Sunday, September 19, 2010

Should I date or reject this one?

Lately I've been feeling like I've ruined my life beyond all remedy, probably because I rejected some perfectly nice guy I was supposed to marry. I've lost a lot of confidence in my judgment. So I don't know if I should go out with or not go out with the guy who sent me this email:

Okay you got me. At two parts; one Wanting to be a stepmom, and two being funny while creating entertaining life experiences. You sound like a good friend of mine he and I crack each other up just in simple ways. Example putting two words together by accident, we were driving somewhere and he meant to say "don't turn here" became "duntun" it turned out to be quite a funny twenty or thirty minutes.

The other part are my kids they are important to me. Being jewish with non-jewish children works for me however I imagine it would be hard for someone coming from the outside to deal with or tolerate. I expose them to what I can so that they will be able to make a valid decision later in life. I admit I goofed I made a decision early in that that marrying someone jewish and building a jewish home was not an option for me, however I continue to meet more and more interracial jewish couples so it is possible. Silly of me to doubt Hashem.

Anyway I have a pretty much have a smooth running jewish home as a single guy, it would be nice to have a woman's presence.
So thank you very much for checking out my profile enjoy the rest of your holidays and I look forward to hearing from you.

This is his profile. He lives out of town and he's a doctor, so let's call him OOT, M.D.

43, Male
Columbus, OH
Divorced, with children
Modern Orthodox (liberal)
Jewish Convert

What Modern Orthodox Liberal means to me: This level has been the key guiding force in my life and throughout my career. I am still wet behind the ears with it however I have been fortunate enough

This is how I describe myself: I am going to pull the "camera shy" card. However I will describe myself starting from the outside. I am a black Jewish male ( that will cause a few people to click off right about now). I wear a kippah, usually black to blend in with my hair, keeps the questions down. I have a swimmer/lacrosse player physical build, so I am told. I will just say that I am athletic - muscular arms, muscular legs, small mid-section, and wide shoulders, a definite "V" shape. I have a graying short, close cropped beard, and jet black hair.

I like to swim, run, bike, hike, camp, play soccer, cook out, play with my two dogs - a giant schnauzer and a soft coated wheaten terrier. I am very much a country boy, I have a jeep, that get driven all year round, usually with the doors and top off. Exception when I go to the office, I have a more business-y vehicle for that. When I am not being Mr. Hippie Country boy, I enjoy jazz, the theatre/arts, museums, and viewing gardens. Learning - whether it be oil painting, guitar, piano, another language/culture, pottery, or sheep shearing (lol). Along with Torah studies.

I am divorced and I have 5 wonderful kids, now if the above did not run you off this probably will, lol. One is an adult the rest are under 18, we have been divorced for awhile however, we contemplated trying again. And we created one more who is 6 months old. I have been divorced for 4 years and I have been Jewish for three.

Now for those who have bravely considered continuing, I am an avid learner. I speak 6 languages, however, not so that I can show off or how smart I am. I know them because of the people I am surrounded by, i.e. Spanish, French (family related), Portuguese (family related also), sign language - volunteer related and of course, Hebrew and English. I chose to convert because of a 20 year spiritual tug, the "tug" won and I am glad. I attended synagogues for about 10 years prior to actually "taking the plunge." As I said earlier I have, B"H, been surrounded my some fabulous people.

I have decided not to pursue locating a future wife from among the non-Jewish crowd, as I anticipate that creating problems, with how torah observant I strive daily to become. When I have time I enjoy baking challah for Shabbat, and preparing meals for guest. I enjoy, when it is my turn, hosting guest, and family for Shabbat and Yom tovs. My brother helps from time to time, otherwise I recruit a friend or one/both of my daughters (who want to learn to cook). Thankfully I do not always have to schlep kosher meat in, as the area that I now reside in has some meat available. Or my brother will make a trip to Cleveland.

I am a kind, loving and gentle person, I look for opportunities to do chesed. Whether it be getting involved with the homeless programs, or volunteering in underserved communities. At the time one thing that I have taken on is being a father figure to a couple of kids that I know, whose fathers are not involved in there lives. I am a romantic at heart, and I enjoy being in love, something fascinating about that connection. I enjoy and miss doing little things for someone that I care deeply about, expecting nothing in return. Giving on a grander scale - i.e. community - has it advantages, however, giving to someone who is closer and dearer to ones heart trumps the other substantially for me. To be in the midst of a chaotic event, busy, busy, busy... and to look across the room into each others eyes and communicate "I love you" and return back to the chaos, what could be better. To get home at the end of the day, collapse on the couch and just know that you are appreciated and highly esteemed.

At the end of the day, yes I am black, who cares. I am Jewish and that is what matters to me, I am loving, caring and kind. Looking for a fellow neshama who wishes to be on the receiving end of a generous giver.

This is what I am looking for in a mate: I could care less about what degrees you might have, however, I am not looking for someone whose occupation is shopper, drama queen or snob. I am looking for a woman who sees herself as beautiful and is intelligent. Someone who has a good, and open heart, to love both Jews and non-Jews. An intelligent, artistic type of young lady, with some spunk and some fire. Someone who loves to learn, is a person of prayer, and emunah. Someone who enjoys hosting guest, either for Shabbat/Yom tovs, or a fellow Jew passing through town.

Someone who loves being in love and being doted over, someone who enjoys being sent flowers just because she was thought of through the course of a day. Someone who enjoys receiving a note or a card because she was thought of a few days ago... LOL. Someone who enjoys having her guy come home after a good day or bad day and it being a relief to she her.

I am looking for someone who knows how to build a peaceful, loving and harmonious Jewish home, because I am looking to build that home with someone.

Should I give him a shot?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. My hesitation would be around his being Jewish for three years, divorced for four years, and having a 6-month-old son (with his ex-wife, it seems?) from when they were thinking of getting back together. I obviously don't know the backstory, but he sounds a bit unstable to me.

  2. I see a lot of potential there, but two draw-backs.

    1)Columbus, Ohio. Before you proceed, think about whether you would relocate, and if you could relocate to Columbus. It's a lot more like Rochester than like NYC. (closer to Chicago, farther from your siblings ;-) )

    2) Being a step-mom to his kids might be very different from the situation you had with JV's kids. Reading into the subtext, you will be a triple-outsider -- white and Jewish, as well as the step-mom. Although you have earned your urban creds through work, don't expect these kids to embrace you. Starting with pre-teen/teens, your influence and your values play a much smaller role than with elementary school age. Now the baby - that is intriguing. I wonder how much time he spends with these various kids.

    I think you should at least pursue it to the next step. None of his self proclaimed red flags match your concerns, and he is bright, fit, outgoing.

    Miriam Bat-tzion

  3. Assuming he's not bullshitting, and I have a sense he's not, he sounds like an amazing guy. He's obviously committed to Judaism and is not a 'player.' May be an issue with all the kids but that's a good issue to have.

    Definitely worth giving him a shot.

  4. He sounds great in a lot of ways, and I don't see why his being black should be relevant. My question is -- how committed can he be to halachah if he, two years after gerus, was having relations with a non-Jewish woman?

    I know you're not shomer negiah, but there's really no way to halachically justify sleeping with someone outside marriage, niddah or no.

    (And how ill-advised to do so without protection?)

  5. Please, I love you, but NO. Between his pekel and yours this is something to say no to.


  6. I agree with the last posting. This guy has waaay too much baggage, and he lives out of town!

    (Remind me to tell you about my relationship with the Vietnam War veteran sometime.)

  7. You told me about the Vietnam Vet. Too many ex-wives, among other baggage.

    So far it's 3 yeses and 3 noes on the out-of-town doctor. I'm leaning toward no.

  8. You should always discount my advice by at least 50%, based on my track record and limited dating experience! So that gives you 2.5 yeas and 3 nays.


  9. tikunolam and AM, thanks for confirming what I was leaning towards ;)