Friday, July 15, 2011

Ayelet dreams of underachieving.

Last night I had a very common anxiety dream -- minus the anxiety.

I dreamed I was in college, it was almost the end of the term, and I was behind in all my classes. Hundreds of pages behind in English and History; waking up too late to get to class; trying to do five mini-reports on fruit, using forms that had to be signed by Deepak Chopra. I messed up the forms, so I got some blank ones and filled them in and stapled them to the pages signed by Dr. Chopra. No idea why he need to sign off on mini-reports about fruit; I chose the topic of fruit because I knew I could finish the assignment quickly on that topic.

And I didn't care. "So what if I get a few B's?" I thought. "I'm not going to grad school anyway."

This is very unlike me. Every other time I've had this dream, I've been almost frantic about being so behind, and unable to understand how I let things deteriorate that badly. I've interpreted that as me being frustrated about how behind I am in real life: No husband, no kids, no house. Right now, no job. But last night I wasn't anxious at all -- and I even had a job interview this morning. (Which I think went well, but I don't think I want the job. Too much responsibility and stress for not nearly enough money.)

Is my attempt to practice the law of attraction -- to believe that good things will come to me if I stay positive -- affecting me subconsciously as well as consciously?

Part of me is very skeptical about the law of attraction. My father was convinced he would beat his cancer. A very optimistic person all his life -- almost literally to the day he died. And obviously it didn't work.

But thinking optimistically is a lot more pleasant than being depressed. So for now, I'm going to keep trying. It doesn't hurt that I just scheduled two more job interviews for next week. Not the ones I'd really hoped for -- but still.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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