Tuesday, November 02, 2010

For once, Ayelet doesn't assume the worst

On 10/20/10 I started a dialogue with a SuperTova member I'll call Max. Seems like a decent guy, 48 years old, lives in Brooklyn, divorced with a child, a project engineer. Didn't say anything about himself in the "biography" section, but he actually sent a message, not the generic "Tova-Flirt."

M: I liked your profile and believe it to be a good match. If mine appeals to you, I would like us to communicate and take this further. Hope you are having a good evening.
A: Hi Max, thanks for writing. Sure, I'd be happy to get to know you.
M: Thanks for your kind words. Do you have yahoo IM? It would be nice to chat online to get to know each other better.
A: I don't have Yahoo IM, sorry.

I would rather talk on the phone than on IM.

M: It's ok. Hope we can chat on here and get to learn more about each other.

We tried, but it didn't seem to be working.

A: Chat doesn't seem to be functioning very well tonight.
M: Can you install yahoo messenger?
A: I'd rather not install any more software, my computer runs slow enough as it is. Would you like to talk sometime?

I'm not trying to be difficult, but I honestly don't want to install Yahoo Messenger. On top of the fact that I think talking on the phone is better than IMing to get to know someone.

M: Sure i would like to talk. Would you like to call or give me a line to reach you? You seem very nice and interesting to communicate with. I will wait for your email to take this further. Hope you are having a nice weekend?

By now it's 10/22/10, Friday afternoon.

A: Weekend is off to a nice start :) My phone # is 212-xxx-xxxx. Shabbat shalom.
M: Ok, thanks for sending your number. when would be a good time to call?
A: Sunday morning
M: ok thanks. Talk to you then

Needless to say, Sunday morning came and went and I didn't hear from Max. Surprised, disappointed. According to The Rules, I should assume something (someone) else came up for him and move on. But I didn't understand what had happened, and I'm not good at coping with the unknown. Especially since I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. So I broke The Rules and contacted him again on 10/30/10:

A: never heard from you, what happened?

He wrote back this morning:

M: I did send you an email before I left for my business trip but never knew it failed. I am sorry. I have been so busy over the last days and flew from the U.S to Europe and just landed in Africa. I am sorry about the long silence. Please find it in your heart to forgive me so that we can take this further. Once again I am sorry.

That's a plausible explanation, and he does sound sorry.

A: All is forgiven ;) You're in Africa? How fascinating! You'll have to tell me about it when you get back. What kind of business are you in?

I'll keep you posted...
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. uh seriously? A "last minute" business trip to Africa? I don't think so! Bulls**t detector! Most likely if you're going to Europe and then Africa you know in advance, in which case, why would he plan on calling you during a business trip abroad (or during the busy getting ready stages of said business trip)? And the chances of a last minute business trip like this are so absurd we don't need to go there. Admittedly, you weren't "trying" to be difficult with the IM thing but maybe it got perceived that way. I say you can give him one more chance if he gets in touch with you again, but this incident should be noted.

  2. Damned if I second-guess, damned if I don't ;) I admit the business trip sounds a little fishy. I'll see how he follows up.

  3. My husband travels a lot for work, and I can tell you it is not at all unheard of to have a long-distance trip become necessary very suddenly. Besides, maybe he genuinely intended to call right before leaving, and just didn't get to it. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
    I say this guy sounds like a mentch so far, and certainly deserves a chance.

  4. I hope you're right, Gital ;) I plan to give him 100% of a chance.

  5. last minute business trip is one thing....last minute trip to africa is *very* different...while it's true that air travel from europe to africa is fairly easy (versus a 47 hour trip from the US), depending on which country he was going to within africa and how long the stay was there are vaccination requirements/recommendations, business visa's etc...seems fishy to get all of that together at the last minute, but who knows, maybe it's all true! he does sound like someone who's worth getting to know a little better...and for Gd's sake, get rid of those stupid "rules" -- i remember reading that one of the authors got divorced!

  6. She did, because her husband couldn't deal with her heightened profile after the books came out. And she got remarried. Following The Rules ;)

    I can't follow them dogmatically, but their approach is very different from what mine has been in the past. Which has obviously not worked. So why not try something different?

  7. If he's a project engineer, it's not exceptional to fly off. Lots of people fly around the world for work. They have all their vaccines, passports, etc. already.

  8. Sometimes it's helpful to share my dating life with the bloggerverse. Reality check.

  9. "A: All is forgiven ;) You're in Africa? How fascinating! You'll have to tell me about it when you get back. What kind of business are you in?"

    Ayelet: whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

    Kick him to the curb. um, now.
    1) All isn't forgiven. You expected to be called Sunday; he didn't call.
    2) You ask him if he is in Africa in your response; which, he specifically said in his message. I conclude you must doubt the veracity of this story.
    3) You ask what business he is in. I'll tell you his business, and I assure you I don't know him at all. I have no doubt Max was personally building a well for poor children to drink from so they wouldn't die of thirst while curing malaria and giving away shoes and sneakers to those in need. Max also managed to save a couple of governments from corruption and civil war all the while bringing peace to Darfur.

  10. Watch out this guy is probably a fraudster trying to take you for a ride. Most of these men work off of Yahoo Messenger because they would like to take communication off the site.

    I am 99.99% sure he is a fraudster and will never call you. If you keep communicating with him, within a few weeks he will ask you for some money.

    Mark my words.


  11. When you’re ready for something Jewish and something real, join JWed.com to meet singles who are authentically Jewish and genuinely interested in marriage. 10,000+ actively use JWed and over 1,700 have already gotten married.

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    Community Relations Manager

  12. I'm already on Jwed, Igal. I've been ignored by at least 15 men in the past 2 months. I sent them "icebreakers" or initial contact emails and didn't hear anything back.

  13. I will be extra vigilant, I. H., and I would NEVER give a man I met on a dating website anything but my phone number.

  14. My husband sometimes gets less than 24 hour notice that he has to leave the country for work. It is certainly not unheard of.

    Don't second guess or over analyze. Benefit of the doubt.

  15. Ayelet,

    Thanks for the response. Maybe I can take a look at your profile and give some recommendations? I would love to help. We also have a full-time customer service girl at your service as well.

    You can email me at igal@jwed.com if you would like.


    Community Relations Manager

  16. Okay, Igal, I will email you my profile. I would love to hear your input.