Saturday, November 14, 2009

Winter of my discontent

I hate the time change. Already I'm slowing down. I had two offers to go out tonight -- dancing with friends, or to another friend's birthday party. And I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Well, anyone except JV, but he's got his children.

I become passive in the winter, inward-focused. I don't like to go out and do things unless someone takes me. I sit around at home and actually want people to tell me what to do. So this is a dangerous time for me to get involved with someone who wants to radically change me. He might succeed.

It's possible I'm looking for an escape. When JV and I were dating the first time, and I didn't like him much, he met up with a childhood friend who had just emigrated from Russia. He described how they went for a walk and talked about the old days.

I saw an opportunity. Somehow, I knew there was more than just a walk and a chat.

"You kissed her, didn't you?" I accused.

He hemmed and hawed, but whatever his other faults, JV is painfully honest. "Well, yes, but once. Just once."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Because... she was something familiar, a memory. It didn't mean anything."

"You cheated on me!" I cried. I seized that as a pretext and broke up with him.

Is JV my escape from orthodoxy? Is that what I really want?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I so love your blog and have been so busy, stressed and everything else since My husband passed away on Nov. 6th. I am the same way as you and I am so thankful I have a job because I probably would not go out much at all! Praying for you my friend! Hugs!

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope you find some comfort. I know what it's like to only go out because you have a job.

  3. You could write out a list of every aspect you benefit by being orthodox and see is it worth it to you.

  4. You might be looking for an escape. But you're an intelligent gal. It might be a good litmus test of your commitment to Judaism.

  5. Your on the verge of breaking your patten of fear of abandonment by the dominant male in your life. Your lucky you have a 2nd chance with this one 20 years later to illustrate how you have changed and where you have yet too. Good luck!

  6. I know what you mean about winter. But nevertheless, keep strong. Don't let passivity decide for you.


  7. Force yourself to go out and you won`t be sorry (it works whith me)