Sunday, October 31, 2010

Another Persian control freak

I suggested Honestbijan call me at 11 a.m. today to chat. He called at 12:40 and 1:15. I picked up the second time.

"I didn't want to call you too early," he said. "I thought I would give you more time to sleep."

"Trust me," I said, "if I said 11 a.m., it wasn't too early." Whatever. We started talking and he told me several things. I can't recap the conversation because I'm still kind of shaken, although I do recall him telling me I have "beautiful lips," which struck me as a little inappropriate. He also lives with his elderly parents, both of whom have some form of cancer.

Finally, said he was coming to NYC in a few weeks on business.

"So why don't you call me soon before you come," I said, "and we can get together?"

"That's fine," he said, "but before then we should be talking 2 or 3 times a week. I need to get to know you over the phone."

The Rules say don't spend a lot of time on the phone -- get right to the date. I didn't tell him that, but I did say, "I think it would be better if we waited until we meet in person. I've had previous experiences where I talked a lot on the phone, and then in person things didn't go so well."

"I need to get to know a woman before I meet her in person," he said. And we went over and over that point.

"Fine," he finally said. "I am a gentleman, I will give in to your wishes. But when we meet, I will be as cold as a stone, because I will not know you."

As cold as a stone because I don't want to spend hours talking to him before we meet? How passive-aggressive is that? He reminds me of every Persian guy I went out with who wanted to own and control me. I hung up the phone and unplugged it from the wall.

I'm probably not doing a good job describing how the conversation went, largely because right now I am completely creeped out.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. honestly, has following these "rules" every gotten you any type of relationship? I don't understand why you would follow a set of rules that clearly don't work for you..and to be completely inflexible on them is even's not unreasonable for someone to want to get to know someone on the phone before meeting up, especially someone long distance. This may not be the guy for you, but not because he refuses to follow these stupid arbitrary rules that have no connection to real life or real human relationships. In real life there are no rules- it's scary, and it would be nice if there were, but there's no actual magical formula to follow that will net you a husband, you just have to follow your instincts instead of a set of rules that are doing nothing good for you. What's that AA saying- "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results"

  2. I sort of agree with AE. Rules that make sense should be followed. This rule doesn't make sense. If you're meeting someone from out of town your only choice sometimes is to talk on the phone for some "dates" until its possible to meet. The way you say he phrased his requirement is odd, but your inflexibility also seems not-appropriate for this situation. That being said, if you can't agree about a date, you don't need to bother. You don't belong with eachother.

  3. I didn't want to spend hours and hours talking to him before we met, because if I then did not find him physically attractive, it would have been a waste of my time and his. That has happened to me a number of times -- on both sides; sometimes the guy spends tons of time talking to me only to lose interest after we meet in person. Either way, one of us could get hurt.

    And for him to say, "Fine, I'll do it your way, but I'll be cold as stone" was just very disturbing. I know I didn't give a good sense of the conversation, but it made me very uncomfortable. And if you read his subsequent email to me, maybe you'll understand why.

    And "You have very beautiful lips" doesn't strike you as a weird and creepy thing to say?

  4. You were and are 100% correct. I spent hours and hours and hours on the phone with my future wife, and look how well that turned out :)

    Also, his english sucks. You deserve better.