Sunday, October 31, 2010

"I don't care if you stay single for another 40 years."

Bijan called me back to harangue me for not wanting to talk and talk and talk on the phone with him.

"Do you know how long you talked to me?" he said. "Thirty-nine minutes. I timed it."

"So why are you calling back?" I asked. And we went round and round again. And he was making me uncomfortable.

"Are you always this stubborn?" he asked. "That's not the way to get married. I don't care if you stay single for another 40 years."

What could I do but hang up the phone again? This time, though, I was fully convinced he doesn't deserve me. Mean as I am, I do not curse people that kind of ayin hara.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

I'll let Bijan have the last word

Dear Ayelet, 

I just wanted to say that it was a pleasure speaking with you over the phone and thank you for your time .
Just a little note as my exprience shows time after time i can know a woman over the phone way before i ever meet her in person...You just showed your true colors and hung up the phone on me , a gentelman that you have never meet. You are not worth my time or my effort and i wish you best of luck and may G-D help you understand to treat men in a better fashion than i was treated by you... You call yourself a Lady...then act like one my dear)!!!!!
P.S: You owe me an appologey for hanging up on me, that is if you call yourself a true LADY. Just know you left me no other choice than me writhing this awful email which i truly regreted writhing it,but i never ever thought that you will hang up the phone on me or anyone because i thought we were having a normal   conversation and if you are not abel to carry a regular conversation then you need not to get married to a man 

Good luck because you need it

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Another Persian control freak

I suggested Honestbijan call me at 11 a.m. today to chat. He called at 12:40 and 1:15. I picked up the second time.

"I didn't want to call you too early," he said. "I thought I would give you more time to sleep."

"Trust me," I said, "if I said 11 a.m., it wasn't too early." Whatever. We started talking and he told me several things. I can't recap the conversation because I'm still kind of shaken, although I do recall him telling me I have "beautiful lips," which struck me as a little inappropriate. He also lives with his elderly parents, both of whom have some form of cancer.

Finally, said he was coming to NYC in a few weeks on business.

"So why don't you call me soon before you come," I said, "and we can get together?"

"That's fine," he said, "but before then we should be talking 2 or 3 times a week. I need to get to know you over the phone."

The Rules say don't spend a lot of time on the phone -- get right to the date. I didn't tell him that, but I did say, "I think it would be better if we waited until we meet in person. I've had previous experiences where I talked a lot on the phone, and then in person things didn't go so well."

"I need to get to know a woman before I meet her in person," he said. And we went over and over that point.

"Fine," he finally said. "I am a gentleman, I will give in to your wishes. But when we meet, I will be as cold as a stone, because I will not know you."

As cold as a stone because I don't want to spend hours talking to him before we meet? How passive-aggressive is that? He reminds me of every Persian guy I went out with who wanted to own and control me. I hung up the phone and unplugged it from the wall.

I'm probably not doing a good job describing how the conversation went, largely because right now I am completely creeped out.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Write about your discontent

I read an interesting article called "Why Taylor Swift Is Right to Write Songs About Ex-Boyfriends." Its premise is

doing something creative when you're going through an emotional crisis is one of the best things you can do to cope, says Harvard psychologist Shelly Carson, author of "Your Creative Brain," which hits bookstores this month. "It's a stress reducer because it uses parts of the brain that are incompatible with anxiety and fear," she explains. Stirring activity in those "creative" brain regions actually overrides activity in those regions that move you to tears or ice cream binges.

I figured it was worth a shot. I am a writer, after all, if not a songwriter. The article suggested several ways to "take those negative feelings and launch yourself into a better state by producing something out of nothing." Including this:

5. Write about your discontent. Set aside 15 minutes for three consecutive days to write about your deepest thoughts and feelings about an extremely important issue that's affected you. It might have to do with a strained relationship, an illness, parenting issues, your job, whatever is taking center stage in your life at present. The exercise is called emotive writing and University of Texas psychologist James Pennebaker has shown in his research that a 3-day stint has beneficial effects on mental and physical health in those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Of course, you can do it as often as you like after the first three days.

So I decided to try. Here is my first 15 minutes' worth of writing about my discontent:

I’m still so angry that JV broke up with me. I’m furious at his parents for thinking I’m not good enough for him, or for expecting him to take care of his grandmother at the expense of his own life, when he deserves a life and happiness of my own. I’m angry that he lied to me about it, that he decided he didn’t want to be married again. I can’t believe that. During the time we were together, he did everything a good husband would have done to look after my care and comfort. If I couldn’t sleep he wanted to know why. When I missed my period and wasn’t pregnant he was worried. When I wasn’t feeling well, he thought long about what I should eat for dinner. He is a born husband.

And I miss his children, especially M2. I miss them so much, their little faces and how happy they were to see me and how much they liked my cooking. It made me feel more of a grow-up to take care of them. It took me out of myself, my narcissistic concerns about every twinge or bad feeling. Because I had to prioritize them. And I was able to do that because I had JV caring for me as well. They made me think I could be a good mother, even though I’m self-centered and narcissistic and obsessed with my own illness and ailments. I was still able to take care of them.

I don’t know how I’m going to find another attractive man who will want to take care of me the way JV did. I haven’t liked any of the men who’ve contacted me and followed up. I get so frustrated when someone makes contact with me and then drops it. That has happened twice on Supertova and innumerable times on Frumster. It always feels like I will never get anything close to what I want. And that isn’t necessarily a doctor or a banker, but someone intelligent, who can carry on a good conversation, who is well read and has heard of the things I talk about (aside from work stuff which needs to be explained to anyone).

I still resent JV terribly. I want bad things to happen to him and his parents. I hope he can’t find another job and stays in that miserable job forever, getting screamed at every day by his sadistic insane boss.
I miss the kids as much as I miss JV. They were supposed to be my kids. I feel cheated. I don’t know if I’ll ever have any children.

When I’ve dated men with children in the past, I’ve always felt resentful when it ended that I didn’t get to be a stepmother. So presumably I can meet another man with children whom I’ll love as much as M1 and M2. It’s hard to see now because I don’t know those future kids, and I know and love JV’s.

It just makes no sense. We could have all been so happy.

I’m furious that JV left me alone that weekend, right after I'd been demoted at work, and drove me to despair in my solitude. I hadn’t been in the hospital for 10 years. And without him, I don’t think I would have gone back in. I really believe it was his fault I ended up there. And it was not a good hospital to be in. Although in a sense it was a useful professional experience, because I interacted with so many of the other patients and was able to help them in a few ways. I think.

I’m supposed to write this for 15 minutes. It’s been about 8. I don’t feel any better yet. What can I say beyond the fact that he loved me and he left me, I wanted so badly to get married but I don’t know what he really wanted. How could someone who loved me leave me like this? Just drop off my stuff and never contact me again. Although he did want me to keep his house key, and I refused. The melodramatic part of me later thought I should go to his house and kill myself there, and let him find my body. But then I would miss his reaction, which would have been the whole point of that dramatic gesture.

I keep telling myself this is temporary, because if I’m not married by the time I’m 50, then I will kill myself. But this Yom Kippur, which I spent at home in bed because of the seizure I had on Yom Kippur in 2000, as the sun was setting—neilah—I prayed that if I wasn’t going to get married this year, then I didn’t want to be sealed into the Book of Life. It’s not a threat. I mean it. I prayed to die if I wasn’t going to find love and companionship. Because no matter how much my family and friends love me, no matter how much my clients appreciate me, it’s not enough. I’m sick to death of being alone.

I hate to think I put myself in this predicament, that in the past I rejected someone who could have made me happy. There’s no way of knowing. But it’s not just love where my life has gone wrong. I’ve gone thorugh so many helath problems and so much pain—knee pain, back pain, sinus surgery, disgestive problems, allergies, being hit by a car. And so much professional frustration and humiliation, which is so painful I can’t even write about it today. My life is just more disaster than serenity. Maybe a large part of that is my fault, but it can’t all be. 

I’m just tired of never getting what I want, and watching other people get it. I’m tired of all this poisonous envy and resentment. I think I would rather be dead than continue to envy and resent the people around me. And I can’t do anything to myself because it would destroy my mother. But I have no reason to live. I don’t feel close to God, I don’t feel any religious or spiritual sentiments. And I don’t have anyone who needs me as a mother or a wife. I’m not irreplaceable.

No wonder they say it takes at least 3 days to feel better. Rereading that, I feel pretty terrible. I guess I'll see what the next two days bring.

I also wrote a poem about JV's kids. But I posted it on the "real" Ayelet's page, so I can't post it here. It's not that great a poem, but it made me cry, writing it.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Friday, October 29, 2010

What do you think of this one?

I got a "Tova-Flirt":

You just got Tova'd. Honestbijan has sent you a Tova-Flirt. This means the user is interested in you and is checking to see if there's mutual interest. Please view their profile. Either Tova-Flirt back, or send a message if interested.

Who is Honestbijan?

City: burlington, MA
Country: U.S.A.
Height: 5'7" (170 cm)
Age: 46
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Brown
Body Type: Athletic Build

Ethnicity: Middle Eastern
Religion: Conservative
Frequency of Synagogue: Sometimes
Kosher: Always

Children: None
Want Children: Yes

Profession: Buy and sell Diamonds and Antique jewelry
Job Title: Owner
Education: Associates Degree
Salary: Prefer not to say

Relocate: Yes
Biography: Biography

Perfect First Date: Our first date would be full of smile and laughter from both of us and before we meet for the first time we would have spoken over the phone and have decided on a mutual time and a place that we both can get to know one another and enjoy one anothers company. We both also feel as if our date should not stop and we both look forward in our second date.

I'm not inclined to judge his grammar or writing because it's apparent English is not his first language, and I'm sure he speaks English much better than I speak his native language. And I've been yelled at for being an educational snob, even though I stopped talking to men without at least a bachelor's degree because all the ones that contacted me turned out to be managing non-kosher Chinese restaurants, or something like that. And I was tired of constantly defining my terms in ordinary conversation. But again, he's not a native English speaker.

I do not find his picture attractive. But, as I'm constantly being reminded, I'm too picky. And this guy was nice enough to contact me. So I'll respond:

Thanks for contacting me. Can you tell me more about yourself?

He sure could.

I just wanted to thank you for contacting me and it would be my pleasure to get to know you much better .

AS for me i am an honest,respectful,loyal,hard working,very supportive and a fun and sweet gentelman. I have never been married before and i do not have any children and i am looking for that special someone who has been missing in my life.

I was orginaly born in Persia which now called (Iran) and have been residing in the U.S for 30 years and yes if you are still wondering that i am jewish the annswear is a positive yes and i must say that both of my parents from both side are by blood jewish .

Just a few things that i am looking for my future mate are :

First and formost she has to be my best friend,my sweetheart,my love,my wife,my lover and the mother of my
hopefuly future children .

Now if you think that you would like to get to know me a bit more then by all means let me know few things about yourself and just who you are and what you looking for.

P.S : Looking forward in hearing from you soon and hope that you have a great rest of the day .

Warm Regards, Benjamin
Shabbat Shalom

TikunOlam? What should I do??? For some reason I'm kind of scared.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

What happened to Dr. CaliFoot?

That's what I'm calling the Persian podiatrist. Actually, PP, PersiPod, or Dr. CaliFoot would be great monikers for him, but they're kind of wasted because I don't think I'll be hearing from him again. Not sure why. After his last email to me, he asked what I did over the weekend, and I told him I went to see Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. (Which I did, courtesy of my fabulous friend Shaindel.)

Dr. CaliFoot wrote back:

Awesome! I saw Les Miserables when I was there and absolutely loved it. I notice that you say you are willing to relocate. If you leave NY aren't you going to miss going to Broadway shows?

I saw Les Mis the first time it was on Broadway and didn't like it much, but didn't see a reason to bring that up. I responded:

I don't go to Broadway shows all that often. I guess relocating would have to be worth it ;)

I thought that was cute and flirty, but that was on Tuesday, and I haven't heard from the PersiPod since. (Damn. I really like those monikers.)
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The men who ignore me: Out of my league?

Since my commenters think I dismiss the allegedly eligible men who contact me, I wonder if the men I try to contact are so out of my league that they're justified in not replying. Here are a few examples.(I've slightly altered the screennames.)

42, Male
Jewish Education: hebrew school
Secular Education: Medical degree
Languages Spoken: English
Political Beliefs: not important
Height: 168 cm/5' 6"
Build: average

Religious Practice
Shabbat observance: Ritual observance & growing
Kashrut: Kosher at home but not out

The role of Judaism in my life: Common beliefs and values binds husband and wife and children together

This is how I describe myself:well educated, kind, sincere, mensch who has a wonderful home in NJ and looking for someone to share it with.

NJF doesn't say anything about the kind of woman he seeks. I guess he'll know it when he sees it, and didn't see it in me.

Jewish Education: yeshiva/seminary
Secular Education: Bachelors Degree
Languages Spoken: English, Hebrew
Political Beliefs: right wing
Occupation: investment advisor representative
Hobbies and Interests: too many to list right now
Height: 178 cm/5' 10"
Build: athletic
Do you smoke?: no

Religious Practice
Shabbat observance: Not at all
Kashrut: Kosher at home but not out

The role of Judaism in my life: family, heritage, faith, jewish continuity

This is how I describe myself: i`m semi-retired from being an adrenaline junkie ( sort of ). i enjoy everything from golf to automotive work ( i do have a degree in automotive technology ( i got it for giggles and hahas )), snowmobiling, motorcycling, skydiving, dining out and traveling. suit and tie, or jeans and a t-shirt. i`m a jack-of-all trades. just looking for a best friend and partner. oh yeah, i love to cook and i am a romantic. i`m also good with my hands, working in the house, on equipment or doing landscaping ( actually had my own veggie garden years ago ).I like to experience many different aspects of life; from different culture to geography. Nothing like traveling and seeing other parts of the country, other countries and continents. Experience other styles of living, foods, behavior and driving on the wrong side of the road.Locally, i enjoy Long island and upstate New York. Enjoy spending time in miami, south beach and driving down to the keys; deep sea fishing and taking out a wave runner.Music, well that is an entire different conversation all its own. as well as books ( authors ), movies, a passion for cars. My greatest love of all is my family...SERIOUSLY. I have three brothers and one sister, four neices and three nephews and thankfully the best parents i personally could have asked for.I have had good experiences and learning experiences. Like they say... what doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP...HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST... WANT TO LIVE LIFE WITH NO REGRETS BUT IF YOU HAVE NO REGRETS THAN YOU HAVEN`T REALLY LIVED LIFE...something to think about... that`s all folks... y`all come back now ya hear. thank you, thank you very much, will be here all week !

This is what I am looking for in a mate: i`m looking for a woman that is a girl as well as a lady. she should be able to go from one extreme to the other, from serious to silly.

Don't I fit that bill? ;)

42, Male
New York, NY
Single, without children
From a traditional family
Jewish Education: hebrew school
Secular Education: JD/MD/Ph.D/Doctoral
Occupation: Clinical Child Psychologist
Hobbies and Interests: Movies, Travel, Friends.
Height: 183 cm/6' 00"
Build: athletic
Do you smoke?: no

Religious Practice
Shabbat observance: Ritual observance & growing
Kashrut: Not at all but working on it

The role of Judaism in my life: Judaism is a very important part of my life, providing structure, stability, joy and connection.

This is how I describe myself: I'm a warm, affectionate, guy with strong goals and the passion to carry them out. I'm also proud of who I am and encourage others to feel the same way about themselves. I'm curious by nature, love to experience other cultures and ways of thinking.

This is what I am looking for in a mate: I am looking for a woman with a lot of spontaneity and passion for new things. Who isn't afraid to go camping one weekend and to the opera the next and who hasn't lost the little girl inside her

Actually, reading that last part makes me kind of glad he didn't respond.

42, Male
New York, NY
Divorced, with children
Traditional, from a traditional family
Mixed Ashkenazi & Sefaradi
Jewish Education: jewish day school
Secular Education: Bachelors Degree
Occupation: Bond Trader
Hobbies and Interests: Sports, Travel, Arts
Height: 168 cm/5' 6"
Build: athletic
Do you smoke?: no

Religious Practice
Shabbat observance: Ritual observance (Kiddush, Synagogue, etc)
Kashrut: Kosher at home, only fish & dairy out

The role of Judaism in my life: Judaism allows me to appreciate people for who they are and provides endless opportunities for personal growth.

This is how I describe myself: I see the positive in people and find the humor in the moment. I am competitive and athletic but I prefer biking across Israel and skiing down the French alps over watching the pros have all the fun. I do the best I can and thankfully often achieve what I set my sights on. I am a single dad and love every fulfilling minute. I have a strong jewish identity and love for Israel.

This is what I am looking for in a mate: I would like a relationship, on some level, to be electric, fun and natural. Every now and then I want to communicate freely and be encouraged to share what's on my mind beyond the standard 'yes, dear'. I would like the idea of patience to involve at least one deep breath per person. As a native of Mars, I would like to express myself in a way that translates into the language of Venus. It would be nice to have frequent conversations about what is going on in the world at large, as well as our own little worlds. She's balanced in her interests – so work isn't always her primary focus. She definitely wants to start, or continue, a family of her own. She creates a home, whether it's bringing new meaning to the jewish holidays, or hosting a meal for family and friends. She's just light and spontaneous enough that she is a good counter balance to my level headed ways, but she's not totally off in the clouds either. She's got plenty of her own hobbies and activities, and she invites me to share them but does not give them up for me. She can step out of her comfort zone. She is outgoing and can work a room on her own. The intangible, of course, is that when she does enter that room I simply light up when I see her.

Guess I don't measure up. Why am I interested in these guys? And why are they so wrong for me -- or am I so wrong for them?

And will those men in their 60s and 70s STOP LOOKING AT MY PROFILE????? GROSS!!!!!!! They're like pedophiles.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

What you get for tempting fate: The return of BPMS

Got a call today from a wedding venue JV and I visited, telling me they could no longer hold it for us, and wishing us a mazal tov. Fortunately, they left a voicemail and I didn't have to respond. Just went home and am now drowning my sorrows in Nutella. I considered getting a bottle of wine, but since I think I'm having some BPMS, I thought chocolate was indicated instead.

November 21, 2010 will just be another Sunday for me. Another lonely Sunday.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Fat, illiterate, and passive-aggressive

I contacted 6 men I thought were eligible. None of them responded. Instead, I got this email:

 I liked your profile.
 Your pretty.
 Check out my profile and if it resonates with you contact me.
 Either way:
 All my best, Mensh4u

"Your pretty" doesn't bode well. So I looked at his profile:

Age: 40
Astrological Sign: Leo
Marital Status: Single
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Blue
Body Type: Heavy Set/Few Extra Pounds
Exercise: Occasional
Politics: Prefer not to say
Smoking: No
Drinking: Socially
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: Just Jewish
Frequency of Synagogue: Haven't gone in a while, but would like to start
Kosher: I just don't eat pork
Willing to make Aliyah?: Maybe
Parents are Jewish: Both of them are Jewish
Been to Israel: Not Yet
Children: None
Want Children: Yes
Profession: Self employed.
JobTitle: Self employed.
Education: Some College
Salary: Prefer not to say
Relocate: Not Yet
Biography: Biography
Perfect First Date: We'd go out for coffee. We'd have a great conversation. Then, we'd schedule a second date.

No biography. "Some" college. Vague profession. Overweight. I'm not interested. But he said "either way: all my best," so he should be a mensch if I turn him down, right?

Sorry, I do not think we are a match. Best of luck to you.

His response?

Thank you for the timely reply.
 Here's a gift:
 Here's a URL address to an interesting (singles) article that I accidentally found while web surfing: 

I checked out the article. Its title? "Are you being too picky?"

Fat? Check. Illiterate?  Undereducated, at least. Passive-aggressive? Check. A mensch? Absolutely not. I blocked him and reported him to the site administrator:

I told this member I was not interested and he sent me a "gift": a link to an article entitled, "Are You Being Too Picky?"

Didn't think I'd hear back, but I did:

Thanks for letting me know. Yeah, I think some may handle rejection differently. I’ll keep an eye out. 

I'm now more convinced than ever that my dating life is designed to humiliate and frustrate me by alternating rejection from desirable mates with pursuit from undesirable ones.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Monday, October 25, 2010

Where do I go from here?

Saw a reasonably cute guy on Supertova. Sent him a "flirt" and we started a correspondence. For some reason Supertova doesn't store emails chronologically, but I think this is our conversation so far:

MS: Thank you for the flirt. How are you? Hope you are doing great. What part of NY do you live in? How long have you lived there? Looking forward to your reply.

Ayelet:  I live on the Upper West Side -- been here since 1992 (eek!). Did you grow up in California?

MS: Oh how I envy you! You have been in glorious NY for 18 years! I went to NY (as an adult) in 1995 for school (New York College of Podiatric Medicine) and then four more years of residency for a total of eight wonderful years. The first four years were in Manhattan (school in Harlem (eek!) and housing also in Upper West Side and then one year of residency in Park Slope, Brooklyn and then last three years of residency in Staten Island.
It is difficult to determine where I grew up. I left Iran at the tender (LOL) age of 9 and lived with six foster families (four in Brooklyn, NY, two in Atlanta) for a span of two years. Then my mom came to Los Angeles and I was there until I left for NY as I mentioned before.

Drat. He's Persian.

How about yourself? From where did u go to NY in 1992?

A: I moved to NY right after college. Been here ever since ;) What part of LA do you live in?

MS: At first I lived in West Hollywood (or is it Hollyweird) and then it was West Los Angeles. Currently I live in what is known as California's Central Valley in a city known as Merced (or as the local teens call it, Merdead). It is about five hours north of Los Angeles and two and half hours away from San Francisco. There are pretty much no Jews here at all. On weekends that I am not on call I go to synagogue 45 minutes away. Have you ever visited California/West Coast

A: My grandparents used to live in Berkeley, so I've been there a million times, and I've also been to LA. I love California, even if you're in a dismal urban area, you can drive 20 minutes and be in gorgeous nature. Never heard of Merced, though. 

MS: LOL, and that is very normal my dear as I myself had never heard of Merced until I met someone from there. What was/is it from California that you liked?  Over the past five years of being here it has been a double edged sword in that not a lot of Jews here and no Jew wants to come here.  What exactly is a "conservadox?" 

"Conservadox" being what I call myself on these websites these days. 

A: I wasn't happy with any of the "labels" on here. Right now I'm Jewish and somewhat observant. If I go to shul, I like walking there. 

MS: Yeah, that is true, labels are lame. These days everyone makes own their own rules anyways. I consider myself more of an agnostic these days. Ever since being exposed to the theory of evolution in high school I have been confused. I have also become somewhat "evil" in that I am trying to score brownie points with G-d so he can find it in his wisdom to find me a wife. I try to eat kosher whenever I can but do eat chicken and fish that is not kosher. Hence, confused, LOL.

I'm confused too. Being "evil" to score brownie points with Gd? I have no idea if I'm interested in this guy, or if I should be.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Last word on LNJSNK

For some reason LNJSNK un-suspended his profile so I sent him another message, as suggested:

I choose Fairway... have you been to the one on 125th St. in Manhattan? They have everything from kosher chicken to octopus. Shabbat shalom, Ayelet

Before he re-suspended his membership, he wrote back:

Hi Ayelet, I read your profile, but I did not think we would make a good match. Much success in your continued efforts.

The standard Frumster brush-off. I guess sometimes my instincts are right.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Friday, October 22, 2010

What's out there on OKCupid

I joined OKCupid at the suggestion of a few friends. I'm not impressed so far. This is why:

Exhibit A: Lobsterhunter (yes, that's his screenname)

Self-summary: Hello my name is LH and I 5'9and 1/2" tall and a non religious 46 year old jewish man looking to get remarried and grow old with my new best friend a non smoking non religious jewish gal who is under 40 or a non jewish gal willing to convert and who loves sex as much as I do plus wants to make babies and live the surburbian dream as well! 

I'm really good at: Love making and sports and talking and doing what I say I will do most of the time 

I spend a lot of time thinking about: How I will pay my bills and build a family with no career/job and no lady currently in my life! 

On a typical Friday night I am: On jdate wasting my time! 

No, no, no.

Exhibit B: Kookoo (not his real screenname, but close to it)
The first things people usually notice about me: I look exactly, exactly like Tom Cruise ( without Oprahs couch) or Fabio [note: goes without saying that he doesn't]

The most private thing I'm willing to admit: I'm smarter than you think, in ways most do not understand.
But, still kinky when it counts
And, that I still enjoy Pro wrestling. 

You should message me if: Your loving, funny, progressive, family oriented, a queen, but not a psycho or a bitch. OR if you were able to understand this profile 

And people wonder why I'm still single...
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Too late for LNJSNK

I was hesitant about contacting LNJSNK:

I'm not sure. He read my note but didn't respond. You don't think he'll find it annoying?

My friend disagreed:

Not at all. He stressed the importance of both a sense of humor and a love of Yiddishkeit. He gave the big clue himself that the lady must be willing to say they met while shopping for kosher chicken. Of course, he said it jokingly, but the meaning is clear; to be able to be serious about someone or something, but still be relaxed enough to play along with something outrageous once in a while. He sounds like a guy who would cheerfully "eat his words." If anything, he may find it flattering that you think he is worth pursuing a little more.

She had me there. I went back to Frumster and tried to email him, but couldn't. I reported back:

It's moot. I tried to view his profile and got this message:

This member has temporarily suspended his membership.
Therefore, his profile cannot currently be viewed, nor can he send or receive messages.

But I appreciate you strategizing for me ;)

Seriously, the best thing about FaceBook, as far as I'm concerned, is that I've met a ton of people, virtually, who really seem to care about me. She wrote back:

I'm sorry it didn't work out this time. I should have sent the suggestion as soon as I read where you put his profile. In any case, it's good to remember that the person who does not respond to you may be doing so because he feels he might not measure up to your expectations, so by not responding, he doesn't ultimately risk rejection. You have so much good stuff to offer a man, that if you are able to look at the situation as a chance to go beyond first impressions and casually and gradually get to know someone (without prejudging based on the bullshit that people will put on a profile just to impress people), you may discover than when you are not totally focused that each one should be the right one, you'll be pleasantly surprised and will actually find your bashert.

It's even harder for Jewish guys to admit they are maybe just a mensch, but not Mr. Macher, because our charming American Jewish Culture has stereotyped the hell out of them. We've all, men and women been surrepticiously programmed to have unrealistic expectations about a future mate, I think. So, if you meet one who makes you purr, don't worry so much about the "fect."

She's probably right, and when people are right, I'm usually big enough to tell them:

You are a very wise woman, and I'm lucky to have you as a friend. I will try to ease up on the first impressions. It's just hard when you've been on so many awful dates that you think you just shouldn't have gone on in the first place.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Should I try again for LNJSNK?

A Facebook friend wrote to me today:

I've been reading some of your posts and blogs. You might want to think about sending a follow-up email to the lawyer in New Jersey, saying that you forgot to ask at which store and what time the two of you should "accidently" meet in the kosher poultry section with you Shabbos shopping lists, prior to going for coffee and conversation. I can almost guarantee you'll get a delighted response from what sounds like a very delightful guy.  In any case, I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

It's very nice of her to think of me and make a suggestion; I don't want to discount that at all. Goes without saying that this is completely against The Rules. I wrote to him, he read the note but didn't respond. Should I do as she suggests?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Am I too judgmental, or are these legit red flags?

Just heard from a guy on Supertova. According to The Rules, I should only respond to people who show interest in me, rather than chasing men who might be indifferent or averse. This is his profile:

Height: 5'9" (175 cm)
Age: 44
Marital Status: Single
Body Type: Medium/Average
Exercise: Twice a week
Politics: Moderate
Religion: Modern Orthodox
Frequency of Synagogue: Every Sabbath
Kosher: Always
Children: None
Want Children: Yes
Profession: Family Therapist
Job Title: Family Therapist
Education: Graduate Degree
Salary: 25,000-35,000
Relocate: No

He lives in Florida, so we'll call him FloriDavid. Nothing was terribly wrong about his profile, except maybe his income. I would think family therapists make at least as much as I do, even if they don't live in the most expensive city in the US. But while I was on the site he sent me an IM and we started chatting. He told me he sent me a message, so I read it:

how are you?? thanks for your message. it seems like we have some things in common. i'm david, single, never married, and 44. i live in north miami beach. i am a b'aal teshuvah - having become more observant in 1986 while studying in israel. i did my junior year at the hebrew u. in yerushalayim and also studied at aish hatorah.

i have a master's degree in mental health counseling and was working as a family therapist with teens with substance abuse and mental health issues. i currently am tutoring students in math and reading.

i enjoy tennis, swimming, walking, the beach, soft rock and Jewish music, the theater, comedy, movies, and dining out.

take care and i look forward to speaking to you soon.

He's working as a tutor? I'm a horrible person, but I'm not impressed. He asked me where I studied; I told him.

wow! very impressive! 

he wrote back. And told me where he studied: Tulane BA, and a master's from "Our Lady of the Lake." You haven't heard of it? Apparently it's a small school in San Antonio, where he is originally from. He started studying social work at Columbia -- as he put it, "did some time" there in 1989. I asked why he left.

well......long story short- ti was not working out and no offense, i'm not a big fan of nyc...  it was a very rough sem for me up there

Yeah, it's a tough town. And in 1989 NYC was a lot worse than it is now. How horrible of a person am I to think less of him for this? I'm just not interested. Is this why I'm still single, or are these legitimate red flags?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why not just tell me the truth?

So I joined, another dating website. Sent a bunch of "flirts" -- little messages indicating interest:

You just got Tova'd. Ayelet has sent you a Tova-Flirt. This means the user is interested in you and is checking to see if there's mutual interest. Please view their profile. Either Tova-Flirt back, or send a message if interested 

Got the following response from a guy with the screenname "Hmm...":

Hi Ayelet - Thanks for your message. I was recently set up with someone so am not free at the moment, but much thanks for thinking of me and hope you find your bashert soon! 

Why not just say you're not interested and you don't think it's a match? Geez.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The shirtless-in-pool look? Not if you're over 50.

Ayelet friends people on FB indiscriminately. So when I got a friend request from a guy whose profile picture shows him shirtless in a pool, I accepted. I thought it was a little creepy and gross, since he was obviously over 50, but hey, I'm probably too judgmental, and I didn't say anything. He's commented a few times on my status updates, mainly to say he was as lonely as I am.

Shirtless in Pool (SHiP) posted on my wall today:

read your blog..was interesting...I thought I was nuts...

Charming, SHiP. Although I guess that's a joke. Ayelet can take a joke:

not as crazy as I am ;)

SHiP then posted a request for a photo. I got tired of being nice and nonjudgmental and emailed him:

You're kind of creeping me out...  To be completely honest, I find your profile photo very inappropriate, and I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with you. I'm not showing you a photo.

He blocked me after that. Which is fine. It's just extremely irritating that I can, without any effort, attract any number of pathetic 50something guys I'd rather die alone than sleep with. But that's always been my dating luck. From Neb to JANG to however many other men I found repulsive.

And yes, I joined the millionaire website. I emailed a few of them; we'll see if they respond. I decided to view them as a hobby -- an enjoyable way to spend my spare time, so I'm not sitting home alone obsessing about being alone. My mother thought she needed to warn me not to become "promiscuous" (her word). No worries, Mom. Unless they're giving me serious jewelry, or a car or an apartment, sex is not on the table.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Rejected by eHarmony

I was going to sign up for, but I found their system confusing. If I sign up for a Bronze membership, does that mean I can't reply to Silver members? And a Silver membership is about $128. That's pretty steep for a social experiment.

So I went to eHarmony. And after I filled out their extensive questionnaire, I got this message:

We're very sorry, but our matching system cannot predict good matches for you.

eHarmony's patented matching system was developed after extensive research into marital satisfaction. We use each person's responses to our Relationship Questionnaire to predict the pairings of individuals that are highly likely to result in satisfying long-term relationships, based on what we learned through our research.

Unfortunately, based on responses to our questionnaire, we occasionally find situations where our matching system cannot identify high quality compatible matches, and this has happened in your case. Please understand that it is a result of our matching process and in no way reflects on you as a person or your ability to be in a happy relationship.

We apologize and regret our inability to find good matches for you. The time you spent completing our questionnaire, however, has enabled us to provide you with a free Personality Profile.. This Personality Profile lets you learn more about yourself and should provide you with valuable insights.

We wish you all the best in your search for that special someone.

So much for that...
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Giving the Jews one more chance

I decided that I will join if I don't get some expression of interest from a Jewish guy by Sunday. I'm going to a party Saturday night, and I'm already on a number of dating websites, so it seemed fair to me.

Somehow I found someone new-ish on Frumster. A lawyer from New Jersey. Single, no kids. Call him LNJSNK. I kinda liked his profile:

This is how I describe myself: A movie, dinner, comedy club, a concert, a good restaurant, museum, a walk/run or simply doing things together is my style. I'm a traditional, fun, cool, sensitive, warm-hearted, all-around, family oriented guy, looking for my best friend and more. I'm an optimist and can find humor in most any situation. I firmly believe nice guys don't finish last. I love being Jewish, our history and traditions and hope my counterpart has her own unique connection in some way. I like to cook, enjoy a healthy lifestyle. am a healthy eater, exercise, get together with friends and family, and love animals (even saved a greyhound from the track once)and music of all kinds--top 40 to klez to cantorial to the philharmonic. Hopefully my soulmate is hiding here.

This is what I am looking for in a mate: She is warm, friendly, and enjoys smiling. She appreciates useless trivia and great music. She likes her family (at least most of the time :); does not think it's weird to talk to her parents every day (or at least that I do); she is "in touch" with Judaism in some way and wants to have her own unique dynamic Jewish home and family; and is looking for her best friend and more. A good soul with a massive sense of humor :) Of course, must be willing to say we met looking for a chicken in Whole Foods (Kosher Valley free range of course), or better yet, Fairway.

My dating coach friend Rochel told me not to be too detailed in my initial emails with a guy, which is probably what spooked Dr. Chef. So I dashed off a quick note to LNJSNK at 7:30 tonight:

I'm a bottomless well of useless trivia. Even made it to Jeopardy in 2001. Didn't win big, but I had a lot of fun and the crew thought I was real cute. Shabbat shalom, Ayelet

As of 8:23 tonight, he has read it but not yet responded. If he's like the 200 or so other men on Frumster who read an email from me and did not deign to respond, I will join on Sunday with a completely clear conscience. If he responds, I'll put off meeting the millionaires. If we go on a date, I might dispel some of the existential dating despair I'm mired in.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Saturday, October 09, 2010

So much for David

My friend Shalva convinced me that we should frequent synagogues that we usually don't attend, and "introduce ourselves" the way "we" did on Simchat Torah. (I say "we" because the two of us walked around together but she did all the introducing.)

During kiddush I spotted David. According to The Rules, I shouldn't have even gone over to say hi. But he's shy, and the room was crowded.

"Hi, David," I said.

"Ayelet!" he said. "How are you? Do you usually daven here?"

"I haven't been here in years," I said.

"Welcome back!"

This sounds promising.

"So are you going to be in Brooklyn for work anytime soon?" I asked. "You know, I still haven't tried that restaurant you mentioned. Should I wait for you or should I try it myself?"

And he got flustered. "Well, I... I mean, I have a meeting, or do I? Wait, maybe it's in... two weeks? But I don't know if it will last through lunch. I mean, it's a breakfast meeting, two, three hours... so... no, you should try it, you should go."

So much for that. Shalva was a little upset. "I can't believe none of these guys are paying attention to us," she said. "I'm so tired of being ignored."

It's hard for me to understand why she's being ignored. She's gorgeous, smart, and nice. But she doesn't have the unfriendly, I'm-better-than-you veneer of so many young women and men in this neighborhood. I don't think we're going back to that shul.

I got home, had lunch, took a nap, and found that two more millionaires had emailed me. See, about a week ago, after seeing tons of advertisements for on Facebook, I decided to join. As a lark. Because of course, why would millionaires want to date me when they could date models?

At first I thought it would be an exercise in self-acceptance, because of course nobody would write to me. Except they did. I've gotten more emails in a week than I do in 6-12 months on Frumster. From guys who are close to my age or younger, and also, um, hottttt. Some of them are seriously hot. And I was almost completely honest about myself. Okay, I said I weigh140, but apparently I look like I weigh about that. I asked Shalva and a few other female friends.

Why do non-Jewish millionaires want to meet me while Jews completely snub me? And would I be better off with one of them than one of my own? Should I give up on children (likely a pipe dream anyway at my age) and marrying a Jewish man, and just look for love and acceptance anywhere? (Beverly Hills. That's where most of them live. A few are in Miami and Dallas, and a few are in New York.)

I'm seriously starting to think about paying to join the site and write back to the 18 millionaires who wrote me. Actually there was a 19th, but he seemed really, really needy, so I deleted his note.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Friday, October 08, 2010

Maybe I'm not doing The Rules right

One concept stressed in The Rules is that you are always sweet and feminine when turning down a guy, never harsh, sarcastic, dismissive, or otherwise like Ayelet.

Jersey Jake just wrote to me:

I'm sorry we really didn't have a chance to talk that much, as yontif was so busy.
Chanan was saying we had a lot in common...

Am I not getting through to him? I am waiting for him to ask me out already! But he's hanging back. I'm not supposed to encourage him, according to The Rules. But what if I came across as dismissive or uninterested and he's not sure whether to proceed?

Ack. I'm thinking of responding:

Yes -- parties and kiddushes and onegs are fun but hectic. Not the best way to get to know somebody. 
What did Chanan say we have in common? :)

Too little? Too much? I don't know anymore.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

The third man

So I met three men on Simchat Torah: JJ, Yitzy Jewberger, and David. His name really is David, but so many Jewish guys are named David that it's a convenient and relatively anonymous moniker.

David was at a Friday night dinner catered by my friend ET. ET had thoughtfully named him as the closest to me in age. ET is always very conscientious to warn me before I go and get interested in one of his equally age-inappropriate friends. I knew David was a little younger than I was, but ET still thought it was plausible. So I made sure to sit next to David at dinner.

"Nice job on kiddush," I said to him. "Was the wine any good? I'll have a glass."

This is totally against The Rules. You should never show any interest in a man. Rather, you should remember you are a unique, exquisite creature unlike any other, radiate confidence and joy, and magically attract attention to yourself. I have always been a little impatient, and I guess these days I'm not radiating so much confidence and joy.

It seemed to work anyway. We got to talking. He works for the MTA. I work in a building owned by the MTA (we rent a clinic office), and sometimes he works down the street from where I work in Downtown Brooklyn. (There are a ton of substance abuse treatment programs in that area, for those of you who might worry I'm blowing my cover.)

"How do you like the area?" he asked.

"Not that much," I said. "The commute's not bad, but there's no good shopping and very little kosher food."

"Did you ever go to Wild Ginger?" he asked. "It's a vegan place on Smith Street."

"I have not," I said.

He looked away. "Well... maybe the next time I'm in Brooklyn... we could have lunch there," he mumbled shyly.

How adorable! "That would be great," I enthused, then remembered I wasn't supposed to show too much enthusiasm. "My work schedule is different every day, and some days I work a late shift, but on one of my early days I'd love to go there with you."

So it's Shabbat. He can't write down my phone number. How is he going to contact me? According to The Rules, I should have let him worry about that and figure it out. Silly me, I said, "I'm on Facebook, are you? Okay, I'll find you on ET's friends list and friend you."

I should have let him do that. Because I did that and he hasn't contacted me. And we talked for a long time. We realized we both went to the same college (he started the fall after I graduated) and knew a ton of people in common.

"I haven't been back in forever," I said.

"We should visit again!" he said. Wow. From lunch to a weekend trip away?

"Sounds great!" I said.

Then, remembering The Rules, I said I was going home. "Okay," he said.

And that was it. I friended him, but he hasn't emailed me. Of course, then I started seeing his picture and comments all over my friends' FB pages, because we have friends in common. I also commented on one of his status updates, to which he did not respond. Bad, bad, not playing by The Rules at all.

I've hidden him from my news feed, so I won't be tempted to make any more attempts to communicate. But somehow I don't think we're going to Wild Ginger anytime soon. If at all.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Grow a pair, JJ

I saw JJ here and there over the holiday. We didn't make any plans to get together, because he didn't ask me. I am really trying to play by "The Rules" (TR), and TR insist that a woman should never initiate anything, since that deprives the man of the chance to pursue and win her. I've been wondering whether he would contact me and ask me out. Well, he contacted me this morning:

Subject: hey there
it was great to meet you. Thanks for making a great yontif that much more enjoyable. I hope you had an enjoyable chag as well..

How do I play it? Cool.

:D Glad you enjoyed, and I also enjoyed meeting you.  

Well, not completely cool. The big smiley emoticon might have been a little over the top. But what the -- ? Why isn't he asking me out?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

So who did you meet on Simchat Torah, Ayelet?

Forget about renewing the annual Torah cycle. Simchat Torah is all about meeting people. And I did. I decided that I would get out at least once per day, but wouldn't drive myself crazy trying to hit every party and social scene. And I met three guys.

Technically I met one of them before the holiday started -- through my friend Chanan. He emailed me while I was dating JV to suggest I go out with a friend of his. Who sort of fits my toxic type -- blond, big-headed, divorced -- except this one's not divorced. Cute, though. I emailed him the day after the breakup:

As things have it, I am no longer dating that person. While I probably need some time to de-brief, would you be able to tell me a little bit about the guy you wanted to set me up with? That way, in a month or so when I'm ready, I can go for it ;)

This was Chanan's response:

It's good to hear from you. I am sorry to hear about your breakup, I know that they can be devastating. But am also glad I suggested this set up. Now maybe you have something to look forward to.

My friend's name is Jersey Jake (JJ). In his late 30's, he's probably about 5'7" - 5'8", relatively thin and has a full head of hair. He grew up Conservative and became observant in his late teens or early 20's. I have known him since we attended YU together. He is a gentleman, and treats women with respect, but for whatever reason has not met his bashert. He comes across as a "nice Jewish boy," but is sophisticated and worldly. He appreciates culture and class, while having a spontaneous side and a sense of humor.

As I mentioned, we attended YU together, but I believe he started college at Fairleigh Dickinson before transferring. He was an MIS major, but I know he also worked in the fashion district, in his family's business, which has since closed. He is currently looking for a job.

As you probably know, people who become more observant often face increased conflict with their families over religious issues, and JJ has had that with his family since I can remember. Naturally, being involved in a relationship with someone facing that can be tough (I have some of that with my wife's aunts and cousins), but my impression of you since we've met is that you are diplomatic and understanding, and work to reduce conflict as much as possible. 

Additionally, I think of you as a supportive person who can date someone who is out of work (some women can't, and naturally that can lead to conflict later in marriage if the husband loses his job), and while understanding, strive to motivate and help your partner grow and achieve. Those are important qualities, especially in this economy and disheartening job market.

Lastly, and maybe a bit superficially, JJ has a gift for back rubs. I remember people asking him to work on their backs after workouts or whatever. He should have been a massage therapist. I know you learned acupuncture and while recently thinking about your knowledge of relaxing needle treatments triggered a whole chain reaction and I thought you and he might be a good pair.

I hope I have given you a little taste of what he is like and also why I thought of the two of you making a compatible couple. If you would like, I can introduce the two of you via email or Facebook and you can take things at your own pace, developing a friendship and seeing when you are ready for more. Either way, let me know how you would like to proceed.

Good shabbes and k'tiva v'chatima tova. I hope the coming year brings you joy and the realization of your dearest wishes.

On the plus side: he's smart, respectful of women, attractive, gives good back rubs. But I realized a) I'm FB friends with JJ and b) I think I emailed him on Frumster a few years ago and was rejected. He's younger than I am, so he might not be interested.

Then again, if Chanan tries to set it up, maybe I should play along. So I agreed, and told him a few weeks later that I was ready. First JJ "poked" me on Facebook. Fine, whatever. Then he sent me an email a few hours before the holiday started Wednesday night:

Chanan suggested I give you a buzz.
I'm planning on being in the UWS for yontif. Anything noteworthy to attend? I noticed you were going to a party

We haven't even met, and you expect me to be your social director? You're supposed to be making plans to date me, not vice versa! But I was nice.

I'm going to a bunch of things, including the party tonight; you can probably stop in too. Let's touch base after the holiday.

According to The Rules, he needs to make some effort to win me, not just show up and have me and others entertain him. And since we've already been introduced, I'm not going to waste the holiday just socializing with him when there are tons of other eligible bachelors I could be meeting.

Wednesday night I went to that party, meeting up with my friend Shalva. It was in a tiny apartment, insanely hot, and nobody was paying attention to us. She actually remarked upon that.

"I went home for Yom Kippur and the first days of Succot, and I went out with four or five guys," she said. "It's amazing how guys from New York completely ignore me and guys from out of town actually want to date me."

"Same here," I commiserated.

"What is wrong with New York guys?" she asked. "If I were a guy, I would totally go for either of us!"

"I'd marry you in a second," I said. Shalva is tall, slender, very sweet, with a lovely face and great energy. But she feels as invisible as I do at these things.

After Shalva and I left the party, I saw my friend ET on the street and stopped to talk to him. And then a guy walked up to me and said, "Ayelet? It's JJ!"

He looks like his pictures, which is to say reasonably cute. And we chatted in the street for a few minutes. But I didn't want to spend too much time with him. Again, playing by The Rules: he should know that I'm busy, in demand, and he has to make an effort to see me. "Easy to be with but hard to get" I think is how they put it. So after a few minutes I suggested he enjoy the party and I'd see him around.

"Who was that, Ayelet?" asked Shalva. "He was totally focused on you! He wasn't looking around at all the other girls while talking to you." A typical NYC male tactic -- scanning the crowd for Ms. Right while talking to Ms. Right Now.

Hm. Maybe The Rules work? I'm not sure. I saw JJ a few more times over the holiday, but he still hasn't asked me out.

Shalva and I headed down the street, past Darna, where another party was happening. Such a popular party that it spilled over onto the sidewalk.

"Hey, Yitzy," said Shalva to a tall guy we passed.

"Hi, Shalva," said Yitzy. "Hello," he said to me.

He's very tall. Seemed nice. An accountant, lives in Brooklyn. Could not determine his age -- not younger than 40, maybe closer to 50. We spoke for a while after Shalva went to wedge herself into the party and saw him a few more times over the holiday. Nothing thrilling, but nothing repulsive. He asked me my name, I spelled it (my last name is somewhat unusual). Saw him the next day, spelled my name again. He called me Sunday night.

The call was a little surreal for me, because somehow -- I suppose because we were talking about my job, which sometimes involves working with clients who have mental illness -- we ended up talking about whether a person should date someone taking psychotropic medication.

"A friend of mine was dating this girl," Yitzy said, "and it turned out she had been taking medication, but she stopped taking it for shidduch purposes."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because if it comes out that she's taking medication, it will hurt her chances of meeting other people," he said.

Gotta love Brooklyn. "What happened with your friend?" I asked.

"Well, he was worried about her behavior," Yitzy said. "He told me that one time they went into this store and she saw a pair of $1200 sunglasses. She wasn't working, and her family doesn't have money, but she really wanted to buy them."

"That's a symptom of mania," I said. "She needed to be on her medication. Many people function so well on medication, you can't even tell they have an illness."

"True," he said, "but would you date someone with that kind of problem?" Ouch.

"I think it depends on the person," I said. "If they're stable and taking care of themselves -- yes, they have an issue, but they're aware it's going to be a problem and they're taking steps to address it. Anything can happen to anyone. People get cancer. People get hit by buses. You can't predict what life is going to bring you. In this case, at least you know what you're dealing with."

"Wow, you have a really great attitude about life," he said. "Still, it's a serious problem, you know?"

"True," I said, "but there are actually a few benefits. People who have bipolar tend to have very high sex drives. I know a lot of men complain their wives aren't interested in too much intimacy. Men who marry women who have bipolar probably won't have that problem." He laughed.

I was waiting for him to pick me up after work yesterday when my friend Chassya called. "I'm going out with Yitzy Jewishberg," I told her.

"I know Yitzy!" she said. "You know he's in his fifties, right?"


"Uh... no," I said. "I knew he wasn't young, but I thought he was in his late forties."

"He's divorced, you know," she said.

"Any kids?" I asked hopefully.

"Don't think so."

The date was fine, but I delicately inquired as to his age. "I'm 43," he said. Really? I tried Googling him but couldn't find any information on him. I have the feeling he's looking for someone more religious and conventional -- when I disapproved of the prevailing Brooklyn trend of dressing your daughters aged 2 and older in black, he asked, "But don't they look happy?"

"They've learned not to let their feelings show because what would the neighbors think," I answered.

He said he'd be in touch. I'm sure he'll have some reason why we're not compatible. Which is fine. It was nice to be pursued. Again, The Rules were right: don't spend too much time getting his attention, show that you're circulating and busy, let him make the effort to secure some of your time and attention.

I'll write about the third guy, DJ, another time. Right now I have to go shower before my weekly laser knee treatment.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"