Sunday, September 12, 2010

IM with Joey the psychoanalyst

IMed with my friend Joey tonight. Since the end of my relationship with JV, I want to try to get dating right this time around.

Ayelet: how r u?
Joey: ok, you?
Ayelet: ok… took a bunch of clothes to Goodwill, started using an acupressure mat, still eating reasonably healthily, have a date tomorrow night

Typical single weekend, right?

Joey: sounds good!
Ayelet: I suppose... he's not too exciting… the guys I get excited about show a little interest and then lose it
Joey: what's not exciting about him?
Ayelet: boring job, unambitious, doesn't seem like a creative thinker, but does believe in communication to work through problems; not sure if I'll find him attractive in person, or vice versa
Joey: never met him yet?
Ayelet: nope, met through Frumster; he tried to ask me out while i was dating JV, now he's available, and I am too
Joey: you need to get to know people for longer, I think, and not put so much stock in the initial excitement or infatuation
Ayelet: you are absolutely right, but: if I really don't enjoy talking to someone, how many times do I put myself through that?
Joey: well, I don't have a formula

Well, you should.

Ayelet: I suppose nobody does, and I guess I shouldn't expect a high-achieving guy to want me, I'm not exactly unflawed
Joey: you need someone who will love you; ambition is fleeeting
Ayelet: but I want someone I respect, who impresses me. I guess once you hit 40 you need to scale back your dreams. You don't think part of the reason your wife loves you is you're achievement-oriented?
Joey: but initially we are all impressed with superficial things and they don't last
Ayelet: do you love your wife for different reasons now than when you married her?
Joey: yes… i love her now because she loves me mostly

That's depressing.

Ayelet: really? that's it? not because she's smart or funny or a good mother?
Joey: those are all factors
Ayelet: so I shouldn't expect to feel a little excited around a guy
Joey: but when I met her, it was mostly infatuation and physical attraction, then friendship, and my point is that you are probably more critical than most people, and you may be letting good people slip by

My greatest fear.

Ayelet: maybe
Joey: this guy in particular, I don't know if he's too lame or not
Ayelet: I'd hate to think I told too many people their noses are too big
Joey: ???? what do you mea?
Ayelet: u never heard that story?
guy never gets married, goes to ask his rav why; his rav said, you met your basherte, but you thought her nose was too big
Joey: no never heard that… I don't believe in bashert anyway
Ayelet: neither do I, I think you meet someone compatible and work on the relationship; I just need to make myself more compatible
Joey: that's a hard thing to do, but a noble goal
Ayelet: how do I do that?
Joey: if someone is really interested in you, it seems like they deserve a good chance
Ayelet: should I go out with luftmensh librarian? I felt like he liked me for outdated reasons
Joey: why not?
Ayelet: I didn't enjoy talking to him
Joey: what are outdated reasons?
Ayelet: that I majored in comparative literature at a fairly good Ivy... he was also a complete know-it-all even when he didn't, which was irritating
Joey: ok so that sounds like a turn off which is not entirely superficial
Ayelet: whew!

I hope I'm not manufacturing reasons to reject people who might make me happy. And I don't know why I get so annoyed when men contact me in the morning, I respond, they read the response... and then nothing. It drives me up the wall. I should just erase those emails from my in-box and forget I ever got them.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I am actually on JWed for the first tme because I thought it might be a nice alternative to JDATE. But so far I think it is worse. The guys I respond to seem to disappear, nobody lives near me, the cute ones are literally in other countries and I keep getting my profile viewed by men older than my father who are lightyears beyond me in terms of religious observance. I think when my month's membership expires, I am going back to JDATE.

  2. Stop beating yourself up! You don't have to give every schmuck on the west side a 2-date-minimum chance before opting out. Your instincts are good. Trust them.