Thursday, September 16, 2010

Dating, as scripted by Kafka

Things with JANG have gotten weird.

He emailed me the day after our date asking for another. I told him, in very vague terms, that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. He said something like "I don't suppose you would care to elaborate," and guess what: I didn't. I also kvetched on my "real" Facebook page that the nicer a guy is, the uglier he is. Not the nicest thing to do, but that FB page is visible only to friends. In the comments section I explained that it wasn't only JANG's looks that turned me off; I didn't feel we were intellectually compatible.

So I was very startled to get an email from him yesterday:

would you be interested in a 40ish yr old never married frum cardiologist?....(sefardi)

At first I thought I should decline. But then -- why not?

How sweet of you to think of me. I would be interested in learning more about this gentleman, as I have nothing against dating Sephardim, or cardiologists.

I thought that was an appropriate response, so I was shocked by his next missive:

I may look "repulsive" and at times come across as a total moron, (yes, i know I f---ked up!!!!!), however, I told you, I do not harbor resentment..........Been thru too much in

My first thought was, "How the hell did he see my FB status update?" I immediately took it down.

Second thought: "I didn't use the word 'repulsive' in my update or comments. Why is he saying that? Do we have FB friends in common that told him I said that? How would they know I was talking about him?"

I hate dating in a fish pond. Only one degree of separation between me and JV's ex-wife, and I probably know people who know JANG. But I never mentioned his name to anyone on FB. Or anyone else, come to think of it. I didn't know his last name until I asked him across the table at Starbucks, and his first name's fairly common. I don't think I even told anyone his first name.

Never mind. Deal with the crisis at hand. How should I respond?

I'm not sure what set this off. I am sorry if your feelings were hurt, since that was never my intention.
Keep it vague, don't deny or confirm, try to de-escalate his anger. Damage control.

nothing set anything off... you did not hurt me in any way, shape or form... not everyone likes apple pie... that's reality... I am not hurt, upset, angry, at all... was just engaging in self deprecating humor... PLEASE know... its nothing you did, AND I apologize if I gave you that impression....

So he didn't see my status update. Okay, now I'm just confused.

I'm very confused. I want you to know that your personal history had nothing to do with my decision that you and I are not compatible. You're a great person with really amazing derech eretz. Please don't feel obligated to try to set me up with anyone.
I'm thinking he and I should really go our separate ways.

Ayelet, I do not know any other way to tell you... I am NOT angry, hurt, upset in any way shape or form... I can't "make" you believe that, however its the TRUTH... I know my personal history had nothing to do with anything... I need to lose weight regardless as to if that was a factor, need to do so for my own health...  and if I can set you up and be of help... why not?... it's about Vahavta larayacha kamocha.....

Before I could respond he wrote again:

His name is RD. I will try and call him tomorrow, would it be ok if I gave him your numbers?

Maybe it's the social worker in me, but I wasn't ready to change the subject without trying to be of more comfort.

I just feel bad that you're so upset. Why would you send me a message using the words "repulsive" and "moron" to describe yourself? I don't understand.

I also want to know if he somehow saw my FB page. I guess I'm feeling a little stalked. It might be groundless, but I want to know if somehow he heard what I said about him. If for no other reason than so I can apologize properly.

well... I know that I can do more about my appearance, losing weight is one thing... nothing to do with you...  and pertaining to "moron"... I know I gave the impression that I was not "into" our conversation... it happens very often to me on initial dates... i tend to get very tense and can come across as being a total idiot...

PLEASE believe when I tell you... I am NOT upset.... when I asked you why you never got married... something i still don't understand how anyone would not "want" you... you told me that the men you have been meeting lately, were repulsive

I want to cry. Yes, when he asked why I was still single I flippantly said, "None of the men I wanted to marry have wanted to marry me, and the ones that wanted to marry me, I found repulsive." 

I didn't mean YOU! Oy. I am such a drama queen. And trust me -- there are literally hundreds if not thousands of men who don't want me ;) I'm glad you're not upset. Yes, you can give RD my phone numbers.

I suppose if he is determined to set me up with another man, resistance is futile.

perhaps they are in need of some intense therapy... can't think of any reason that someone who possesses the slightest intelligence would not be happy to have you in his life... you are truly very wonderful

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Well, JV's parents would disagree with him. And I just remembered... something I need to tell everyone who tries to set me up:

no, to each his own... also, I should let you know that as a ba'alat teshuva, I'm not able to marry a Cohen

Willing to bet that disqualifies the cardiologist. According to Ikey Abadi, Syrian Cohanim have names beginning with aleph, bet, gimel, daled. If RD is Syrian, he could be a Cohen.

Why do only the wrong men think I'm wonderful?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. i just started reading your blog. i find it interesting how someone is so open abt their life ..perhaps revealing a bit too much.(and it may be uncomfortable for a potential mate or even a date to know this) OR perhaps you are the courageous one!!! but at the same time it may be harder for you to find the one.

    also, just another comment sometimes when you focus on the details, who said what when, who called who lose the big picture. or sometimes we focus on the minor details, the crazy time line between two people...because we dont want to look at the big picture and see whthere it will work or not.
    i wish you the best of luck..shana tova!

  2. Hey Anon -- I reveal a lot but not everything. I'm still hiding behind a pseudonym and a Frida Kahlo self-portrait ;)

    You could be right about me sometimes missing the forest for the trees. But writing up the correspondence between Sir Gallant and myself helped me see that he's not taking me seriously.

    Shana tova, and thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. He does sound like a mensch, but so sad. You did the right thing by saying no to a second date.

    On the other hand, you do have to be careful on FB--you have a lot of 'friends' and their friends in turn can see what you write. Even if this guy didn't see it, another potential date could. Be discreet! Or let Ayelet handle all the sensitive stuff.

  4. I don't think friends of friends can see my status updates. Nevertheless, from now on, I will only describe my Kafkaesque dates on twitter, the blog, and the Frida Kahlo Ayelet FB page.

  5. Friends may sometimes unintentionally talk or let others see what's on their computers.

  6. why would you assume he saw your private facebook when you have a very public blog in which you recently described a date with someone you thought was unattractive, fat, and couldn't hold up his side of the conversation?

  7. Fewer than 200 people read this blog, AE. I really doubt he's one of them.

  8. I know from comments people have made to me that "friends of friends" can see Ayelet's status. I don't know if that is true of your non-pseudonym account or not.


  9. Only friends can see the real Ayelet's FB page and status updates.

  10. Two or three friends of mine have asked me about Ayelet's FB posts because they can see them when I make comments.

    There have been articles about how so much of what is on FB ends up in the public domain. Don't write anything on FB that you don't want the world to know. And isn't your Twitter feed on FB as well?

  11. That's all "Ayelet," not the real Ayelet whose name is not really Ayelet. And my twitter feed is supposed to be public so millions of people can follow me. I'm quite disappointed there are only 37.

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  13. Do some soul searching about why you need to have a large following. By putting yourself so out there you are possibly doing yourself some real harm. Read some of the comments again. Really read them and spend some time thinking about them. We all sometimes think we are more clever than we actually are.

  14. Anonymous, the reason I wanted a following was not so I could become the bipolar Kim Kardashian. I genuinely wanted to show that it's possibly to have a successful life with the illness. Right now, I'm not providing such a great example. I'm not sure how blogging and tweeting are doing me harm, when I have fewer than 200 readers and followers.

    I grant you that I probably think I am more clever than I actually am.