Tuesday, September 14, 2010

SO nice. Not bright. Completely repulsive.

JANG really is a nice guy. Emailed me to tell me he was running late, called to make sure I got home safely after I escaped. But I should have known I wouldn't find him remotely attractive. It's always a bad sign when someone posts a shadowy, dark photo of their face and lists their weight as "a few extra pounds."

I tried. God knows I tried. But I could barely look at him. His teeth were atrocious. His nose was large, crooked, and bulbous. His eyes were beady. His posture was marginally better than Quasimodo's. His hands were pudgy; the thought of them touching me was horrifying. Even when he smiled, he didn't look cute. I hate how judgmental that sounds. But that's just how I felt.

Worst of all, he wasn't really smart enough to keep up with me. I hate having to define my terms in casual conversation. That is something I cannot compromise on. If he were ugly but I enjoyed talking to him, maybe I would have given him a second date. But I didn't even enjoy his company. Again, I hate being judgmental, but I tried, I tried, and I could not enjoy talking to him.

It's awful because he's had a very sad life. His parents were not well enough to care for him -- he hinted at psychiatric illness but didn't specify and I didn't ask. So at age five, he was placed in foster care. Despite that, he grew up into a well-adjusted, responsible adult. He spent many years in a miserable marriage because he didn't want his young daughter to have to live alone with her mother, who apparently has anger issues.

But you can't date somebody because you feel sorry for them. Especially if you can't even look at them. I feel like a bitch, but I honestly could not look at him, could barely talk to him, and think he has even more emotional baggage than I do. Which is saying a heck of a lot.

Somebody please tell me I'm not a bad person, because I feel pretty rotten.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. You've been conditioned to value compassion over your natural instinct for what's attractive and what's not. Don't beat yourself up so much. It's nice that you feel sorry for him. You're a nice person. But that doesn't mean you have to date him, for crissakes.