Saturday, July 30, 2011

I don't want to have to lie

Yesterday (Friday) I was waiting to hear about 3 jobs. Two had led to follow-up HR interviews, and the other just sounded very promising. Two were offering fairly paltry compensation, one an excellent salary and staggering benefits (union position). The paltry agencies didn't contact me -- I wasn't too surprised; I wanted a good chunk more than they were planning to offer -- but the HR rep from the princely agency sent this:

Hi Ayelet -- We’re all set on our end and I would like to speak with you about moving forward. I just left a message on your voicemail. Please call me back; I will be in the office until 1pm today. If we cannot connect today, let’s talk first thing on Monday.

So: YAY! But wait: moving forward means they check my references, I go for a physical, and they drug test my urine. I'm not nervous about the drug test, since I don't need opiate painkillers these days and I don't even drink. But during the physical they're going to ask if I take any medication. If I tell them I have bipolar disorder, they're going to want to know if I've been hospitalized. And thanks to Ivan the Terrible and the assholes at my former job, I was hospitalized just over a year ago.

What do I tell them? Anything? Do I leave out the medication I'm taking and the psychiatric hospitalizations? If they find out later that I lied on my physical, I could be fired. But if I tell them, I might not get hired.

Which leads me to my next dilemma: references. I know the people whose names I gave like me and respect me. But I think I need to get our story straight. I've been telling interviewers that I was laid off due to budget cuts since my caseload dried up. Which is partly true. In the email killing my program, the executive director said that they want me to focus on probation cases since they were going to work on expanding the drug treatment court program. Last November, Brooklyn probation officers stopped counting marijuana positives as a reason for referral to treatment. So our probation referrals went from ~5/week to ~1-2/month.

All of that is true, but it's not really why I was fired, of course. So I need to make sure that the assistant clinical director, who is still on my side and giving me good references, is on my page.

As for the situation with me realizing that my mother's dirtbag boyfriend corrupted my innocence and put me on a very dangerous path -- my mother doesn't care. She sent me a letter saying she was coming into town and wanted to see me. I called her at my sister's.

"Do you know that if I had told any of the teachers in school about the porn at home, you and the dirtbag would both have been arrested?"

"I guess I was foolish," she said. "I'm sorry."

I told her I want her to kick him out of her house and stop spending money on him. She said, "You can't control me." So for now I'm cutting her off completely. No phone calls, no letters, no emails, and I blocked her on both of my FB identities. Of course, she reads this blog, but if I decide to restrict it again, she definitely won't be on the list of designated readers.

I want to say horrible things to her. Like, "I wish you had died instead of Daddy, because he never would have let anyone like that stupid piece of shit bring that kind of filth into our house. He would never have been so selfish as to choose someone who would encourage me to experiment with lesbianism and drugs and group sex. When you're old and sick, I will not lift a finger to take care of you. I don't care if you fester and die of bedsores."

Which is pretty much how I feel about my sister. Who takes every chance she can to put me down, and yet somehow I always believe her when she makes yet another promise that she doesn't bother to keep. I don't know how I'm going to honor my promises to Shira and Malka. I'm supposed to take them out for their birthdays. Since I don't have a car, I'll have to coordinate with Jerusha. A conversation I don't want to have. I haven't spoken to her since she called me on my birthday and I told her I thought she was someone else -- someone I actually wanted to talk to.

What kind of man would want a woman like me, who despises her own mother and sister? My life is a mess. I'm supposed to be radiating positivity to attract love into my life. Right now I'm just spewing venom. I don't know how to turn this around.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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