Saturday, November 14, 2009

Winter of my discontent

I hate the time change. Already I'm slowing down. I had two offers to go out tonight -- dancing with friends, or to another friend's birthday party. And I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Well, anyone except JV, but he's got his children.

I become passive in the winter, inward-focused. I don't like to go out and do things unless someone takes me. I sit around at home and actually want people to tell me what to do. So this is a dangerous time for me to get involved with someone who wants to radically change me. He might succeed.

It's possible I'm looking for an escape. When JV and I were dating the first time, and I didn't like him much, he met up with a childhood friend who had just emigrated from Russia. He described how they went for a walk and talked about the old days.

I saw an opportunity. Somehow, I knew there was more than just a walk and a chat.

"You kissed her, didn't you?" I accused.

He hemmed and hawed, but whatever his other faults, JV is painfully honest. "Well, yes, but once. Just once."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Because... she was something familiar, a memory. It didn't mean anything."

"You cheated on me!" I cried. I seized that as a pretext and broke up with him.

Is JV my escape from orthodoxy? Is that what I really want?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

7 comments:

  1. I so love your blog and have been so busy, stressed and everything else since My husband passed away on Nov. 6th. I am the same way as you and I am so thankful I have a job because I probably would not go out much at all! Praying for you my friend! Hugs!

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you find some comfort. I know what it's like to only go out because you have a job.

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  3. You could write out a list of every aspect you benefit by being orthodox and see is it worth it to you.

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  4. You might be looking for an escape. But you're an intelligent gal. It might be a good litmus test of your commitment to Judaism.

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  5. Your on the verge of breaking your patten of fear of abandonment by the dominant male in your life. Your lucky you have a 2nd chance with this one 20 years later to illustrate how you have changed and where you have yet too. Good luck!
    Aaron

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  6. I know what you mean about winter. But nevertheless, keep strong. Don't let passivity decide for you.

    --S

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  7. Force yourself to go out and you won`t be sorry (it works whith me)

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