Thursday, January 20, 2011

Trying to maintain morale

I'm feeling ashamed about losing my job, again, because I couldn't control my behavior, again. I hope this mindfulness-based therapy has some effect. Friends have been coming out of the woodwork to offer support and asking me to send my résumé. I know unemployment won't be contested. Still, it's terrifying to think about COBRA payments plus rent plus groceries.

I've gotten through this before. At the worst, I can borrow from my tax-deferred annuity. I won't be homeless, I won't starve. And I honestly wasn't looking forward to going back to the original work site. But I'm still ashamed that I'm 40 years old and I can't control myself.

I also think my relationship with CY has jumped the shark. He's not nearly as attentive between dates as he used to be, instead of stepping up to support me after my layoff. His social awkwardness is also starting to make me wonder if he, as NJG has suggested, is "on the spectrum." As in the autism spectrum.

What made me think of him as a viable marriage candidate? Because he was kind and attracted to me. That's obviously not enough.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Its totally normal and natural for you to be embarrassed about not controlling your behavior.

    That's the sign that you are above that behavior. Some people don't control themselves and justify it.

    And we ALL have trouble from time to time controlling different types of behavior.

    The true test of a person's character is not if they can control themselves 24/7 but what they do afterwards.

    As it says, "A tzaddik (tzedaikes) falls seven times, and gets back up."

    "There's not tzaddik (tzedaikes)on earth that hasn't sinned."

    Avraham, Sara, Moses, Miriam, King David, all had events in their lives that they said, "I wish I could have controlled myself."

    But they did teshuva and went on. Continuing to be great people.