Saturday, September 11, 2010

Clothing tashlich

I don't feel ready for ritual. Right now, I don't see how it can feel anything but hollow and meaningless. I didn't go to my friend's Rosh Hashana dinner, because that dinner is heavily weighted with ritual. Didn't go to shul either day (or Shabbat). And I didn't do tashlich on the first day. I did it last year, and it didn't exactly bring me a great year, did it? (Friends of mine say I have a very transactional view of Judaism, and I'm not saying they're entirely wrong.)

Instead, I went through my closet. There are suits and blouses and dresses I haven't worn since I gained the weight five years ago. They were just taking up space (and hangers), because the more time that passes, the less likely I am to lose enough to fit back into them.

So I went through, trying on the things I thought I might be able to fit, putting whatever didn't fit into two piles: give to Goodwill or keep on the top shelf on my closet. The latter, smaller pile consisted of really unique and beautiful pieces, or items of sentimental value given me by someone I love. Kept in case I ever do fit them again, or to give to my niece Shira in a few years. (Malka is already taller than I am, so I don't have anything that would fit her.)

There were a few surprises. I can still wear the burgundy velvet dress I thought would be much too tight. It's tight, but not unflattering, so that's a keeper. But most of the stuff doesn't fit and will be given to charity.

Right now I don't need to replace most of what I'm giving away. When do I need suits? I never go to shul anymore, and when I do I wear sweaters, not tailored suits. I certainly don't need suits for work. So my closet feels nice and roomy, and I feel like I'm getting rid of some excess baggage.

Must be why two women at lunch today told me I'd lost weight. I should have said, "Yeah, about 180 pounds."

Lunch was nice, but it reminded me of why I just don't understand the West Side. There we were, all dressed up and smelling nice, eating and chatting, and nobody was falling in love. Nobody was flirting. Nobody even seemed to be trying. We all just talked to people we knew already.

I don't know what lies ahead for me. I can either be terrified or just take it one day at a time. The latter course got me through the first of the holidays. The real question is, can I survive Simchat Torah on the West Side again?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Maybe if everyone was flirting you would have found the meal stressful and bothersome. This sounds like a laid back gathering.

    You got through round one of the holidays participating to the extent you felt up to it. Take it one day at a time. Simchat torah is a few weeks away.

    A happy, healthy and sweet year, Ayelet.

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