Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Fat, illiterate, and passive-aggressive

I contacted 6 men I thought were eligible. None of them responded. Instead, I got this email:

 I liked your profile.
 Your pretty.
 Check out my profile and if it resonates with you contact me.
 Either way:
 All my best, Mensh4u

"Your pretty" doesn't bode well. So I looked at his profile:

Age: 40
Astrological Sign: Leo
Marital Status: Single
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Blue
Body Type: Heavy Set/Few Extra Pounds
Exercise: Occasional
Politics: Prefer not to say
Smoking: No
Drinking: Socially
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: Just Jewish
Frequency of Synagogue: Haven't gone in a while, but would like to start
Kosher: I just don't eat pork
Willing to make Aliyah?: Maybe
Parents are Jewish: Both of them are Jewish
Been to Israel: Not Yet
Children: None
Want Children: Yes
Profession: Self employed.
JobTitle: Self employed.
Education: Some College
Salary: Prefer not to say
Relocate: Not Yet
Biography: Biography
Perfect First Date: We'd go out for coffee. We'd have a great conversation. Then, we'd schedule a second date.

No biography. "Some" college. Vague profession. Overweight. I'm not interested. But he said "either way: all my best," so he should be a mensch if I turn him down, right?

Sorry, I do not think we are a match. Best of luck to you.

His response?

Thank you for the timely reply.
 Here's a gift:
 Here's a URL address to an interesting (singles) article that I accidentally found while web surfing: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=11721&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=676455 

I checked out the article. Its title? "Are you being too picky?"

Fat? Check. Illiterate?  Undereducated, at least. Passive-aggressive? Check. A mensch? Absolutely not. I blocked him and reported him to the site administrator:

I told this member I was not interested and he sent me a "gift": a link to an article entitled, "Are You Being Too Picky?"

Didn't think I'd hear back, but I did:

Thanks for letting me know. Yeah, I think some may handle rejection differently. I’ll keep an eye out. 

I'm now more convinced than ever that my dating life is designed to humiliate and frustrate me by alternating rejection from desirable mates with pursuit from undesirable ones.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Ayelet, why aren't you getting it? It's not them...it's you! You are being too picky! I'd be turned off too by poor grammar but there's a difference between someone who is illiterate versus making a mistake in one line of a dating profile.

    Grammar and spelling mistakes happen. People gain (and can lose) weight. Not everyone is a college graduate (I know several people who aren't who are extremely successful in their careers as well as financially). You say you are 100% interested in finding a bashert but 9 times out of 10 on this blog you seem to be discounting anyone who expresses interest in you.

    I don't know if you are aware of how you come off on this blog but it is easy to perceive you as a harsh angry judgmental person based on what you post. I don't know you *at all* but I can say that if I were to use your blog entries as a way to ascertain your personality, I would be turned off and uninterested -- I suspect however, that like these men you are casually rejecting, you are much more nuanced than some paragraphs on a blog (or a dating profile).

    There is rarely any happiness expressed on this blog. For years it has been about all of your disappointments -- school programs that don't meet your needs, faculty that is mean to you, bosses that are unfair, dating scenarios that don't work out, expectations that don't get met -- I know that blogs can present a very skewed version of who someone is and perhaps you are just being selective in what you post, but if you behave in your real life 1/4 of the way you present on your blog, I can understand why life has been hard for you. You seem to have trouble getting along with people in general. I'm not trying to be cruel, I just think you need to really take a look at yourself if you want to have a chance at happiness.

    Everyone deserves happiness, joy, and a satisfying relationship and I hope that does happen for you.

    Open your eyes to how your actions and words may be being perceived by others. Soften your heart and open yourself to new opportunities. Your time will come soon.

  2. One typo and your wall comes up? Well you might be just intuitive, more likely you are jaded and should take a break from dating, but at the moment you are picky. You barely know anything about the guy. My brother considers himself heavy but by anyone else's standards they'd call him average. This profile appears like a shlemiel but could also be a self-made millionaire. You are rejecting him based on very little info. Therefore you are picky. If you find out for sure...then you are not being picky. If you see his picture or meet someone and are repulsed by him, and can't have a conversation with him, then you know yourself. If you reject someone sight unseen based on little info, you're picky.

    However, once he calls something a gift, which is not really a gift but criticism, even if he meant well, shows he's probably not the guy for you. It was inappropriate of him but he's hurting too, and he gets his hopes up and puts his heart on the line by sending a stranger a request. You quickly shot him down and maybe his feelings got hurt and he reacted badly. BTW except for incredibly insensitive people, incredibly strong people, or incredibly spiritual people, the rest of us all feel like dating is hell. Its not "your dating life," its just dating. Daven for singles everywhere and you may see some interesting things happen for you in many ways.

  3. It might be hard to hear what Anon said, but he/she is right. For someone who is searching so hard for happiness, you seem to close off every avenue that doesn't immediately appeal to you. Being "open to life" is not just a dating profile cliche. It really means something. You should try it.

  4. Wait a minute, let's not be too harsh with Ayelet here. If there is any time it is appropriate to be "picky," it is when choosing the person to spend the rest of your life with. The person with whom you'll be sharing a bed, having babies, raising them to adulthood, experiencing the dilemmas, triumphs and sorrows of life, growing old ... When you don't eat the meal your grandmother spent all day preparing because you aren't crazy about parsley, that's picky. Not investing emotional energy in every guy who exhibits interest in you -- that is being justifiably cautious.
    But I definitely agree that dating is hell for many, many people. Not just you, Ayelet.
    Whatever happened to the guy from California? He sounded promising.

  5. I'm still communicating with the Cali guy. And I'd like to point out that I didn't reject "Mensch" based one one grammatical error. I didn't find him attractive, he didn't finish college, he didn't write anything about himself in the biography section, and he was vague about what he does for a living. Those are all red flags. His passive-aggressive stunt after I declined him kind of makes me think I was right about him.

  6. okay Ayelet: I too am a stickler for good grammar and I despise when someone writes "your" when they really mean "you're." Parenthetically, I even dislike "ur" which, of course technically isn't an error per se, but is an abbreviation which is not recognized outside of blogs et cetera. (I've seen you write "ur" before.)

    Moreover, you seem to metaphorically use the word "illiterate" as a form of hyperbole. Witty exaggeration works for me, unwitty exaggeration doesn't.

    I once heard a fabulous writer talk. He said something I would love to communicate.

  7. What did that fabulous writer say?

  8. I think the anon. comment at 10:26 on Oct. 26th missed the point that you write your blog using your "keen sense of irony"! Also, this individual has way too much time on their hands to write that long critique of your blog comments! I think we all have to have a sense of humor about dating. If you are too picky...that is your right! I agree with the posters that said the decision of whom you marry is the single most important decision of your life! Don't compromise yourself or your writing because of the criticism of others! Stay just the way YOU are!

  9. @jillsypill....I don't think it's about being ironic or snarky...the fact is, she's almost 40 and still single and all she does is complain about that on this blog but then reject every possible dating option...she worries about someone being dismissive of her because of her psychiatric diagnosis, but she scratches people off her list if they're persian or make a couple spelling mistakes...the comment was less about having some time on my hands and more about trying to get her to take a look at this from a different perspective and perhaps change her attitude!

    I don't think anyone is asking her to lower her standards out of desperation and she shouldn't "settle" but that doesn't appear to be what's going on here -- she doesn't even have one date with these men before she scratches them off her list -- for someone so interested in finding a husband that seems odd

  10. To pick or not to pick. Funny how by not picking a guy makes you picky. Wouldn't a picky person pick everyone? I don't know.
    But seriously folks, maybe picky isn't the issue here. And my point is that the issue and the word isn't being used the same way by everyone who has commented.

    Should you be "careful" about choosing a mate? Of course. But the word "picky" means to most people in reference to dating that someone is either looking for perfection, or ruling people out for insignificant reasons.

    I don't think that's what some people reacted to with Ayelet's rejection. What they reacted to was her quick rejection without investigation. Too quick to rule someone out. Sort of like being picky but not exactly the same. If you're complaining about not meeting your beshert, give people a chance and rule them out for being disgusting, don't rule them out for not going to college. That's silly until you meet them. Some wonderful and intelligent people didn't go or didn't finish college. Are they the exception? Sure, but you have no reason to reject someone because most people who didn't go to college aren't your type. Take it to the next step. Why reject without KNOWING he's not your beshert?