Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I need help with SOS

It's only been about a week since JV admitted his feelings for me and I realized that he looks pretty darn good with his new haircut. But I kinda don't want to date anyone else right now. Which is a problem, because SOS has bought his plane ticket and made plans to date me October 24 (and possibly October 25).

I wasn't sure what to do. On the one hand, is it fair to SOS to go out with him when my affections are somewhat engaged elsewhere? On the other, I don't know if he can get out of the plane ticket. Also, I don't know how things are going to go with JV -- should I at least meet with SOS to see if there's compatibility, and then back-burner him while the JV scenario plays out? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.

One solution would be to set SOS up with my friend Miriam, who is 31, fabulous, pretty, smart, and not dating any Russian engineers at the moment. But I wasn't sure about the etiquette of just offering SOS a trade-in.

On September 29, I wrote to Mottel, who introduced us:

After many delays, SOS and I are set to meet on October 24. He calls it "the most anticipated first date in history!" I'll definitely keep you posted.

Six days later, I wrote:

Hey Mottel, hope you're having a good Succot.

I have a dilemma. I have started seeing someone, and I guess I'm not comfortable "double dating." I feel very bad because SOS already got his tickets, so I don't know what to do. I do have a WONDERFUL friend who is 31, very smart, funny, cute, the whole package, but I don't know if I should just tell SOS I can't see him or try to simultaneously sell him on a newer model. Or if SOS and I should just meet for coffee anyway, because who knows, who knows?

I hope I hear back from him soon.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I would recommend being honest and up front with SOS ASAP. Maybe he can get out of the ticket, maybe he will come anyways, let him decide. Don't delay and add more to his anguish. Playing with people hearts is a painful path.

  2. Your prior posts expressed a lot of ambivalence about JV. And your relationship is just one week old. I'd go out with SOS. You never know! I forget, where is SOS from and how expensive is the plane ticket?
    Finally weren't you supposed to have a date with JV last night? How did it go?

  3. True, there's been ambivalence about JV, and it's only been a week, if you don't count the 20 years we've known each other.

    We postponed the date for tonight; I was tired last night.

  4. It's a tough one. Think about SOS, you'd know his reactions better than I would?

    Here's one scenario: You tell SOS, SOS comes anyway, only because he can't get out of his ticket, goes to meet you but with half of the anticipation leaked out, feeling resentful and unhappy. The two of you may have potential, but that might kill it.

    On the other hand, if you don't tell him, what's going to happen? Potentially, nothing. Could be that A, he cancels last minute anyway for other reasons, B, he comes and you go out on a lousy date and he turns out to be not much of a prospect, C, you have a terrific time but you, being you and feeling guilty, blurt it out in the middle or beginning of the date and ruin the mood, or D, you have a terrific time and he's a genuine possibility.

    JV is a very definite maybe. But right now, you two haven't even gone out one time. So I don't think you're "in a relationship" in any sense of the word. You're not double-dating, actually. You're going on a first date with someone you've planned on dating for ages. I think, if anything, the question you may want to ask yourself is, do you want to tell JV that you're going to go on this date? Maybe yes, maybe no. If he'll find out anyway, via the blog, obviously you'll have to tell him. If that's not the case, you can decide. Do you think this would push JV away, or do you think it would make him feel slightly jealous in a positive way, so that he's more anxious to go out with you?

    In any case... yes, you're playing with fire. Yes, you're in a complex situation. But fobbing off your date on a younger friend is, I would say, not your best option.


  5. I'm with Aaron. Your best route is honesty. If the other guy is someone you know 20 years, you will know really quickly if it is going to happen. I'd say within a month if you see each other a lot.

    Meanwhile, don't lose a chance to meet this SOS guy in person, as long as he is still comfortable with the idea with your cards on the table.

  6. Stop closing off paths that have hardly opened. It is never bad to meet more people and have more friends. You haven't pledged your troth to either JV or SOS, nor have they to you.

  7. So far the consensus seems to be that I should meet SOS.

    And I probably should ask JV to stop reading the blog for a while.

  8. I would recommend you being honest with both prospects. Don’t tell them in a way that pits one against the other or tries to inspire jealousy. Those are childish and unproductive and hurtful tactics that serve no one well. (Not that I think you’d do this, but don’t let anyone suggest that it might be a good course of action.) Don’t tell JV not to read your blog in a while. It will create an unnecessary wedge between you. He’s a smart man and will get a sense that something is not-quite-right.

    JV seems like a great guy, and SOS is someone you were planning on meeting BEFORE JV and you decided to try dating. How both men handle this information will give you great insight into how your relationship would fare over the long haul with either. If JV is the great guy he seems to be, he will not resent you for going on a date with a guy who has bought a ticket to see you before you and JV started dating. If SOS is understanding we won’t resent that you met someone local that you just began dating but don’t know where you stand with yet.

    Be honest with both of them the whole time. If at any point you KNOW that JV is the guy for you, be honest with SOS. If at any point you KNOW that SOS is the guy that’s right, be honest with JV. Don’t string either along, but be truthful to them and yourself. If you honestly aren’t sure how deeply you feel about either, be honest about that too. If either man is not willing to let you figure out your own head and heart, any relationship you might create with that man probably would not go the distance. But likewise, be respectful to the awkward and uncomfortable spot this puts both of them in. Be respectful of their feelings too.

    Honesty all the way. It is the ONLY way to build a lasting relationship built on trust and respect.

  9. Anonymous@10:32, your advice is the best. I will tell SOS I need to talk to him, and I will tell JV about SOS. (Remind him, rather, since he reads the blog.)

  10. Fair and Balanced10/07/2009 10:55 AM

    With one tuchas you can't dance at two weddings.

    You don't need to inform either one of anything until you have one date. Just don't imply the opposite to SOS, that you aren't seeing anyone else while you're waiting for a first date with him.

    And make sure you feel the same. I.e. you wouldn't mind someone doing to you what you're doing to JV and SOS.

  11. F&B, that would be true if both of them lived in the area, but one is flying from out of town specifically to meet me. And honestly, if he lined up another date while he was here, I wouldn't be offended. I'd rather be open and aboveboard.

    The official "first date" with JV has been postponed because he's not feeling well, but we've spent a LOT of time together (in person, IM, and telephone), and we've known each other for 20 years (although a LOT has happened...) so it doesn't really feel like a first date.