Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Up and down, precipitously

Work today was very busy. I don't know why I ever thought that the patients at my last job -- mostly on parole from state prison -- would be inherently more interesting than the patients at my current job. I don't think it's a confidentiality violation to say that today one of our patients came to get medicated without any pants on. Heroin users are fascinating.

So I was busy and happy all day. I didn't have to tell the guy to put his pants on; that fell to CM the clinic manager. But I was occupied with various tasks and really enjoyed being busy and thinking hard. Thinking is a big part of my job. Thinking and coming up with solutions. And at various points, I was able to stop (metaphorically, not physically) and realize I was happy.

But on the subway ride home I was miserable. Thinking about the upcoming holiday and how I don't want to be a single person at family tables. I felt some painful twinges around my left ovary and started worrying that my fibroids have spread from my uterus and that now I have ovarian cancer. And the worst thing about that wouldn't be dying. It would be losing the chance to have children.

I don't know how I skyrocketed from near-euphoria to planning my death. But I'm wondering if it's related to the hard candy I had earlier in the day. CM keeps a big bowl of candy in her office, and I'm in and out of her office frequently, so occasionally I dip in. I had a healthy lunch, but I'm wondering if I'm so sensitive to sugar that it could affect my mood that dramatically. Or if it was just me feeling happy when I was busy and needed, and sad when I was alone and ignored.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

4 comments:

  1. ovary pain + sudden mood shift= you probably ovulated?

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  2. I've never associated ovulation with mood shifts. But yeah, maybe that was what happened, and that's probably a good sign. If I'm ovulating, I might still have some ova!

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  3. I don't know that twinges around your ovary are a sign of cancer. AE's guess seems more reasonable. Sugar letdown and fatigue sound rational too. Hope you have a restorative holiday and a happy and sweet new year!

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  4. well if you ovulated yesterday you'll get your period 12-13 days from now, so you'll know. :) It's called "mittleschmerz" a few of my friends get it.

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