Saturday, August 06, 2011

Only but so much I can do in a day

I had such ambitious plans. Lunchtime potluck in the park. Late afternoon games and snacks at a friend's apartment. A comedy performance tonight. But after lunch, I went home and couldn't leave.

The potluck was lovely, very low-key. My good friend ET was there, and reassured me that I'm still incredibly hot.

"Do I look like I've gained weight?" I asked.

ET is very literal. "Stand up," he said. I stood. He surveyed me with a critical eye. "You're wearing a very loose dress," he mused, "so it's difficult to determine. Your waist looks the same, but the rest of the dress is very flowy, so I can't really tell about this area," he continued, waving his hand to indicate my hips and thighs. "Also, it's not black." I was wearing a beautiful floral dress. I like bright colors, and patterns are good to conceal bulges.

"It's not black?" I asked.

"Most people wear black when they're trying to look thinner," ET said. "I know that when I'm up to 160 from 152 I like to wear black."

"It doesn't work, though," I said. "Look at her." I pointed at a girl I really don't like, who was squeezed into a black top like a lumpy sausage, perhaps one made by someone missing a few fingers.

"Yeah, some girls at this picnic are fat," said ET, "but you're definitely not. Could you lose a few pounds? Maybe, but you don't need to." There's a reason I keep him around.

I also hung out with a very sweet acquaintance, Liora. I haven't really spoken to her very much over the years, but she reads my Facebook status updates, so she's pretty current on my life. She called me "a raven-haired beauty," which I thought was adorable. She also, in the nicest possible way, advised me to touch up my roots more frequently so that my hair will look as young as my "flawless skin" (again, her words -- I really need a facial, because I packed on pounds of coverup). So I think she's a keeper.

I hung out with some other cool friends as well and learned that New Zealand is much more beautiful than Australia. I heard this from an Australian, so I'm inclined to trust. There weren't any interesting guys there -- I called them losers, ET was more charitable and labeled them weirdos. Then I went home and thought I'd wash up a bit and go to the late afternoon party. But I got nervous. Anxious. Didn't want to go.

"That's fine," I thought. "I'll relax for a while and then go to the Village to meet my friends for the comedy event." But here I am, frozen at home. I don't want to get dressed and go on the subway by myself. Even though I'm sure I'd enjoy the event -- even though it's free and people are expecting me. I just can't go.

I know I need to get out there and meet people and have fun, not sit at home alone all the time. But even now, when I'm feeling better and I'm almost employed, I'm anxious, and being around people is still very draining. Could be because I'm still not officially employed and I'm nervous that my references won't come through for me. One of them was leery of being labeled my supervisor because I never reported to him directly, even though he's the assistant clinical director and I did seek him out for guidance numerous times. The other is just difficult to contact, because she doesn't answer email or phone messages. I don't want to stalk her, but I do need her to email in her recommendation before next Friday. I also don't know if my urine will test positive for Vitamin K, although since I showed my prescription to the doctor yesterday, it shouldn't really matter. But I'm unsettled, and that leaves me anxious and loath to go hang out with people. I'd have to wear the mask, and that in itself exhausts me.

I worry that I'm getting worse as I get older. Because there was nothing stressful about the picnic -- but apparently it's all I could accomplish today.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. tsk tsk Ayelet. I know when just talking between friends (or blogging) it can be entertaining to dismiss people this way, but it comes off a bit as your defense mechanism. You should take your cues from your friends and be a bit more charitable in your views of other people. Many people, particularly older singles, can seem to be "odd ducks" before one really gets to know them -- and you're probably no exception.

  2. But Foreign Man, the freelance engineer, does sound like a loser. LOL