Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Am I too judgmental, or are these legit red flags?

Just heard from a guy on Supertova. According to The Rules, I should only respond to people who show interest in me, rather than chasing men who might be indifferent or averse. This is his profile:

Height: 5'9" (175 cm)
Age: 44
Marital Status: Single
Body Type: Medium/Average
Exercise: Twice a week
Politics: Moderate
Religion: Modern Orthodox
Frequency of Synagogue: Every Sabbath
Kosher: Always
Children: None
Want Children: Yes
Profession: Family Therapist
Job Title: Family Therapist
Education: Graduate Degree
Salary: 25,000-35,000
Relocate: No

He lives in Florida, so we'll call him FloriDavid. Nothing was terribly wrong about his profile, except maybe his income. I would think family therapists make at least as much as I do, even if they don't live in the most expensive city in the US. But while I was on the site he sent me an IM and we started chatting. He told me he sent me a message, so I read it:

how are you?? thanks for your message. it seems like we have some things in common. i'm david, single, never married, and 44. i live in north miami beach. i am a b'aal teshuvah - having become more observant in 1986 while studying in israel. i did my junior year at the hebrew u. in yerushalayim and also studied at aish hatorah.

i have a master's degree in mental health counseling and was working as a family therapist with teens with substance abuse and mental health issues. i currently am tutoring students in math and reading.

i enjoy tennis, swimming, walking, the beach, soft rock and Jewish music, the theater, comedy, movies, and dining out.

take care and i look forward to speaking to you soon.

He's working as a tutor? I'm a horrible person, but I'm not impressed. He asked me where I studied; I told him.

wow! very impressive! 

he wrote back. And told me where he studied: Tulane BA, and a master's from "Our Lady of the Lake." You haven't heard of it? Apparently it's a small school in San Antonio, where he is originally from. He started studying social work at Columbia -- as he put it, "did some time" there in 1989. I asked why he left.

well......long story short- ti was not working out and no offense, i'm not a big fan of nyc...  it was a very rough sem for me up there

Yeah, it's a tough town. And in 1989 NYC was a lot worse than it is now. How horrible of a person am I to think less of him for this? I'm just not interested. Is this why I'm still single, or are these legitimate red flags?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. The income would totally give me pause. The rest I could live with. No, you aren't being too judgmental in this case.

  2. Do you really believe what this man wrote? You MUST.

  3. Why don't you just ask him why he is not currently working as a therapist? What's the deal with the tutoring? (And why won't he consider relocation?)
    Maybe you will learn something about him and about what makes him tick. Something more important than his current salary, and maybe even discover that you are interested after all.
    Just a thought.

  4. I disagree with the previous comments. I think you should give it a little more time before ruling out a guy who is actually pursuing you, has common interests and hasn't shown any red flags of craziness yet (I consider an aversion to NY an asset). Do you know how difficult it is to get a decent job these days? I have my Master's degree in counseling from a very good school and I'm not working anywhere remotely near my field - because I couldn't find a job. Am I a loser? I don't think the majority of people I know would consider me one. Would guys reject me for it? I really doubt it. Yes, I think this may be exactly why you are still single.

  5. I just want to say I would not fault the guy regarding the income. Since I am in NJ and my daughter is in the same field as you...we have seen really low pay scales in family service type organizations. NYC is a much higher pay scale. You also have a higher cost of living than we do here in Southern NJ. I don't think this man was too bad!

  6. reading between the lines I suspect that he got laid off from a family therapy job and is doing tutoring to earn income in the meanwhile, which is why his current income is so low. But no, I don't think you should rule him out.

    Personally NYC wasn't for me either- I like being able to own my house, have more "nature" around me, afford to go out and do fun things cause I'm not spending 100% of my money on rent/utilities and food, like I was when I lived in NYC. And NYC in the 80s was pretty horrible- actually my parents moved out in the 80s too because everyone on their block kept getting burglarized.

    I know lots of New yorkers who never even leave the NYC area and think it's the bee's knees, and at this point I think they are pretty silly- most of the rest of the country is much nicer to live in, has friendlier people, and is definitely more affordable. You just have a higher quality of life when not living in NYC.

    Also, not to be harsh or anything, but at this point can you afford to just blow people off for minor picky things? At least give him a chance, if you meet up and don't like him then sure, but something like not liking NYC and possibly being out of work at a time when almost 10% of the country is out of work doesn't seem like a dealbreaker to me. Especially when you have some issues that may be dealbreakers for a lot of people too.

  7. I agree with Gital and Anonymous Number 2.

    Talk to him, get to know him beyond some basic details on a dating site.
    If you're still not interested after that, fine, but don't dismiss him based on his income, or the school he went to, or his dislike of a city.

  8. I'm just really apprehensive about uprooting myself to be with someone who's not entirely stable. The fact that he wouldn't tell me what happened to him in NYC made me uneasy. It's just too many strikes against him. If he lived in this area I'd definitely meet him at least, but how could I ask him to fly to NYC to visit me when I make more than he does?

  9. you know in this day and age it is alright for a woman to earn more than a man. :) If you talk more and hit it off, maybe you can take a vacation in florida. Or maybe he has other reasons to visit NY. You never know unless you try.

  10. To Anonymous: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I truly understand what you're saying. I'll be much more careful in the future.

  11. Ayelet,

    I agree with Gital and anonymous #1 said. The fact he is tutoring, in and of itself, is not a red flag. It's not a strike. It doesn't mean he's not entirely stable. I also don't think keeping a long story short on his bad semester in NYC in an email is a red flag either.

    Of course the reason why he's not working and the reason why he's being private could be strikes, but you have to get give it a try before you dismiss him. HOWEVER - I cannot imagine you uprooting, period, no matter who it is, so unless he doesn't mind coming back to NYC, that, too me, is a legit reason not to pursue. I know many ppl date long distance, but I couldn't do that.

  12. He only has one tiny picture posted on SuperTova. He has several posted on Frumster. I know this because he found me on Frumster and looked at my profile. And I looked at his. And.... NO. He is monumentally unattractive.

  13. i'd give it some more time...maybe on the phone he will be interesting and charming...the good thing about being in the same field as ur spouse...
    starting a business/private practice together :)

  14. I guess I would have given him another shot had I not seen more photos of him. I'm no longer willing to go out with men I find completely repulsive and try to let them grow on me. It never works.