Monday, August 09, 2010

Joey says "Take what you can get"

IMed with my psychiatrist friend Joey.
A: I don't think JV is going to marry me
J: yeah? did he say that?
A: he says 80% of the time he wants to, and 20% of the time he's in a blind panic at the thought -- because of my illness, and because he's scared of another failed marriage... I don't know what to do, or if I can do anything at all
J: I think he'll marry you; you need to be patient, and waiting may make kids unrealistic

Gulp.

A: I know... how long do you think I should wait? I guess it's more important to get married than to try to have a baby

Is it?

J: I think you should stay together long term; he is good for you
A: he might not want to stay with me... he doesn't need me as much as I need him... and what if I tell him, I'll wait as long as you need, and he breaks up with me in 5 years, still unwed?
J: then you have had 5 years of love and you will be better for it

In other words, "Take what you can get."

A: I can't enjoy it if I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice the whole time.
J: but you're not... unless you are in a hurry to get married

Ya think?

A: I guess I am
J: he's in a different place than you -- he has kids, was married
A: I know... he doesn't need to have more right now
J: I think he's worth you changing the goals
A: I should stay with him short term even if it means I'll never have children

Abandon all hope, ye who date JV

J: I don't think that you can make decisions like that... you don't have a husband waiting in the wings to marry, and it might be hard to have kids anyway. You are in love with him and he with you... I would not give that up; you are way happier with him than without him

He had to go deal with an actual patient, so I didn't get to express how much I hate commuting between my office in Brooklyn, my apartment in Manhattan, and New Jersey. Or how badly I've wanted to have a baby, and I don't know how to get over that longing.

But maybe he's right. Maybe I should stay with JV for as long as he'll have me, on his terms. Maybe it's better than nothing.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. I agree with J, almost 100%. I think you need to examine your "marriage or bust" motivation and figure out whether it's worth going back to square one. I think it's not. The same way you'd trade in strict frumkeit for JV, you may want or have to trade in 'wedded in 2010' for JV.

    And 80% committed to marrying you is pretty damn good. So stick with him.

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