Monday, September 06, 2010

Shadchanit's on my side

So I called the shadchanit to tell her I wasn't interested in the luftmensh librarian. Wished her a shana tova u'metuka, gmar ketiva u'chatima tova, the usual. And added my personal bracha: "May this year bring you everything you need and even more than you deserve."

I'm pretty proud of it. Succinct yet pithy. Almost a poem in its concision and resonance. Anyway, apparently she likes it as much as I do, because she left me the nicest message, returning the bracha and practically begging for the chance to set me up again. Told me, "Always go with your gut, there is no obligation... we will definitely keep you in mind for the future."

Wow. (I've been using that word a lot today, on Facebook and Twitter. Not sure why.) I feel so validated. Also, I realized another thing I didn't like about this guy. He was all excited that I went to a mediocre Ivy and studied literature, blah blah blah. That was 20 years ago.

I'm different now. I seldom read poetry unless it's by Dorothy Parker or Ogden Nash. My nightstand staple is usually something by Agatha Christie, not Baudelaire or Schiller. I'm not an artsy-fartsy intellectual, and I don't want an artsy-fartsy intellectual. Going out with this guy would just be wasting his time and mine. There are plenty of women who went to Barnard or Brandeis or University of Pennsylvania who will be fascinated by this guy. I'm no longer one of them. He is not for me.

In other news... so I'm trying to write to men in a way that will get them to respond. Honing my craft, as it were. So I'm going to show you two profiles, and my initial contacts. Maybe you can tell me why neither of them have written back, even though they've 1) read the emails and 2) looked at my profile.

First up: ChaiPretentious. Not sure why I wrote to him. Reading his profile, he sounds full of himself.

This is how I describe myself: I'm looking for an intelligent, articulate and truly compelling Jewish woman. So, I asked my friends to give me a few suggestions for my profile. (never do this)

Common question - I live in Silicon Valley but have a family flat in NYC and there regularly. If you would like to know or would like more pictures – just ask.

I hope you'll find some of their suggestions amusing - I did!

"tell them you are a great catch"
"you're the guy their parents have been kvetching about finding"
"hey wait I have 5 friends that would die to date you"
"tell them that you are super cute, have all of your hair, are in great shape and are really active"
"did you know my sister is looking and she has always asked about you"
"you have tons of great friends and are very close to your family"
"tell them you are 41, but look 31"
"you love to travel and have been all around the world"
"tell them that you are looking for Ms. Right not Ms. Right Now"
"you are really successful, but still spend 25% of your time doing non-profit work"
"WELL it's about time that you settled down, got married and had children"
"you understand work/life balance"
"you are really cultured and collect art, wine, antiques, etc."
"don't tell them what happened to the pet iguana"
"you have an organic vegetable and herb garden"
"you have places in Silicon Valley and New York City - two of the best places in the world"
"you live in a great area and you are not moving ‘cause we don't want to loose you"
"you have a big house and throw great parties that nobody misses"
"tell them that finding the perfect Jewish woman will make your world complete and everyone else in your world very happy"

**Update: Thanks for all of the great responses and sharing some of the suggestions your friends and family offered for your profiles…I may start posting some of the hysterical suggestions others are getting…keep them coming**

This is what I am looking for in a mate: The person I seek would likely have many of the following traits: Perceptive, intuitive, very intelligent. Thoughtful, verbal, enjoys discussions. Affectionate, passionate, craves a strong bond of intimacy. Easy-going, adventurous, open-minded, but has principles. Kind & giving. Aspires to follow halacha (Jewish law), and displays derech eretz (respect for others). Wishes to grow personally, spiritually, and in Jewish knowledge, and to raise children who exhibit kindness & respect towards others.

In my defense, I saw his profile and wrote to him very early this morning:

To: ChaiPretentious Date: 6-Sep-10 07:51 am

Subject: intelligent, articulate, and truly compelling

Message: Talkative, passionate, principled, growth-oriented. I could give you a ton of adjectives about me, but ultimately you'll get the best sense if we have a cup of coffee and a good conversation together.

According to The Rules, you're supposed to spend as little time as possible exchanging emails and get to that first date as quickly as you can. He checked out my profile and read the email at 11:24 a.m. Not a word.

Next up: Dr. Chatty. (I know: who thinks up these silly monikers?) Here is his profile:

This is how I describe myself: I am very easygoing, energetic, optimistic, spiritual and happy. I am comfortable around all types of people...the whole Jewish spectrum and non jewish. Love the life I have while always trying to improve and become better. Always reading and learning about life. Love my profession in medicine always trying to help and inspire others. Love to laugh but enjoy making others laugh even more. I'm spontaneous and try never to be too serious. Very into exercise and enjoying life as well. Really love raw fish/wine/cooking/growing food...and have a secret dream to open a sushi place with good wine and music. Most of all I would like to get married and have children.

This is what I am looking for in a mate: Kind, goodhearted, easygoing, optimistic, energetic, spiritual, enjoys life, loves to laugh and have fun with a sense of adventure.

Sounds a bit of all right. I was told by Rochel that I agreed too much with Dr. Chef, showed too much interest. So let's try a different tactic with this doctor:

To: Dr. Chatty Date: 6-Sep-10 07:53 am

Subject: unfortunately, I hate raw fish

Message: Don't like sushi. Don't even like lox. Too bad, because I love laughing and having fun ;)

He checked out my profile and read the email at 12:08 p.m., around the time I was arriving at the spa for my massage and facial. No response. Any thoughts as to why? Did I go from "too much in common" to "not enough in common"?

Re: the massage and facial. The latter was so-so -- she was very gentle extracting my pores, but then all she did was put two masks on me, wash them off, and use an electroshock device on a very large, subcutaneous pimple. "I do not eggsdract heem," she told me. "Ve keel heem anuzzer vey, ozzervize ve shpred zeh tcherms."

Did I mention that everyone who worked at the spa speaks Russian? At least no one was shoving plates of snails drenched in mozzarella under my nose. But the masseur who gave me my deep tissue massage was Russian, too. After asking me a few basic questions (any injuries, surgeries, medications, etc.), he worked on me.

It was disturbingly intimate. Not erotic; I wasn't at all aroused. Haven't really been aroused since the breakup. But I was very conscious that I was naked and a man was touching my body. Especially during the mercifully few times when he was standing right next to my arm and I became aware of what I believe was his junk.

I can't be 100% sure, because my arm isn't as discerning as, say, my fingers. But he was fairly short, and his pelvis was more or less level with the table. And I have to say, either I really don't turn him on or he's a consummate professional. Or both. Because his junk didn't seem very interested in the proceedings. As if all of his blood was securely above the waist.

I realized that for an entire year, I've only been touched and seen naked by one man. Which is unusual for me. In my manic heyday, I was handled by... let's just say, well more than one man per year. No wonder it felt so intimate.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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