Sunday, October 18, 2009

Don't mess this up, Ayelet

Well, the rats are finally out of my apartment, and now I desperately need to clean it up because the exterminator really tossed it. As bad as it looked before, it's horrible now.

S. offered to help. I met her in person for the first time today. She was living in Israel when we became Facebook friends; now she's living in Brooklyn, where I traveled today to get my hair cut. (Another friend with similarly thick and curly hair told me her stylist was amazing, so I went to her today. Not sure I'm happy with the results, but we'll see how I look in the morning.)

So S. and I met up for lunch after my haircut. It was really nice to meet her in person; she is as cool and funny IRL as she is online, although for some reason I thought her voice would be flutier. We talked about many things, but of course JV was front and center. Why? Because now that I like him, I'm terrified I'll drive him away as I've done with all the other guys I liked. And because we have all these religious issues and differences.

I'm trying to make sure I have my own life outside of JV. I spent Shabbat with my friend Miriam; she not only gave me shelter Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights but made a nice Friday night dinner and took me to her friends for Shabbos lunch. Then Miriam and I went to Brooklyn Saturday night (I'm spending a lot of time in Brooklyn this week) to go to a friend's birthday party. I called JV from the party, and he was tired, so we didn't really talk, and today he's exhausted because he threw a birthday party for his younger son, so we probably won't talk tonight either.

I should not interpret this as a sign that JV is losing interest in me -- especially since, after the rat infestation (which he helped me through), he's now my official boyfriend. At least he said he was, and I didn't contest it. I guess I'm kind of freaked because we had a weird conversation Thursday night.

I don't remember what we said too clearly. We were supposed to go out to dinner, but first we went to my apartment to see if the exterminator had gotten rid of the rats. Since he hadn't -- I spent some more time screaming, and JV spent some more time calming me down -- we went out to dinner before I went back to Miriam's. I had a few glasses of wine, which also contributes to my faulty memory, but one thing stands out clear: JV cannot say that he loves me right now. Instead, there's a turbulent mass of feelings that confuse him.

This is perfectly normal, fair, and understandable. It's been 20 years, and even though it took JV a long time to get over me, apparently he did accomplish that. And there's no reason to believe JV definitely won't fall in love with me again. I just wish he would already, so I could feel safe again with him. Before, as much as he annoyed me or didn't seem to be what I needed, I always knew he adored me and thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Right now he's playing his cards much closer to the vest, and I feel insecure.

Of course, this is vastly unfair to JV. He has more at stake right now than I do -- he has children. And he's worried about being able to take care of them and cope with me as well, because, let's face it, I am pretty high-maintenance. I'm trying to be less so -- less demanding, less needy, less clingy. It's not easy.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

4 comments:

  1. Haha! It was great meeting you, too. I've gotten that voice comment from a lot of people. I think they expect shriller or perkier, from my comments and/or online personality, and I have a somewhat deep voice for a woman. Unless I'm drunk or in love, lol.

    You'll do fine with JV. Give him time and space, but not too much of either. I think it'll all work out swell. Definitely always good to remember to be unselfish and not overly demanding... every person in a relationship should remember that. But don't let it make you distance yourself from him.

    You probably don't even realize yet that you're on a roll. Move with it. Go with it. You're doing good stuff. :)

    --S

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  2. you are funee :)
    Think less, conspire less, worry less about him saying i love you and more about YOU saying it, silly wooman
    Aaron

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  3. Patience and time, love. Even if you consider the romance of 20 years ago, and even if you consider his lingering feelings, it's still early in the relationship. Slow and steady. And also, he helped you through the Week of the Rat, so that's a positive thing to focus on. On which to focus. You know what I mean :).

    Love ya.

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  4. Ayelet,

    Good for you for recognizing your faults and trying to work on them. It IS NOT easy, and you have a lot to be proud of that you are trying to improve yourself.

    You also understand a great deal of what’s going on already -- JV has more to worry about in moving quickly (in terms of kids, etc), he has been in a difficult marriage before and undoubtedly has insecurities and worries because of that, you have already broken his heart once before and he undoubtedly is worried about it happening again. He NEEDS to move cautiously and slowly.

    You already know this. You are being understanding and considerate to him. Be considerate to yourself also and just relax about it - don’t badger yourself into believing that just because he needs to move slowly, that he does need a little space to himself, etc, that he doesn’t want to be with you or that he is thinking of leaving or that you are not really worth loving. You ARE worth loving, and he obviously still thinks you’re amazing because he wants to be, and is, now your boyfriend again.

    He knows A LOT about you and your needs and your problems through this blog. And he STILL wants to be with you. Don’t worry that he may need a little more time to say, “I love you.” He clearly cares about you a lot from all that you have said. Just focus on calming yourself, enjoying the moment, and not being afraid to love him and tell him so whether he is ready to tell you so back or not. You deserve this. Just stay calm and relax, work on yourself, but be forgiving you both yourself and JV for your insecurities and needs, and let love do its magnificent work in your life.

    Best to you in this.

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