Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A friend's advice. Should I take it?

I'm less and less comfortable talking about the ins and outs of my relationship with CY. Especially the physical stuff, since I've learned he has a lot less experience than I do. I'm not entirely surprised, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable. Doesn't seem to bother him. I told him I would let him set the pace of what we do, which is fine, but I also find myself telling him what I like or what to do at the stage we're at.

This is kind of a pattern. He's not smooth, so he's not good at anticipating what I want and giving it to me. But I'll give him credit -- if I ask for what I want, he will give it to me.

Last night we met up with friends at a pizza place to play Connect Four. I got there before he did and had something to eat. When he got there he didn't eat anything -- had a big lunch that day, apparently. But he didn't offer to get me anything. I know I shouldn't let this bother me, it's stupid, and if I had asked him, he probably would have gotten me a drink or something. But I wanted him to ask.

After the gaming we walked back to my apartment to hang out. I was craving chocolate.

"I want cookies," I said. "Should we get some cookies?"

"Sure!" said CY. We went to the grocery store. I picked them out. He paid. Then we went to my apartment and got busy. So we didn't actually have any of the cookies. I said he should take them home, but he told me to keep them for later. They were good, too -- chewy chocolate-chocolate-chip from Pepperidge Farms.

Today I got an email from a FB friend, Yoav:

He's not going to marry you. Stop wasting your time with him.

Yoav has given me good advice in the past, so I didn't want to discount what he said entirely.

How do you know?

I asked.

Cause it's not going to happen. Or to make you happy, the odds are very seriously stacked against it. You want to get married.

My own gloss, based on nothing: He's socially awkward, so he's happy to be getting some but doesn't intend to marry you unless he's so awkward that he has no idea what he's doing. And if that's the case you don't want to marry him. He has more time than you. If you want to get married and have kids find someone else.

I wonder if Yoav is right. Am I trying too hard to make this work? Is CY just not a realistic candidate? Am I wasting my time?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. From a lot of your posts you seem to have this impression that relationships in real life are supposed to be like romantic comedies.

    What does this line mean:

    "This is kind of a pattern. He's not smooth, so he's not good at anticipating what I want and giving it to me. But I'll give him credit -- if I ask for what I want, he will give it to me."

    Why is he under any obligation to mind read what you want? I've been married for ten years and I still have to tell my husband what I need. All relationships require constant communication. That's the bulk of the work, and it's a lot of work. A boyfriend or husband isn't Brad Pitt who's going to swoop in and suddenly provide for your every whim just by "anticipating" them.

    Is he not acting as romantic as you would like? As solicitous as you would like? I guess those are valid concerns. Not anticipating your needs? That's a fantasy request that you'll never get from any man and surefire way to sabotage any relationship.

    As for whether he's a candidate or not: I really don't think it's fair to dismiss someone because they're socially awkward unless you have your heart set on marrying a hipster or a politician. I don't think you can settle the question of whether you are going to marry him or not. You have to see whether you can build a meaningful relationship or not. That still seems to be up in the air. Can you be fully honest with each other? Have you told him of your mental illness? Can he handle it? Those are major questions left to be answered. Social awkwardness is pretty low down in the issue totem pole at this point.

  2. I think you should take Yoav's advice under consideration.

    Something about CY has been bothering me for a while- from your descriptions and the way you relate conversations with him, he seems socially awkward, yes- but in a way that makes me wonder if he's actually somewhere "on the spectrum", if you catch my drift. he seems to miss social cues entirely, and to operate in an almost binary way. Doesn't make him a bad person, of course, but it should make you ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to be with for the rest of your life. After the dopamine rush of the new relationship abates, are you going to be annoyed and frustrated by him?

    And Yoav does have a point about him having more time. Given his MO of not detecting subtle, or even not-so-subtle cues, I can forsee a situation where he doesn't even think of marriage until you bring it up and push the issue- and do you really want to have to do that?

    I'm not suggesting you break up with CY, or do anything right now. Just observe with open eyes as things move forward, and you may also want to leave yourself open to exploring dating others.

  3. i don't think having to tell a person what you want= he isn't going to marry you? Or am I missing something here? It's perfectly reasonable, if not normal, to have to tell a dude what you want- many people (men and women) are totally clueless, and nobody can read minds as far as I can tell.

    I just don't get what this facebook guy is basing this on? A hunch? does he know CY?

    From what I've heard he seems like a viable prospect...how long have you been dating him? If it's been more than a month or so it's perfectly reasonable to have the "where do you see this relationship going" conversation, not in a "OMG why haven't you proposed yet" kinda way, but in a "hey, just wondering if you are just in this for fun or if you see this going somewhere more serious" kinda way.

    Did you ever watch sex and the city? In the last season Carrie has a similar conversation with this russian dude she is dating I think.

  4. Part of me is wondering whether he's "on the spectrum," NJG. Too soon to tell. But CA and AE are right. Life doesn't imitate Hollywood. Only thing I can do is give it more time.