Wednesday, December 09, 2009


I'm thinking and moving more slowly. As Esme would put it, my f-a-c-u-l-t-i-e-s aren't quite intact. I've been trying to use the light box consistently, but it's not helping all that much. Getting up in the morning is difficult; so is getting dressed, and taking a shower requires deliberate consideration and effort.

So far, I guess I'm still doing a reasonably good job at work -- more or less keeping up with my paperwork and my clients -- but it takes everything out of me. I never feel like doing anything after work. Even on the days I don't work 1-9.

Strangely, my mood is still pretty good, even though I don't feel like doing anything unless it involves JV. Knowing I'm going to see him is a strong motivation to do what I need to do, like, say, take a shower. But if he's not involved, I'm not interested.

There are tons of Chanuka parties going on, and I don't feel like attending any of them. A friend offered me a free ticket to the ZOA black-tie gala this Sunday, and I thought, "I don't feel like putting on makeup...." JV has his kids this weekend, and I don't feel like doing anything. The rainy/overcast weather doesn't help, although I have the feeling that even if Saturday is sunny and gorgeous, I'll want to lie around doing nothing.

I'm going to Las Vegas with Miriam for three days at the end of the month. I'm excited -- we're seeing Cirque du Soleil and "Jersey Boys," visiting the Liberace Museum and the Museum of the American Cocktail, flying over the Grand Canyon, hitting the casino attractions (gondola ride at The Venetian, Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay). But I'm also little nervous, because she wants to do so many things each day we're there, and I don't know if I'll be able to tolerate it. Maybe I will, if she drags me.

Since both of us know ET, I joked, "I don't want to schedule fourteen different activities per hour. I'm not a hyperactive engineer." I really hope I'm not a total drag on vacation.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Have fun! Should be nice and sunny in Vegas, just get out into it early in the day!


  2. Well, you won't need a light box in Vegas! Even at Midnight the place is all lit up.

    A change in scenery should do you good. But either way if your friend has scheduled too much tell her you may have to beg off one or two things. I'm not depressed and it sounds like too much to me!

    Have a blast!

  3. I stopped going to most stuff once I got into a relationship with my husband (after being single for several years). Honestly, a lot of the stuff I went to was not that great, but I went because when I was single I didn't just want to be sitting around the house all the time, I wanted to be out and around people. But once I was in a relationship, I dropped a bunch of stuff I had been doing just to fill up time, that I wasn't really that into. Being in a relationship takes energy...that energy has to come from somewhere, something else has got to give.

    I know you have been diagnosed with some stuff so you probably medicalize everything, but this could just be you redirecting your energy elsewhere, and also being exhausted from the new role you are now juggling with everything else. Or it could be depression. But since you say your mood is ok, maybe it's just exhaustion, maybe a bit of burnout with a side of nesting with your new BF. I go like weeks at a time without going out or doing anything other then work and hanging with my husband, and I'm perfectly happy with that :)

  4. Try to schedule only one or two "trips" each day, and leave yourself time to hang out on the strip. You can always jump on a moving sidewalk and crash back at your hotel for a couple hours, if necessary. You're going to have a blast!