Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Not by my clock

I'm having trouble resigning myself to the fact that if I do marry JV, it won't be by my clock but only when he is good and ready. My cousins and sister aren't interested in hearing about our relationship or looking at swatches or bridal dress styles.

Actually, one cousin is (Yaffa) and the other (Yonina) is not. Yaffa wanted to see the bridesmaid dress JV and I picked out. Her girlfriend isn't too fond of dresses, so I said Chrissy could wear a matching blouse and black pants. (The manufacturer makes dresses and separates, so Chrissy can easily get a top in the same fabric.)

Then Yaffa, Malka and I started looking at the site's featured bridal gowns. Then gowns on another site I like a lot, RK Bridal. (Discount designer fashions.)

And then Yaffa said, "Why don't we go try some gowns on?"

I should have said no, not until I have a ring and a date. But I don't know when I'll be able to try on dresses with my family, since none of  them but my sister live in the NYC area, and I know I won't want to shop for this dress with my sister.

So we went to a boutique that thinks I'm a size 14, since all the size 12 dresses were too tight. I tried to feel bridey, but I couldn't. First of all because I felt like I looked like an eggplant in ivory organza, even though Malka and Yaffa thought I was beautiful. Also because I couldn't really wear any of the dresses; the designer had to hold them together behind me, since they were all too small. Still, I could see that some of the styles looked better than others, and I also decided that although in theory I like the idea of a very simple gown, in practice I love the big elaborate crinolined affairs.

But that's it. I can't afford to keep thinking about a wedding that may never happen. The more time I spend away from JV, the more insecure I feel. We talk on the phone, but he never says anything about us getting married. And I can't force it.

How can I stop wanting this so badly? How can I uproot the poisonous envy in my heart, seeing so many women with diamond rings? And how can I stop idealizing how marriage is supposed to work, how it's supposed to make me feel? Because I strongly suspect that even if we do get married, it won't make me as happy as I assume it will.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. "Because I strongly suspect that even if we do get married, it won't make me as happy as I assume it will."

    I think this is key. What's the chance that even if you get married you will be waiting for the shoe to drop and fearing divorce.

    There has to be a balance between giving your other space to come to a decision without pressure and not being clear on what you want. Relationships are to some extent feedback loops "What A wants affects what B wants affects what A wants". But still, It's not a healthy relationship if what A wants is all that counts.

    I've read the latest post, so I know how it ends (alas) but I offer this as advice - take it or leave it for what it's worth.