Monday, August 23, 2010

Dreaming about Dr. Ayelet

Last night I dreamed I was afraid to go to work. To the hospital. Where I was a doctor. Because I didn't know anything about being a doctor, and I was afraid to admit that.

I was afraid to face my boss, who, now that I'm awake, reminds me of a doctor I went to in 1995. I missed the start of my shift at 5 p.m. I was ashamed to call in sick, and felt more and more embarrassed the later it got. I couldn't remember anything from medical school. I knew I couldn't call myself a doctor. Then I realized I couldn't remember when I went to med school. Or why I went to social work school after getting my M.D.

I think I had this dream because I feel like I've forgotten how to be a therapist, if I ever knew how in the first place. My caseload is still pretty light, so I've got a lot of empty time on my hands. Instead of reading all the books about being a therapist that I bought and put on my office bookshelf, I don't really do anything. And when clients come in, I feel slightly panicked. What do I say to them? What do I do?

I'm muddling through. A lot of reflective listening, which I was always good at in grad school. Trying to remember that I don't have to fix anyone, I mainly have to listen and help them realize what's in their best interest by helping them verbalize it.

I think part of the panic stems from our decision to go for couples counseling. I sent out a few queries to the professional lists I belong to, got a ton of responses from psychologists and social workers, and left a bunch of voicemails before actually reaching one social worker on the phone. Who happens to have Sunday appointment hours, so we're seeing her this weekend.

I don't think Charlie Brown would have said, "Happiness is two kinds of therapy." I'm in individual therapy with Dr. R, and about to start couples counseling with someone else. What kind of pathetic therapist needs two therapists to manage her life?

And I think I resent having to go to couples therapy. Because I want JV to love me and accept me unconditionally, and right now he doesn't. He's too scared I might get sick again.

And I think I resent him for this recent hospitalization -- as if it's his fault I was trying to do too much and got overwhelmed. I feel like he wasn't supportive enough in the way I wanted him to be, and I cracked under the resultant strain. As bad as my life was between hospitalizations, at least I didn't need to be hospitalized. Until we got back together.

It was September 29, 2009 when he told me that a part of him had never stopped loving me, but what he read on my blog terrified him. He begged me not to kiss him, and I didn't listen, and we got back together. We're going for counseling exactly 11 months after that kiss. And our one-year anniversary will hit on Shemini Atzeret.

I've never dated anyone for an entire year. Does that make this relationship a success even if we don't get married, and I end up alone again and older?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. First of all, you are going to couples therapy for JV's issues as well as your own. He has issues stemming from his divorce that make him afraid of committing again. Don't forget there are two people in this relationship.

    I thought going to couples therapy would make you feel better rather than worse which is why I suggested it--you guys are at an impasse right now and the therapist can hopefully help you move forward.

    Your comment re the hospitalization indicates to me that you guys still have a lot of unresolved stuff to talk about.

    Be strong, Ayelet, everyone has work related slumps. Get your light box back from JV and remember the sun will come out tomorrow (sorry couldn't resist...)

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