Friday, October 08, 2010

Maybe I'm not doing The Rules right

One concept stressed in The Rules is that you are always sweet and feminine when turning down a guy, never harsh, sarcastic, dismissive, or otherwise like Ayelet.

Jersey Jake just wrote to me:

I'm sorry we really didn't have a chance to talk that much, as yontif was so busy.
Chanan was saying we had a lot in common...

Am I not getting through to him? I am waiting for him to ask me out already! But he's hanging back. I'm not supposed to encourage him, according to The Rules. But what if I came across as dismissive or uninterested and he's not sure whether to proceed?

Ack. I'm thinking of responding:

Yes -- parties and kiddushes and onegs are fun but hectic. Not the best way to get to know somebody. 
What did Chanan say we have in common? :)

Too little? Too much? I don't know anymore.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. it's not that you're not doing them right, it's that the rules are stupid.

    Be yourself. It's the only way you will attract someone who likes YOU and not some version of you that's filtered through someone else's rules.

  2. In a world which has given us Microwave cake mixes and Frozen Macaroni and Cheese on a Stick, "The Rules" are still one of the more remarkably stupid things we have ever invented.

    Ignore them. They are utter and complete rubbish.

  3. I don't think the rules are stupid, personally, although no need to follow them to the letter. But in this case, rather than reply I would first email Chanan and ask him what gives. Maybe he can give his friend a gentle nudge, or at least pass on that this guy's behavior is counter productive.

  4. Sounds like he is interested to me but you have been too busy?

  5. I was already set up with Jersey Jake, so I didn't want to spend the whole holiday talking to him. I wanted to cultivate other possibilities. So now that the holiday's over, HE NEEDS TO ASK ME OUT!!!!!!!

  6. It's been 15 years since "The Rules" were published. Is there any research on their effectiveness? I don't mean endorsements by women who say they followed the rules and got married within the year, I mean a comparison of women who follow them with women that don't.

  7. I don't know. But I spent 18 years not doing The Rules -- including 11 months breaking all of them with JV -- and I'm still single.

  8. Does he know he's supposed to ask you out now? Because he may well have read your following of "the rules" as "she's just not that into me".

  9. He might not. Like I said, I don't think I'm doing them right. I try to seem happy and approachable, but somehow I come across as mean and irritating ;)

  10. Even if you were following "the rules" flawlessly, they would only work if the man in question was a follower.

    That's true of any cultural expectation, especially a subtle one (look at the difference between "asking" and "hinting" cultural cues).

    There is a reason multinational companies have cheat sheets on cultural cues and expectations.

  11. my theory is:

    don't try to come off as content, happy and approachable,

    try to BE content, happy and approachable- then u will be perceived as such.

    Re: ur response to him- was fine...

    ur showing interest and responding positively without sounding too aggressive

    good luck!

  12. You're right. I'm not good at looking content when I'm not happy. Another reason I shouldn't go to parties, bars, etc. I don't enjoy that kind of socializing unless I'm hypomanic.

    If I didn't scare JJ off by calling "Chanan" Chanan instead of his real name (I copied and pasted my draft email response, without changing the name -- I'm careless), I guess I'm doing okay.