Tuesday, December 28, 2010

CY becomes a man of action

Well, not exactly. But he did make more of an effort today than the past week. First he sent me an email:

I will be coming to the party on Saturday night.

I wrote back:

OK -- I'll see you there.

I'm not going to the party with him. There might be other eligible men there for me to meet.

A few minutes later CY sent me an IM:

CY,6:56pm: I signed up for the party.

Ayelet, 6:56pm: OK

CY, 6:56pm: I will be attending. Also, I put into my planner that we are going on a date on Sunday at 12.

He wants to make sure that I know he is indeed still interested.

A, 6:57pm: Yes. What do you want to do?

CY, 6:57pm: I am still thinking. How about the Central Park Zoo?

A, 6:57pm: you're joking, right?

He must be. It snowed a ton this weekend, and NYC is blanketed. Also, it's cold outside. But he's the rugged outdoorsy type.

CY, 6:57pm: no. What would you like to do?

A, 6:58pm: it's cold and snowy outside; I don't think a zoo is our best bet

CY, 6:58pm: okay something indoors

We all know I'm not going to suggest going to my place, having lunch, and making out.

A, 6:58pm: also, I definitely think you should take the subway in

He had trouble getting parking last time, and it's exponentially worse now.

CY, 6:58pm: yes good idea

A, 6:58pm: well, we could go out to brunch, or we could go to the Museum of Natural History

CY, 6:59pm: Museum of Natural History sounds good.

Don't expect me to feed you afterward, CY.

A, 6:59pm: OK, so we'll go there at noon

CY, 6:59pm: I will meet you at your apartment okay?

A, 6:59pm: OK
gtg, I have a client
have a good night

CY, 7:01pm: okay good luck. Good night.

My client didn't show, probably because of the weather, so I'm blogging instead.

I also had an interesting email exchange with a married Facebook friend I'll call Netanel.

Stop going out with CY. He's not going to marry you. You want to get married. Even though you may have fun and do whatever together, he's 12 years younger than you and he's not going to marry you. Don't go out with him unless it's pure yazizut and even then it will take time and emotional energy so forget him. You are a woman so go out with men your own age who at least show signs of wanting to commit and being normal human beings and you will be married within a year.

One thing to clear up immediately was the real age difference.

He's 7 years younger. Does that make a difference? The other kid was 12 years younger. I really WANT to go out with men my own age but I can't seem to find any who are "normal human beings showing signs of wanting to commit." If it were really that easy, I would have been married already.

He wrote back and didn't pull any punches:

do you honestly think he's going to marry you? if there's a legitimate chance, then keep at it, but without knowing either of you and based just on the math i say the odds are low. don't play a game you can't win. i type this with one hand as i feed my newborn

it's not easy but you have to just go out with guys and not reject them on shtuyot. high school is over. a bunch of the men you blogged about seemed nice but were 45 or poor. you have to go out with people you have a chance of marrying.

look, my wife's an amateur shadhanit and always has good advice. she's swamped with the baby but maybe in like a month you two can speak by skype or something. 
I don't think that's entirely true. I would hope I don't reject men based on trivialities. Most of them were more than 5 years my senior or seriously repulsive or annoying. But I'll gladly talk to a matchmaker.

From what I've overheard her speaking on the phone to her single friends, her main piece of advice is to physically go to events where they'll meet guys, and actually talk to them.

And CY is not going to marry you barring some miracle so forget him and use the time to go out with other guys. The only case I know of where that age difference led to marriage was where the guy totally pursued the woman which isn't the case here. You're 40 so don't waste time.

It's just not that simple. I do go to events, and I do try to talk to men. I realize Netanel is trying to be helpful, but he's kind of barreling over my feelings here. But -- he's offering to help, which I should and do appreciate.

I try to do that. Honestly I do. And CY was pursuing me up till last week. I'm going out with him again on Sunday, because I have no other plans, but I'm also going to a party Saturday night and not planning to hang out with him at it if he shows up.

I guess we'll see.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I'm also going to a party Saturday night and not planning to hang out with him at it if he shows up.

    It's been a long time since I was dating, but I can assure you, if I had a date with someone on Sunday, and we were both at the same event on Saturday, and she was not spending time with me, but rather chatting up other men...

    I would no longer have a date on Sunday.

    At least not with her.

  2. I'm not going to ignore him completely, but I'm not going to spend the entire party glued to his side.

  3. lol: "I'm not going to ignore him completely, ..."

    That's sweet Ayelet. You don't plan on ignoring CY wholesale and altogether at the party.

    My advise: either cancel the date on Sunday, part ways, or give him plenty of attention on the party on Saturday night.

    I understand your logic. The party is a place for you to meet new romantic prospects. CY is a dwindling prospect; but you'll hold on to CY because you've no plans for Sunday anyway. Smart.

  4. You have been throwing off tons of mixed signals on this (just reading in the blog).

    If you throw more off at the party (and even your revised plan involves that), it's over anyway.

  5. How have I been throwing off mixed signals? I showed him that I liked him, and he ran away for a week. I need to back off a little.

  6. did you try to contact him at all during that week? If not, then he's not the only one who ran away for a week...I notice after you contacted him he was all for going out again. He might think you are not so interested, and that he was always the one initiating everything, and was waiting to hear from you as a sign to see that you were still interested. Or he might just not be that interested in you. Who knows.

    But I agree that if I went on 3 dates with someone and then went to a party with them and they spent the whole time chatting up other people, then I would assume they had very little interest in me. Regardless of gender. In fact I went to a party like that with a guy once, and he spend the whole time chatting up other ladies, and I broke up with him a couple days later because of it.

  7. The "when is your brother expecting you back" question could very easily come across as a "don't you need to leave, I want you to leave" -- especially if he isn't all that confident around women.

    And your parenthetical comments in this post, if they came across at all in the conversation to him, would have a similar effect.

    "I need to back off a little" comes across as mixed signals. Consistency is better.

  8. I commented on a few of his status updates on Sunday. But then I didn't hear anything from him. This was in contrast to his behavior after the first 2 dates, when he emailed me minutes after dropping me off to say we had to get together again. So it seemed like a step back on his part.

    And for cryin' out loud, I'm not going to IGNORE him during the party. But I'm not going to talk only to him. And I think that's normal. It would be weird if we spent the entire party not talking to anyone but each other.

  9. You need to treat the party as a Date with CY. An activity you are doing as a couple.

    Treating it as a chance to look for new prospects is just a bad idea.

  10. maybe he was second guessing himself and his instant emailing of you on the first 2 dates and thought he was coming on too strong. :)