Friday, August 26, 2011

Will I feel some closure now?

Today as I raced home from work and worried about how I'd stock up for the hurricane in case all the supermarkets were picked clean, I fantasized that Ivan the Terrible would call me with concerns for my safety. I thought about what I'd say to him if he did. And I decided to engage in the therapeutic exercise of  writing him a letter I won't send, in hopes that it would purge me of some of my lingering anger and bitterness.

Ivan, I know your mother thinks I’m a defective burden, but I took care of myself for 40 years before you came back into my life, and after you left I went right back to taking care of myself. I never would have been hospitalized again if you hadn’t been such a craven coward. After they closed my program, I needed you. I deserved your support, and you abandoned me. Even after you talked to Joey and he reassured you that Malchick 1’s reaction was normal. Now I have to go through life with two hospitalizations on my record instead of one. 

You said you’d never seen M1 bury his face in a cushion and refuse to speak, which he did after you broached the topic of us getting married. But I saw that happen a few weeks after my hospitalization, when you had to take him to speech therapy and he didn’t want to go. What else were you lying to me about? 

I know that you didn’t suddenly decide you had to dump me because you suddenly realized you didn’t want to be married. I know your parents sat you down, gave you that lie, and sent you over to break up with me. But I didn’t fight it. Because if you didn’t want to be with me, I didn’t want to be with you. 

You deserve all the misery I caused in your life by breaking up with you in college, and for all those years you were wretchedly in love with me. You deserve all the misery Mara caused you during your marriage, divorce, and thereafter. You’re damn lucky I don’t team up with her to make your life truly unendurable. That is what you deserve. But the kids don’t deserve the ramifications, and for all your many failings, you’re probably a better parent than Mara. 

You’re still a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend/life partner, and I truly hope that means you never find anyone else to be happy with. Because nobody else could make you as happy as I could have. 

You didn’t need to tell me in person why you couldn’t be my friend with benefits. I should never have let you into my apartment that night. And you still have my lawn chair and my George Foreman Grill, you cowardly asshole. 

I don’t hope you dance. I don’t wish you love. I hope you're stuck in that job you hate for decades. I believe you deserve to be miserable and lonely for the rest of your life. And I truly hope you will be -- Ayelet 

Have to say, I don't feel much better.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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