cases, hard work -- u like challenges
A: not all of them are tough, many are very sweet, but yes, I like a challenge
AJ: anyway I’m not a "Starbucks" lets get to know each other kind of dater, and in fact my friend forced me to be on here -- signed me up most people who have "checked me out" have held no interest for me

I get it. You're much cooler than all the women on Frumster, none of them deserve you.

A: so do you want to meet or just IM for a few more years?
AJ: i am actually in Israel for the holidays as we speak
A: ah -- nice, with your son?
AJ: yes and my former in laws whom he lives with -- long story
A: he lives in Israel? that must be so hard for u, don't u want him with u?
AJ: but they are 51 and 48
A: and ur 37? was ur wife a lot younger than u?
AJ: yes she was 10 years younger
A: so how do u feel about me being older?
AJ: I’ve dated older as well, even significantly older
A: do u want to have more kids?
AJ: i am open to that, it’s about passion spontaneity and sensuality 4 me
A: not about marriage? ;)
AJ: those are prerequisites 4 marriage

I thought love, stability, respect, and friendship were pretty important. But what do I know? I've never been married, I have no "successful" relationship to look back on.

A: well, I'm a yekke -- I'm extremely passionate, but not always spontaneous
it's not my fault, it's genetic -- we're planners ;)
AJ: I'm not your average guy Ayelet
A: I probably could stand to loosen up some
I'm definitely not ur average woman
so do I get to see a pic of u?
AJ: in due time -- on my life I am a very handsome guy

Sure you are. Every guy thinks he is.

AJ: I’ll offer u something very different... u said u like a CHALLENGE
A: I'm ready for anything you throw at me, but I have to go to work soon
AJ: I will answer any 25 questions u dare ask u don’t have to reciprocate
A: wow
A: can I write them down and send them to u?
AJ: nope stream of consciousness here
A: I can't do that right now
AJ: want to see some guts
A: I have to go to leave soon
AJ: u can do some…

Well, he wants questions... might as well be honest, since I don't think I want to go out with him anyway.

A: are you willing to date a person who takes antidepressants?
AJ: in theory yes
A: as long as they're stable and functioning?
AJ: but not if it’s negatively affecting their sexuality

That's the one thing you worry about?

A: that has never been a problem for me, I have the sex drive of a 17yo boy
but you won't find that out for at least a month
AJ: women say that but I’ve found differently
A: well, you will have to wait… you're not a very patient person
AJ: not about patience but anyway
A: I like to take things slow physically

Well, technically I don't like to, but I'm trying to.

AJ: I get it, u have a "rule," no sex until you’ve dated a guy a month
A: it's not a "rule," it's about getting to know someone before taking things too intimate
AJ: yeah… ok
A: if I say it's a rule you will want to make me break it
AJ: well my idea is a first date on a weekend trip… like I said truly spontaneous
A: that's a terrible idea, what if you have nothing to say to each other?
AJ: like I said I trust my gut, but clearly you’re quite the nervous one, and uptight a bit

Am I uptight to be wary about going away for the weekend with a guy I’ve never met? This isn’t “Friends.”

A: so if I don't agree to go away with u for the weekend, that's it, end of story?
AJ: I haven’t invited u… I’m saying if I get the right vibe that’s what I’d do
heck u can check me out with an ex gf if u want lol, see if I’m worth it
A: I'm dating for marriage, not for weekend getaways
AJ: excuse me? so am I
A: listen, I have to leave for work
AJ: but spontaneity is critical to me I said that upfront
A: I understand that
I guess maybe we'll talk later
AJ: no you don’t, you’ve painted me as just looking 4 weekend getaways. I don’t need help finding dates 4 that sweety
A: I haven't painted u as anything, I hardly know u
and IM isn't a good way to get to know someone, we'd need to talk on the phone
AJ: I saw from your line of questioning how reserved u are

Am I reserved??? Not at all. But this guy makes me wonder.

A: ? I just met u
AJ: not going to pursue it -- my loss I guess
A: what the?
AJ: like I said I trust my gut to a fault
A: then it's definitely your loss
AJ: so I gave u a wide open shot
A: good luck finding whatever it is you're looking for
I suggest you give people a little more time to get to know you
AJ: thanks for the advice

I thought that would be that. But last night he sent me another message:

saying hi again

How should I respond?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Monday, September 21, 2009

Filed under "Must be read to be believed"

Why on earth did I re-up on Frumster? I just read this:

I am looking for a woman who will inspire me to be a better person. I am looking for a woman who is a tall, light eyed, beauty, with great hair, who is educated, has an opinion and is not afraid to share it. A woman who shares my love of Hashem, who is into tefillah, with strong midot and wants to build a bayit neeman.

Is it any wonder I'm still single?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Happy New Year

Rosh Hashana was bearable. I didn't go to shul, so I didn't daven or hear shofar (yes, I know that's bad), but I did get out every day. Went to friends' meals. Did tashlich at the Hudson River. I just didn't feel like davening about how bad I was this year and how I deserve forgiveness, when I feel that so many bad things have happened to me and I deserve a break next year.

I slept a lot. Generally sleeping more than usual on Rosh Hashana is discouraged, because it's said you'll then have a sleepy year. I'm hoping that I'll have less terminal insomnia this year. I'll probably sleep a lot on Yom Kippur, since I'm not allowed to go to shul while I'm fasting.

Not looking forward to the rest of the holidays, especially Simchat Torah. I guess going to Jerusha for the first days of Succot will be nice, because I'll see the kids.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I meet Einstein's criteria

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I must be insane, because I rejoined Frumster.

Two reasons. First, they were having a sale, and I can't resist a bargain. Usually the 3-month renewal rate is $14.95/month. The special now is for $9.95/month. I saved $15, which I'm realizing is really just the equivalent of one more month. Whatever...

The second reason I re-upped was that I got a message from someone I thought sounded promising when I looked at his profile. I saw that we'd corresponded but couldn't remember quite who he was.

What did he have to say?

With such a smile still single???!

I guess that's a compliment. How should I respond?

I know -- hard to believe ;) I guess I'm picky.

I was going for a casual, flirtatious air. I don't think it rang that way.

Dont be

he responded. Oops, I did it again! I scared off a guy! I went into damage control mode:

I think you have to be selective when you choose the person you're going to spend your life with. I don't think my standards are impossible or unrealistic, but you have to be with someone whose company you enjoy and whom you find attractive.

I waited. And waited. He read it. And didn't respond. Crap. I must have sounded prissy and defensive. Let me try to fix this...

I didn't mean to sound high-maintenance

Well, that must have mollified him, because he responded:

just wondering why a cutie such as you is still for grabs

He thinks I'm cute! Awesome! Sure, I'm not crazy about the "for grabs," but whatever. He thinks I'm cute!

I could tell you better in person ;)

Apparently I hit the right flirty note.

kewl
lets exchange numbers; i am going offline soon

I sent him my number. He sent me his. I sent back:

so call me sometime, shana tova

and he responded

definitely, shana tovah

Does that mean "definitely" or "probably not"? Because I looked back through my old messages, and discovered that he was the Frum Player. We corresponded in June, and I didn't hear anything from him until tonight. Almost three months.

So according to Einstein, yes, I am insane. I should probably just delete my Frumster membership. Stop me before I email again!
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Teeny-tiny world. Shallow dating pool. Pick a metaphor -- it all sucks.

My friends Shalva and Aviva made Friday night dinner and invited me. Nice of them, good food, six girls/three guys. I again was struck by the inability of available and attractive people of the opposite sex to pair-bond.

Granted, the ratio echoed real life, but still, there should have been at least three couples formed at that meal. As far as I can tell, there were zero. And let me say -- those guys had quite a lovely selection. We are six amazing, beautiful, smart women, and at least one of us has a wicked sense of humor and the sex drive of a teenage boy. What is wrong with Jewish men?

During the course of the meal, Aviva talked about an astonishingly cheap guy from out of town that she went out with in August.

"So he came in to New York, and we went out on a Sunday morning for coffee," she said. "At about 1:30 he told me he had plans to meet his mother (who lives in New York) and he left. After that, he called and said, 'Do you want to fly out to Cleveland? I could kick in something for the plane fare.'"

The nine of us were not impressed. But... Cleveland? Wait... "What's his name?" I asked, heart in my throat.

Who else could it be? SOS.

I'm trying not to let this affect my opinion of him. But now I'm wondering if we're going out for dinner Saturday night, or just for coffee. And if we'll also be limited to coffee on Sunday.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Friday, September 11, 2009

Sour grapes

Ozer's cute roommate Jefferson, wholly immune to my charms -- apparently he really is a psychologist -- has become Ozer's incredibly pretentious roommate Jefferson. I think this is mainly because I know he's not interested in me and I feel rejected, but there may be a sliver of validity to my opinion.

For example, Jefferson has started updating his status with pithy quotes from the likes of C. S. Lewis, Anne Frank, MLK, Mark Twain, Joan Didion, Jean Vanier (who? yeah, I've never heard of him either), and Sir Francis Bacon. I find that... well, pretentious. I get it, Jefferson, you're an in-tel-LEC-tual, but isn't that a wee bit overmuch? Did you get a Bartlett's Familiar Quotations on sale at The Strand?

Anyway, this evening Jefferson posted a simple, "Good Shabbos" and I commented:

who are you quoting this time? ;)

I thought he'd ignore it; CBT psychologists don't reinforce behavior they want to extinguish. Instead, he demonstrated that, in-tel-LEC-tual or not, he maintains a sense of humor:

I learned it from watching you... which reminds me of my favorite PSA of all time...



Has Jefferson forgotten I'm a drug counselor?

I taught you how to smoke pot? Please don't tell my boss.

I'm kind of wondering why I'm so tempting to people 10 or more years my junior -- RSX, ET, the very small entomologist, and the 24-year-old who thought ET was "older than us" -- and so repulsive to people closer to my age. One of my "Ayelet" Facebook friends suggested I friend her friend (can I cram a few more "friend"s in that sentence?) Dani, who is 18 years younger than I am. Sure, whatever, I want more blog readers, so I did. He emailed me:

i don't know you, guess you don't know me too, but glad to be your friend! hope you will enjoy me! all the best, happy new year!

"Enjoy me"? Enthusiastic little bugger.

Shaina Bracha suggested you as a friend for me, and any friend of hers is a friend of mine ;) shana tova, shabbat shalom

I figured that would be that. It wasn't.
sounds good! ok, enjoy! shabbath shalom! have me in mind if you're in israel!

Does that mean I can hang out with him if I go back to Israel?

I'm in NYC, but if I go to Israel again I'll let u know

Apparently not.

you don't have to let me know because i'm also in NYC i live in williamsburg! where in brooklyn do you live?

Not everybody who doesn't live in Israel lives in Brooklyn. (Does that sentence make sense?)

I live on the Upper West Side, Manhattan. Shabbat shalom!

His next email was surprising.

thats nice, and not far from me.. good shabbas,
a kiss via text is not wrong, if yes i just click 'cancel' Lol.. just kidding.. good shabbos

I guess he's so young his boundaries haven't fully developed. Why is he trying to kiss me via text?

I'm old enough to be your mother, kiddo ;) shabbat shalom umevorach

That should... wait, no, there he goes again:

so what? i kiss my mother too, but not via text..

Okay, this is getting weird. I'm going to tone it down.

she would probably be hurt if you did that ;) good Shabbos

And he said...

Lol.. i didnt ask about her, i said if its ok with you, but never mind, i see you dont want..
good shabbos, all the best!

I left it at that. Why would a boy 18 years my junior want to kiss me? He hasn't even seen a picture of me, just the Frida Kahlo self-portrait I appropriated. Odd.

ET likes to say that I'm a lot hotter than I think I am, and maybe he's right. Either men in my age range have much stricter weight guidelines than boys in their 20s, or I'm a lot cuter than I think I am yet still manage to drive off all the suitable marriage candidates. Food for thought.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Should I re-up just to talk to him?

Got an email message from Frumster, the dating website I love to hate:

Hi Ayelet,

I really wanted to email you after coming across your profile but since you are still a Basic member, I was asked to first send you this introductory request.

My name is Benjamin and I am a 32 year old Yeshivish Modern guy from Boca Raton, FL where I work as an attorney. My hobbies include: racquetball, reading, long walks, movies, exercise, traveling. If you also become a Premium member, I would be happy to communicate with you.

Benjamin

Curious, I looked at his profile.

Grew up in: Long Island, Florida
Consider relocation? Yes
Wishing to make aliyah to Israel? No
Jewish Education: yeshiva/seminary
Languages Spoken: English
Political Beliefs: middle of the road

Height: 188 cm/6' 2"
Build: average
Do you smoke?: no

Frequency of Torah Study: daily
Frequency of Tefilah: daily
Kippa: black velvet kippa
Tzitzit: always

What Yeshivish Modern means to me: I'm a Torah observant baal teshuva looking to grow.

This is how I describe myself: I'm constantly working on building my connection with G-d. I come from a completely non-observant background. I consider myself a truth seeker, and that is how I became more religious. I consider myself low key, sweet. and funny. I tend to be quiet in large groups, but very talkative in small groups. I enjoy deep one on one conversations. One day I'd like to own an ice cream store.

This is what I am looking for in a mate: Someone who is ok with the fact that I'm still growing in observance. Somebody who is sweet and who has a good sense of humor. A person with good character and good manners. Also, I can be quiet in large groups. Therefore, I am looking for someone who doesn't need an outgoing guy at all times.


On the plus side, Benjamin is tall, cute, athletic, and articulate, likes ice cream, and appears to be intelligent, easygoing and sincere. (And is 7 years younger than I am, which, if nothing else, strokes my ego.)

But... Yeshivish Modern -- and still growing? I'm certainly not near Yeshivish Modern. I don't even think I'm all that close to Modern Orthodox Machmir. I don't know if I could get to where Benjamin is, or if I could keep up with him. Or if Benjanim would be able to accept me, with all of my drama, my temper, my moods, my semi-wild past, and my unconventional career.

(Also, why are men in the tri-state area wholly immune to my charms, whereas men in Ohio, Germany, and Florida find me irresistible?)

So I'm leaving it up to you, readers. Should I drop another $19.95 on the off chance that a sweet 32-year-old Yeshivish Modern attorney in Florida could be my soul mate? TikkunOlam, does he have a personality disorder? ;)
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

SOS resurfaces

Got an IM from SOS on Facebook this evening:

SOS: love that photo! i guess the bear wasn't all that hungry. :-)

One of my Alaska pictures has me posing next to a stuffed brown bear.

Ayelet: lol, he was a big teddy bear ;) how r u?
SOS: headed to the Poconos (near Scranton, PA) tom'w, for 3 days with my dad & step-mom

He assumes I'm American and don't know geography. But I don't get defensive.

A: nice!
SOS: as it turns out, that's my 3rd wkend in a row out-of-town... lots of excitement for a nerd like me! ;-)

Don't know why he calls himself a nerd; he's a marketing analyst, not an engineer, like a few blog readers I know.

A: contain urself ;)
SOS: was it tough returning to work after all that time in Alaska?
A: yes and no... I was VERY jet-lagged, so I was a little cranky, but I was definitely refreshed
SOS: awesome -- i'm so glad u had a relaxing trip!
my blessing to u: u won't go on ur next cool vacation alone!

Wow.

A: AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thank u
and likewise
next time u go to the Poconos... ;)
SOS: (I love the Poconos, but concede that Alaska may come out on top on the "coolness" scale) :-)
A: "may"? I went to the Poconos to visit my niece in camp -- they're nice, but they are NOT Alaska
SOS: OK, girl -- just rub it in! ;-)
A: lol, I would so go back to Alaska -- same cruise, same boat, different excursions; now I know how to do it right
SOS: cool... b/t/w, how's the wkend of 10/17-10/18 sound, for our (long-awaited) first date? i know it's a long way off, but that's the first wkend after Yomim Tovim

Yay! We're finally making plans for our first date!

A: sounds great; I can definitely book you, because so far it's open
SOS: OK, and i get precedence over any dude who tries to squeeze on your calendar that weekend, 'cause i have plane tix! :-)

Sounds like SOS is a little jealous... or just dropped some serious cash on airfare.

A: rofl, definitely -- where r u going to stay?
SOS: what's "rofl"?
A: rolling on the floor laughing
SOS: very cute -- kinda like LMAO
staying by my mom -- she's an 8-minute cabride from LGA airport.
A: so I'll see u Sat night
and Sunday
that is, if we have a good time Saturday night

Loooooooooooooooooong pause. Uh-oh. Did I mess this up already?

SOS: in other words, if i'm lucky, right? ;-)
have a great evening!

Guess not.

A: rofl, u2
SOS: b/t/w, it's nice to know i can have that effect on an intelligent, accomplished, attractive Jewish woman -- and from 500 miles away, no less!

Sigh. He likes me!

A: we aim to please... ciao

I saw that Jurassic Vassilievitch was online, so I IMed him:

A: are you open to being set up?

I have this high school/FB friend, Carol. I wasn't friends with her in high school, but we friended each other on FB and somehow we really clicked. I davened for her mother, who was having surgery, and she loves my status updates, so now she's a big Ayelet fan. She's never mentioned having a husband or kids, so I assumed she was single. She's very pretty, smart, and fun, and now that JV's hair has joined the 21st century, I thought they should meet.

JV: That depends on who I am being set up with. :-)
A: a high school FB friend of mine who is really pretty and really nice and one year older than I am
JV: where does she live?
A: my hometown, but I can ask if she'd move -- obviously she would have to, and she has a brother and sister here, so she might be open to it
JV: Hmmm...I'm trying to think about the dating logistics of this.

Logistics? How romantic. Not.

A: DON'T THINK ABOUT LOGISTICS YET
JUST TALK TO HER IF SHE'S OPEN TO TALKING TO U
STOP BEING AN ENGINEER
JV: STOP YELLING AT ME!
A: k
JV: I'm not "being an engineer". I'm merely thinking one move ahead: chances are that I can carry on a phone conversation, and I assume that so can she. In that case, the next step would be meeting, and that will be difficult for the next month given the holiday schedule, and my kids' schedule.
A: u can talk on the phone a few times
she's in my hometown, not Uzbekhistan
are you willing to have more kids?

He has two. Very cute.

JV: Really. Your hometown is NOT in Uzbekistan?
A: if it were, I could speak Russian to you
JV: Yes, I would be willing to have more kids.
A: ok, I just sent her this:

I don't even know if you're single, but I have a good friend who is a GREAT catch, and I've been making him over so he looks pretty good. He is incredibly nice, smart, considerate, and easygoing. He is divorced with 2 very cute sons, and is totally open to having more kids. He is the nicest Jewish guy around. Interested?

JV: For future reference: how am I supposed to live up to that?
A: once you have the new glasses, you should be fine
JV: rofl, is that all that it takes? I wish that someone had clued me in earlier.
A: better late than never

Now I can't wait to take him glasses shopping. My friend Shalva knows a really great, really cheap place in Boro Park. I don't need glasses, but I'm starting to look at people's glasses on the subway and at work, to get an idea about what JV needs. Since he obviously has no clue.

JV: I suppose. In that case, let me ask you the same question (not that my record as a matchmaker is that great).

That's nice of him! But wait -- Carol wrote me back.

Carol: omg how cute are you thinking of me if only i wasnt married shucks darn shucks darn

CRAP!

A: ack -- had no idea! but glad to hear it! :)

Oh well. Back to JV.

A: damn, she's married
JV: Well that clears up that matter.
The guy is someone that I work with. He lives on W72nd St. There is one catch--I'm not sure how old he is, but I would estimate that he's about 10 years older than we are. As far as I know he has never been married, and from what I know/can tell he is liberal MO.
He is kind of quiet, not sure how he is as a conversationalist. OTOH, he is very even-tempered, and seems like he is a mentsch.
A: I'm good at opening up quiet guys
JV: Are you now?

JV was never this flirtatious in college. That haircut is doing wonders for him.

A: find out how old he is
JV: OK. For my reference, what is your cutoff?
A: 46 -- read in an article today that couples with an age difference of 9 or more years are more likely to divorce
JV: I'll ask him, but I'm guessing that he's over 46.
And you were making fun of me of "being an engineer"?! I was thinking one move ahead, you're at least 6 or 7.
A: I'm not expected to be consistent.
JV: Of course, a woman's prerogative.

Ingrate.

A: who got you a better haircut? not your MALE friends
JV: What does that have to do with anything? And my male friends wouldn't dream of taking me to get a haircut.
OTOH, you and Kayla were having way to much fun at my expense. I was tempted to write something about 1 woman having fun at my expense is one thing, but 2 is one too many. But I was tired, so I just went to sleep.

Kayla is a mutual friend from college. She had some slightly snarky comments on the photos of JV's magical transformation.

A: way too much? I thought it was an appropriate amount
JV: You do know the difference between tragedy and comedy, right?
A: one ends in death, the other in marriage
JV: I was also surprised that my sister didn't join in the festivities.
No, the one that I was thinking of was: comedy is when someone else slips on the banana peel, and tragedy is when you slip on one.
A: I was thinking of the Shakespearean definition
I guess ur sister has a life ;)
JV: Not being an English Lit major, my reference points are different.
Although my sister thankfully does have a life, she still relishes a chance to get in a few.
A: I guess I should friend her and send her the album
JV: Oh, you didn't send her the album? That would explain it.

Well, now I have to.

A: done
JV: I'll probably see her on Sunday, so she'll have to give her commentary in person.

All in a night's work... JV's sister emailed me:

JVS: I'm so proud of you!!!!! How did you do it? Thank you so much for sending these to me!
A: I told him he needed a new haircut, told him how to make an appointment through Lifebooker, escorted him to the salon, looked at pictures with him, talked to the stylist, and voila! Tell him he looks great but needs new glasses on Sunday :)
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

The return of Yingerman

Back in June I thought I scared off a guy 9 years my junior, Yingerman, who lives in Germany. A few days ago, I signed into Skype for the first time in months, and he contacted me.

Yingerman: how was your summer?
Ayelet: awesome, I went to Alaska
Y: how was it??
A: unbelievably beautiful, I want to go back
Y: so when will we see each other?

Huh?

A: I thought you lost interest in me after I unfriended you on Facebook
Y: of course not, silly

Well, I haven't heard from him since June... then again, I haven't Skyped since June, either. But he had my email address.

Y: so add me again
A: I tried, you didn't respond
Y: try again, I am a bit difficult maybe
A: so am I -- high-maintenance

Understatement.

Y: well, that's good
A: no, I should be more easygoing
Y: I think it's good
A: my life would be easier if I were more easygoing
Y: maybe, but everyone has certain limits and things he/she will need in a relationship

We talked about a few of our specific needs; I'll spare you the details.

Y: I tend to do well with everyone who is well-educated and open-minded
A: two master's degrees... but u have no idea how difficult I can be -- very volatile, emotional, moody

Obviously he doesn't scare easily, so I might as well be honest. What have I got to lose?

Y: so you're officially a woman
A: ha ha... seriously, I'm more difficult than the average woman -- I'm very moody, insecure, and I have a temper.
Y: well, we would need to meet
A: so when u coming to NYC?
Y: after the high holidays... I will let you know
so what kind of men do u like?
A: men who are strong, who don't always give in to me but don't try to dominate or control me
Y: okay
A: what kind of women do you like?
Y: hmm I love sophisticated women who know what they want, truthful, kind, and loving
not with psychological problems

Uh-oh.

A: what kind of psychological problems?
Y: I can't handle borderlines, or women who cut themselves -- I want someone stable, normal, with a sexy attitude... I want a family, too, NO PLAYING

Well, I don't cut myself.

Y: what shall I do?
A: come to NYC and fall in love with me ;)
Y: I would love to, I will need to check the dates
A: you could fly me to Berlin, I've never been there -- I could take vacation in November
Y: November would be great, I have some days off

I'll keep you posted. I haven't heard anything from SOS in a while, although I friended him on Facebook, too.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Monday, September 07, 2009

21st-century Vassilievitch

I took Jurassic Vassilievitch for a haircut today.

"You've had that same haircut for as long as I've known you," I said. "20 years."

"More like 30," JV said.

"It's not helping you," I said. "You're single. You need a new look. Book an appointment at a nice salon, and I'll go with you. You're not allowed to say anything, but I absolutely want your input before I talk to the stylist." Amazingly, he agreed.

At the salon we flipped through magazines for inspiration. Note: if you're going to get a haircut for a man, don't bother with Vogue. Go straight to People. We found a few styles that I liked and JV was able to stomach. He vetoed the Rob Pattinson "Twilight" look, and I showed him Pete Wentz' flat-ironed folly, but just for laughs.

"I liked your hair in that picture when you went to the beach a few weeks ago," I said.

JV shook his head. "I don't like hair on my forehead," he said.

"There's hair on your forehead right now," I pointed out.

"Normally I would have gotten a haircut three weeks ago," JV said. "I waited for today."

"Smart move," I said.

After the shampoo girl washed JV's hair, we met with the salon's Artistic Director (AD), an Asian guy who had very flippy hair shaved on the sides and the number 5 tattooed on the back of his neck. JV began to look a little nervous.

"So what we want is something very simple," I said, showing AD some pictures.

"It's much shorter in the front than he has it now," said AD.

"He doesn't like hair on his forehead," I informed AD. "And it has to be really easy to style. I want him to just put a dab of gel on his hands, run them through his hair, and go."

"He won't even need gel," said AD. "Wash-n-wear." JV looked a little relieved, and AD started cutting.

"So where do you guys live?" asked AD, making polite conversation.

"I live in Manhattan, he lives in Jersey," I said. "We're not together. I'm just bossy." AD nodded, unfazed. He did a fantastic job; JV looks much better.

Next up: new glasses. Apparently JV got the current pair while on vacation in Florida, when he lost his glasses playing in the surf with his kids. LensCrafters will make you a new pair in about an hour, but apparently they won't warn you if you're about to commit a tragic fashion emergency.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Lose the faith

The Long Island matchmaker set me up with this guy named Sam, who's 44 and lives in Long Island. She's kind of a control freak: she sets up the date, doesn't give you a picture of the person, and won't let you talk on the phone until you meet in person on the first date.

So I didn't realize Sam was a creepy weirdo I met a while back on Frumster until... today. Somehow everything fell into place. And I was supposed to go out with him tomorrow.

I called and emailed the matchmaker frantically tonight. It would not be the first time a creepy guy tried to get set up with me behind my back, knowing I would say no if he asked me directly. DYS, back me up here. You're witness to at least one such encounter. It also happened with the only guy Adam Hashakran ever tried to set me up with.

She called me back to say there was nothing she could do, since she's out for the evening.

"Why didn't you realize this sooner?" she asked.

"I was on vacation, I didn't have a photo of him, and I didn't speak with him on the phone," I said. "I'll have to call him and try to figure this out."

"You realize I'll never set you up again after this," she said.

"That's just fine," I said, and hung up. She called back.

"Were we disconnected?" she asked.

"No," I said. "You said you were unwilling to set me up again because I refuse to go out with this guy. I said that was fine and I hung up."

"He didn't seem like a kook to me when I met him," she said.

"Look," I said. "He and I met through Frumster. We had a very weird and unpleasant phone conversation. Then I said I wasn't interested in meeting him. After that, he made a number of nasty comments on my postings in the Frumster forum. I'm not interested in him." She still wasn't convinced, and I hung up on her again.

I'm not interested in her, either, or her lack of matchmaking skills. If you ever hear about Keep the Fa1th matchmaking, I suggest you not waste your time. I don't care if she never sets me up. And I am NEVER going on another blind date without at least a photo and a brief phone conversation.

I'm about ready to give up on matchmakers. When I met with Gila, she promised me a cute and interesting 43-year-old guy. Instead, she sent me a 49-year-old who apparently has no hobbies, interests or social life. I'm not interested.

Shabbat actually was a lot of fun, though. I went on a potluck picnic with a bunch of friends, then Miriam and I went to watch the disco dancer-skaters strut their stuff. One of them rode a truly pimped out enormous tricycle, lavished with plush -- kind of like a rickshaw. We dubbed it "the pimpshaw."

Then we heard acoustic guitar. I love acoustic guitar. So we ambled over to where a shirtless guy was regaling a bunch of people with what seemed to be original material.

One song ran, "Will any woman in this park go out with me? / I'll hold you in the moonlight and treat you tenderly... Will any woman in this park give me a kiss?..." etc. As he finished that song, I felt a glint congeal in my eye. There was a respectable amount of applause, and I started down the hill, listening to anticipatory comments and laughter.

"This next song..." he said, strumming a few chords. Then he noticed me walking toward him. He broke off speaking and grinned.

"Hello?" he said eagerly. I dramatically whipped off my big Paris Hilton sunglasses. He stopped strumming the guitar. When I got close, I reached out with both hands, pulled his face to me and kissed him -- to riotous applause. I pulled back, smiled at him, turned, waved to the crowd, and strolled back to Miriam, who was doubled over laughing.

"What... was I saying?" the singer stammered, fumbling with his guitar. Yeah, I still got it.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Girls' night out

My friend Miriam told me about the elegant and funky Room Mate Hotel, which has a bar with a pool. Not a big pool, but still -- a bar with a pool is pretty cool! (Sounds like a grown-up version of Dr. Seuss.) I decided to organize a little outing. Since we'd all be wearing bathing suits, I decided to make it a girls-only party.

Initially I tried to organize the bar-pool party for the Wednesday before my cruise, then realized I'd be frantically packing and tying up loose ends at work. So I postponed it till the Wednesday after my cruise. I again postponed it because last Wednesday I was still suffering from jet lag and romantic disappointment. I also invited all my female cruise buddies and a vegan friend (VF) who had a delicious vegan party she invited me to last Thursday night, the first night I started feeling normal again.

It was So. Much. Fun! Three cruise buddies, Miriam, and VF showed up. Good thing I postponed it and invited all of them. I forgot how much I love being in the water, especially since I hate the beach and all that darn sand. This was perfect. Also, while some of the girls knew each other, others didn't, and we all got along beautifully. I can't wait to do it again.

It almost wasn't So Much Fun, though, because I forgot my damn bathing suit. Fortunately, I sent out an update letter telling everyone that despite the lack of suit I still planned to go, and a friend who hadn't yet left for work brought an extra suit with her. Even though two of the other girls were rocking bikinis -- I'm sorry, that should be rocking bikinis, because they have amazing figures -- I felt comfortable and happy. And sexy. And relaxed.

This has been a busy week. Monday night I sang karaoke with ET and his friends, to substantiali acclaim. Last night I frolicked in the pool with my girls. Tonight I'm hanging out with other friends after work. Sunday I have a date, set up by the matchmaker I visited in Long Island.

Monday I'm going with Jurassic Vassilievitch to update his haircut. We've been chatting on Facebook and emailing, and it's good -- I like being friends with him, although he worries about me almost as much as my mother does. He's had the same hair for as long as I've known him -- apparently for more than 30 years -- and it's definitely time for a change.

My life is starting to resemble... a life. Maybe not the life I'd hoped for at this stage, but it's still a pretty good life, I guess.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"