Monday, November 01, 2010

Shadchan? Shmadchan.

It's been suggested I try using a shadchan instead of dating websites. All I can say is, the experiences I've had with shadchanim have been as bad or worse as the cretins I meet online. If you've read the blog since 2008, you would have seen a number of posts about shadchans who did me wrong.

Anyway, I got a "Tova-flirt" from another guy. My gut instinct says to ignore it after reading his profile:

Age: 46
Marital Status: Single
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Hazel
Body Type: Slender
Politics: Prefer not to say
Smoking: No
Drinking: Socially

Religion: Just Jewish
Frequency of Synagogue: Sometimes
Kosher: Only at home

Children: Prefer not to say
Want Children: Yes
Education: Graduate Degree
Salary: Prefer not to say
Relocate: Yes

Biography: Biography
Perfect First Date: I will surprise you!

Why am I wary of a man who has a graduate degree? A few things.

Children: Prefer not to say

He puts his marital status as "single," which is supposed to mean never-married. Otherwise he would be "divorced." Or "separated." So how does he have children?

Biography: Biography

Could he not be bothered to say at least a few sentences about himself? If I don't have the least sense of what he is like, why should I write back to him? I don't even know what his politics are, because he prefers not to say. All I know is that he likes music, which isn't a lot.

Perfect First Date: I will surprise you!

The first date is NOT a date when you want surprises. Because they are usually unpleasant. A first date should be agreed upon in advance, because you don't know each other well enough to make plans you can assume the other will enjoy.

So I'm ignoring this one. As I should have ignored Bijan.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Honestly? This is now just bordering on ridiculous? So WHAT that he didn't fill out the rest of the information. Why not write back and see where it goes. Worst case scenario is that it goes nowhere and you're no better off than you started. For someone in the mental health field you seem to lack a lot of insight into and awareness of your own behaviors. You keep posting these messages from potential dates as if to show us all "see there really is no hope, *every* guy is loser" but then you lament your singlehood. You're a help-rejecting complainer! Every time you have a problem, commenters offer advice which you either lambast and point out how it won't work (shadchans for example, while not perfect, plenty of other people seem to have made it work), or engage in the advice and then make every attempt to sabotage it (for example, following up on a Tova flirt but then using "the rules" acting out and hanging up the phone).

    Why do you still not seem to see that the problem is you? It's NOT that you are a bad person, or are unattractive or not intelligent -- it IS about your behavior and attitude. I can't believe in the profession you're in, with all the therapy I am presuming you have had that *this* is where you are at your age.

    Please get some help. I'd recommend seeing Dr. Janice Bennet, an orthodox psychologist and dating coach on the UWS. Maybe she can help you get out of your own way.

  2. I think you should reconsider. He could be all wrong for you, or a Jerk, but then again, he might be a great guy. I don't think you can really draw any real conclusion from his profile. Yes, the last guy was a jerk, but there's no indication either way here.

    As far as the children thing goes, I would guess he's divorced and has children. Maybe women have been scared off in the past, so he's wary of listing that.

    Also, why is a graduate degree a problem?

  3. A graduate degree is an asset, Philo, which is why I'd normally reply to a profile that boasted one. And if his children have scared off women in the past, how many does he have???? And why is he listing himself as "single" rather than divorced? He's just not being straightforward.

  4. Ayelet why do you keep posting this stuff? Do you find peoples' responses helpful or hurtful to your posts?

    Go with your instincts. It's your life, no one else's.

    You are not doing anything wrong. But if you keep coming up with lemons, go out and do something else for the interim. Climb a mountain. Bake a cake. Not a long term solution but I hate to see you channeling all your energies in such futile activity. Maybe the dating pool will look better if you take a break for a bit. As it is you are at best spinning your wheels.

  5. OK, I read it too quickly and misunderstood your sentence "Why is a man who has a graduate degree a problem?". I thought you were saying it IS a problem, rather than the opposite, which, knowing you, makes much more sense.

  6. There are crappy guys and crappy shadchanim. There are always going to crappy pple making your life difficult.

    From my experience, I dated for 9 years before I found my husband through a shadchanit who was annoying when she interviewed me, but found me the guy I needed to be with.

    You are not making any headway dating online. You can keep banging your head against the keyboard and tripping yourself up with the rules, or you can try something different. What about Saw You at Sinai? That sounds like a good compromise between the anonymity of online and having a go between as a Shadchan. Actually, the shadchanit who set me up with my husband works on the site.

  7. RegularAnon, I've had bad experiences with SawyouatSinai. So have female friends of mine. One of my shadchanim dropped me from her roster when she set me up with someone and he didn't contact me. She then emailed me years later to set me up with the same guy. A friend of mine was a paying member for 6 months and did not get a single date. The site didn't give her a refund or an extension. So I'm not a fan of SYAS.

  8. Read this blog:

    And this one:

    Women who took adversity and made something beautiful out of it. It's a shame you can't do the same. I can't really feel sorry for you. You have many blessings in life and you are incapable of seeing or enjoying them. That is the real tragedy here. Whether or not this is from your illness, I have no idea. At a certain point you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. You will never attract a great guy with your attitude.

  9. Trust me, Anonymous, I would have gladly traded my life for RivkA's. I thought of that a lot when I read that she had finally died of her cancer.

  10. Life is passing you by- because u refuse to join the living. Your focus ( as least what the blog reflects) is finding a husband and you will only exist not enjoy live life build a future for yourself until u find a husband.
    Maybe your life should be lived and build for YOU. Enjoy your Friends Family Career hobbies. Set goals other then finding a husband . start living! buy a house the best aunt friend daughter coworker student teacher whatever u can be.
    Annonymous made great suggestions those website should make u grateful to be alive! Not wish u were dead...your a spectacular woman aside from your obsession .of thinking marriage is life and u need a husband to live . Maybe your path is not marriage .. So just start living.. Here's an idea co ordinate a girls weekend single married young old woman u know and enjoy- pick a location get prices activities down time - maybe some if the people in ye lifenhave never met- maybe it becomes a yearly event .
    But forget Dating!!! Lolzzz think outside the box stop obsessing - please
    Yr own mental health

  11. Your "friends" and therapist who aren't second guessing you aren't doing you any favors. And if you would rather trade your life with someone who died painfully of cancer at 42 and leaving 3 children orphaned, than you are sicker than I thought.

    From your perspective, I can see why you would want that though- having cancer would mean double or triple the attention you get now- doctors, nurses, family and friends hovering around you, JV rushing back for a last goodbye.

    I can see why they say there's no real cure or effective treatment of NPD.

  12. Guess what, Anonymous? You're a f*cking moron.

    I'm going to assume that you haven't read this:

    Which is a shame, because if you had, you'd know that the approach you're taking is hurtful and counter-productive.

    Ayelet is not dumb. Ayelet is not delusional. Her outlook is based solely on empirical data and painful experience. Walk a mile - never mind - a city block - in her shoes and then see if you can play armchair quarterback to her very real struggle.

    Does Ayelet sometimes need guidance or a sounding board? Sure. But she doesn't need browbeating and condescension. You're not helping.

    If you can't see past your own prejudice and anger and recognize that Ayelet is actually a hero, and struggling against an illness that G0d forbid any of us from knowing, you're the sick one.