Monday, October 18, 2010

Why not just tell me the truth?

So I joined, another dating website. Sent a bunch of "flirts" -- little messages indicating interest:

You just got Tova'd. Ayelet has sent you a Tova-Flirt. This means the user is interested in you and is checking to see if there's mutual interest. Please view their profile. Either Tova-Flirt back, or send a message if interested 

Got the following response from a guy with the screenname "Hmm...":

Hi Ayelet - Thanks for your message. I was recently set up with someone so am not free at the moment, but much thanks for thinking of me and hope you find your bashert soon! 

Why not just say you're not interested and you don't think it's a match? Geez.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. timetomoveon10/19/2010 4:27 AM

    Have you thought of taking a step back and having a good hard look at your situation? Frantically and desperately trying to "bag" a man is not going to get you very far. And if you still want kids, you don't have much time left. If I were in you shoes, I would look into single motherhood as a serious option. Yes, it would decrease your chances of finding a man, but at the rate you're going, you don't have much to lose. I think it's time to move on. You sound like you have a lot going for you. Make your own life. Stop obsessing about getting a guy.

    If your therapist is not giving you these messages, get a new therapist.

  2. Ouch.

    I'm not sure if you have children, but I'm inclined to think not. Children are a two-person job. I grew up with a single parent, and I could never do that deliberately to a child. Also, as a social worker, I can't really afford to have and raise a child on my own.

    But thanks for putting in your two cents.

  3. timetomoveon10/20/2010 3:20 AM

    I have 3 children and am expecting my 4th in May. Yes, I agree, children are a tremendous amount of work. Half that time I do it all on my own because my husband travels a lot. I wouldn't recommend having more than 2 tops. Maybe even 1. But why deprive yourself of that experience? Of course, I would only recommend it if you can stay on your meds. Otherwise, I don't think pregnancy would do you any good.

    As for what you can afford, I can't say for sure. It's really a matter of what you want. If you don't kids, that's fine too. Children are pretty much always affordable, depending on how you want to raise them. The first few years cost, more, but public school is free.

    I know my previous post was a bit harsh. But these posts detailing every conversation you have on these dating sites are just so sad. This isn't good for anybody, no matter what their mental health background. Develop some other interests. Travel, connect to people. Build up a great circle of friends. That's how you're going to find your bashert. I don't think trolling these sites is the answer.

  4. I just don't understand why if he's 'set up with someone'....why is he still on this site??!!! CREEPY!

  5. I'm sorry, timetomoveon, but having a husband who travels is completely different from raising children entirely alone. It's true that public school is free, but I would assume that Ayelet would like her future children to get a Jewish education, and the only way to do that in a consistent/comprehensive fashion is to send them to a Jewish school.

    Also, "trolling these sites," as you (derogatorily) write, CAN be the answer. I have lots of friends, connections, interests, and have travelled the world, yet I met my bashert online. Not everyone finds their bashert through friends or some random great way.

  6. Thanks, Anonymous -- timetomoveon was sounding very Smug Married to me too.

  7. timetomoveon10/23/2010 3:28 PM

    Call me smug, but I'm just telling you the truth. Do your life however you want, but do it. It doesn't sound like you have very many interests outside of these sites. If you do, excellent. If not, I think this is a tragic way to lead your life.

    Think about how you can make your life as happy as it can be. Whether it's a child, a different career, travel, a different city. I don't think this effort you're putting into finding a man can make any person really happy.

    Re: Anon. Yes, of course, single motherhood is not the same as having a husband who travels. I have a friend who's divorced with two small children and I would never trade places with her. But at this point in Ayelet's life she needs to make some decisions. As it stands now, she's not going to have the picture perfect Modern Orthodox life with a husband and 3 small kids in day school. She needs to make some compromises. The questions is, which compromises will really make her happy? She was willing to give up religion for JV. Maybe she'll be willing to forgo day school in order to afford children on her own? Maybe she's willing to move to a cheaper town in order to afford children on her own? All of theses options are available to her. It's a question of looking at them objectively and keeping the focus on "What will make me happiest right now?"

    The point is, Ayelet, it's time to grow up and make some hard decisions given your position and age.