Friday, May 20, 2011

A dream is a wish your heart makes

Last night I dreamed I got engaged and went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting with my fiancé, a friend from high school whom I'd gotten together with. Not necessarily in that order. And in real life this would be impossible, because he's already married. We never dated in high school, and we aren't particularly close now. But in the dream I sought him out because I thought I'd be able to get him to marry me.

First the OA meeting. I went with him and sat down in the basement, where rows of chairs were set up. But nobody got up and spoke. Instead, everyone was writing something down, which they were going read out later. Maybe. I wasn't sure. It wasn't what I expected or hoped, so we left. We were both carrying bouquets of flowers -- maybe we were going to visit his uncle's grave later -- but mine wilted.

The engagement. He didn't give me a diamond ring. He gave me a ring I already owned; I had asked him to do this, when he was ready to ask me. It was silver with a large kind of sparkly clear crystal on it. I think I wore it on my right hand, which is odd. And I was disappointed that nobody noticed the ring or congratulated us. We met a number of people he knew, but he didn't introduce me as his fiancée. I was disappointed.

Not sure what all this means. Maybe that going to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting will ultimately disappoint me, since no matter what my mother's boyfriend did back in the day, my life now is ultimately my responsibility. As is the fact that I ruined so many potential relationships, and thus my life, because I feel it's now too late for me to find real love in the population I think I'm supposed to belong to.

Maybe that I place more value on getting engaged than anyone else does -- nobody else cares whether I do or not. That I want so badly to get engaged that I'll even get together with someone I'm not very into, who's not secure financially and can't afford to buy me a ring. (Although even during the dream I kind of wondered why I was doing that.) And that I feel the ball is entirely in his court -- I have no say in the matter.

I was happy in the dream. I got engaged, I made myself happy. But I was also disappointed. Is that the message? That you need to take what happiness you can find, and cope with the disappointing rest of it? Or that getting engaged won't make me as happy as I think it will?

1 comment:

  1. if you are not in Love--if you have not found the person-Why on earth would you want to get engaged or married. Seems people need to Live Life and then if they find someone they want to marry--then they do it!Is a persons happiness based on marriage? i think not because I see many many people not happy and married. PS based on your posts I don't think the man you will be interested in -is going to be overweight-- or did this fellow (in the dream) go with you just for support?