Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Arrogant Jerk

Had a long IM conversation with a guy who -- you be the judge -- seems to be an Arrogant Jerk (AJ):

AJ: I was intrigued by your profile to be honest, but to be totally up front here is what I have found -- for the most part I think Frumster sucks lol
A: I would agree
AJ: let me share two reasons ok?
number one is that people create profiles that aren’t truly themselves so everyone is fake
number two is unique to me, since I am widowed at a young age -- I am coming from a very very successful relationship, know what I want…
A: hard for anyone else to measure up
AJ: whereas almost everyone else is coming from lack of quality relationships or non relationships
it isn’t about comparison to my deceased wife, I’m past that
it’s about a certain passion, spontaneity etc
A: that takes time to build up
AJ: that and the fact i trust my gut to a fault makes "dating" brutal

I agree dating is brutal, but not because I trust my gut too much. Not sure what he means by that.

A: what does ur gut say about me?
AJ: that you have spontaneity and passion in you BUT it also tells me u have never fully explored and expressed it

How can he possibly know that from my profile and a few minutes of IM?

A: pretty much true
AJ: it isn’t "pretty much true" Ayelet it’s a dead ringer lol
most of the Jewish women I meet are all uptight about a lot of things
A: I'm only uptight about a few things

I think that's more or less true.

AJ: where do u work
A: Downtown Brooklyn
AJ: as in black neighborhoods?

Excuse me?

A: as in the municipal building, but most of my clients are black/latino
AJ: cool, admire u for that
A: for what?
AJ: tough cases, hard work -- u like challenges
A: not all of them are tough, many are very sweet, but yes, I like a challenge
AJ: anyway I’m not a "Starbucks" lets get to know each other kind of dater, and in fact my friend forced me to be on here -- signed me up most people who have "checked me out" have held no interest for me

I get it. You're much cooler than all the women on Frumster, none of them deserve you.

A: so do you want to meet or just IM for a few more years?
AJ: i am actually in Israel for the holidays as we speak
A: ah -- nice, with your son?
AJ: yes and my former in laws whom he lives with -- long story
A: he lives in Israel? that must be so hard for u, don't u want him with u?
AJ: but they are 51 and 48
A: and ur 37? was ur wife a lot younger than u?
AJ: yes she was 10 years younger
A: so how do u feel about me being older?
AJ: I’ve dated older as well, even significantly older
A: do u want to have more kids?
AJ: i am open to that, it’s about passion spontaneity and sensuality 4 me
A: not about marriage? ;)
AJ: those are prerequisites 4 marriage

I thought love, stability, respect, and friendship were pretty important. But what do I know? I've never been married, I have no "successful" relationship to look back on.

A: well, I'm a yekke -- I'm extremely passionate, but not always spontaneous
it's not my fault, it's genetic -- we're planners ;)
AJ: I'm not your average guy Ayelet
A: I probably could stand to loosen up some
I'm definitely not ur average woman
so do I get to see a pic of u?
AJ: in due time -- on my life I am a very handsome guy

Sure you are. Every guy thinks he is.

AJ: I’ll offer u something very different... u said u like a CHALLENGE
A: I'm ready for anything you throw at me, but I have to go to work soon
AJ: I will answer any 25 questions u dare ask u don’t have to reciprocate
A: wow
A: can I write them down and send them to u?
AJ: nope stream of consciousness here
A: I can't do that right now
AJ: want to see some guts
A: I have to go to leave soon
AJ: u can do some…

Well, he wants questions... might as well be honest, since I don't think I want to go out with him anyway.

A: are you willing to date a person who takes antidepressants?
AJ: in theory yes
A: as long as they're stable and functioning?
AJ: but not if it’s negatively affecting their sexuality

That's the one thing you worry about?

A: that has never been a problem for me, I have the sex drive of a 17yo boy
but you won't find that out for at least a month
AJ: women say that but I’ve found differently
A: well, you will have to wait… you're not a very patient person
AJ: not about patience but anyway
A: I like to take things slow physically

Well, technically I don't like to, but I'm trying to.

AJ: I get it, u have a "rule," no sex until you’ve dated a guy a month
A: it's not a "rule," it's about getting to know someone before taking things too intimate
AJ: yeah… ok
A: if I say it's a rule you will want to make me break it
AJ: well my idea is a first date on a weekend trip… like I said truly spontaneous
A: that's a terrible idea, what if you have nothing to say to each other?
AJ: like I said I trust my gut, but clearly you’re quite the nervous one, and uptight a bit

Am I uptight to be wary about going away for the weekend with a guy I’ve never met? This isn’t “Friends.”

A: so if I don't agree to go away with u for the weekend, that's it, end of story?
AJ: I haven’t invited u… I’m saying if I get the right vibe that’s what I’d do
heck u can check me out with an ex gf if u want lol, see if I’m worth it
A: I'm dating for marriage, not for weekend getaways
AJ: excuse me? so am I
A: listen, I have to leave for work
AJ: but spontaneity is critical to me I said that upfront
A: I understand that
I guess maybe we'll talk later
AJ: no you don’t, you’ve painted me as just looking 4 weekend getaways. I don’t need help finding dates 4 that sweety
A: I haven't painted u as anything, I hardly know u
and IM isn't a good way to get to know someone, we'd need to talk on the phone
AJ: I saw from your line of questioning how reserved u are

Am I reserved??? Not at all. But this guy makes me wonder.

A: ? I just met u
AJ: not going to pursue it -- my loss I guess
A: what the?
AJ: like I said I trust my gut to a fault
A: then it's definitely your loss
AJ: so I gave u a wide open shot
A: good luck finding whatever it is you're looking for
I suggest you give people a little more time to get to know you
AJ: thanks for the advice

I thought that would be that. But last night he sent me another message:

saying hi again

How should I respond?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. The title "AJ" does seem quite appropriate.

    Appreciate your candor in sharing this.

    I often think there must be a better way to meet people; at least, I wish there was..."post-modern times"

  2. IMHO - The fitting response is "goodbye again."

  3. Its is seriously damaging to not raise his own son - that is a huge red flag. First mom dies and then dad abandons you - this guy has chosen a selfish path - notice how he doesn't want more kids. He wants to get laid, that is obvious from his dialog with you. Its not arrogance or impatience, it is male sexual energy. I feel sorry for this fucker.


  4. What a douchebag. AVOID AVOID AVOID. This guy has spiritual AIDS.


  5. I think he is probably well to do, looks good and has been a golden boy for his parents and was very spoilt. He is pragmatic,cold and calculating. Idon't think you. Need a guy like. That. Tell. Him your gut feeling says no!

  6. Ignore any further messages from this guy.

  7. Should you respond? No.

  8. Seems like he is enjoying some game. Puffing himself up out of insecurity. Wants to come off as unique and desireable, likely fears he isn't. Doubt he is that arrogant in person. Or all that confident about his appearance or he would have tried to tempt you with a picture. Coming back again to say "hi" is part of the game.See if he can hook you by telling you that you can't get him and he is too good for the frumster women.

    He seems to know some psych lingo. And the average person doesn't know that antidepressants can cause sexual side effects and he is trying (poorly) to psychoanalyze you, with what looks like very little data. My guess, he's had his own boughts with depression and therapy too so he knows you can be perfectly normal but also be on meds. Afterall, a huge percentage of the population has been on psych meds at one time or another.

    He's looking for someone he can get excited about sexually. I would take that with a grain of salt. Doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't value what you value in a relationship too.

    That being said, his son not living with him is curious. But I wouldn't dream of taking a guess as to why. If you want to know, you should ask him. Didn't like his "black neighborhood" comments and his assumption that they are "tough cases" but some ppl just don't know.

    This guy is into games. If you are up for it, play too but don't get too invested or share info you don't want him to have.

  9. OMG. This guy fancies himself a smooth operator. Ignore and consider yourself lucky.

    He wanted your first question to be "How much you packin?" So he could brag more.

    Maybe respond with, "Why doesn't your son live with you?" And leave it at that.

    Anyway - red flags all over the place.

    Also - I read in an article about pick-up guides that making the woman feel uncomfortable and insecure is a good way to lower her defenses. His calling you uptight and reserved and shy falls into that category.

    Also - is his first name Naftali?

  10. did you at all notice how he was not at all interested in your answers or what you had to say? the entire conversation was about him.

    wonder what he's like on a date?

  11. Never has one post inspired so many comments so quickly! I think everyone is right on the money about this guy. Good call, Carmen and IsraLuv -- he's obviously trying to put me on the defensive and it's all about him. And sex ;)

    His English first name isn't Naftali, I don't know what his Hebrew name is.

  12. Nice Jewish Guy9/23/2009 1:40 PM


    Definitely don't get involved with this guy. But it might be fun to see you toy with him a while. Send him a pic of some Brazilian model, get him all excited.

  13. I really don't understand why you'd get drawn into a conversation with him in the first place. He's inappropriate from the get-go.

    A guy makes clear he's a creep, but you get into these conversations anyway, and then get infuriated because he's... a creep.

    What were you expecting? If you're on Frumster, you know the guy is off as soon as he brings up sensuality or something similar.

  14. Too late, NJG -- he's already seen my photos. Apparently I'm attractive enough ;) I'm tempted to toy with him just for the sake of it, but it's the aseret y'mei teshuva, so I probably shouldn't. Bad dating karma.

    I wasn't infuriated, Anonymous, but you're right -- he's an inappropriate creep.

  15. Why waste your time!!! He's obviously not ready for anything serious.

  16. Get a ten foot pole.

    He would be hilarious if he weren't so pathetic.

    I'm not sure where I got the following link (maybe from you?) but it's another inbred person: