Sunday, October 23, 2011

Letter from my aunt

I didn't celebrate Simchat Torah this year. I stayed in my apartment. I just couldn't face the crowds and the inevitable memories of disappointments from past years. I couldn't do it.

I woke up this morning to an email from my aunt:

Dear Ayelet, 

Now that the holidays are over and we prayed to forgive and be forgiven by people and God and now that you have a job that you love - I ask you as now the oldest member of the family to please accept Jerusha's invitation and go to see your nieces and nephew whom you love so much and especially to see your mother who loves you very much. I hope you accept my "Bakasha" (what is it in English?) and go to see them. Shana Tova. With love, Aunt Luba 

I am tired of always being the one to forgive my sister, and as far as my mother goes, I don't know if I can. I'm sure my mother didn't tell Aunt Luba why I imposed silence on her, but I'm not holding back.

Luba, I'm willing to bet that my mother hasn't told you why I'm not speaking to her. It's because when I was a teenager, her live-in boyfriend brought large quantities of pornography into the house and engaged me in sexual discussions that were at the very least inappropriate and more likely sexually abusive. Because of this, my sexual development was warped. I spent my late teens/twenties/thirties in promiscuity, even though I tried to be "frum" (probably in reaction to the filth I was exposed to). At this point, I have wasted my life. I wasted any opportunity to have a real relationship or get married by sexualizing all opportunities prematurely. As a result, I am alone at age 41 and I will most likely die alone in this crummy little apartment. Meanwhile, the pervert who sexually abused me has a comfortable life subsidized by my mother. 

As for Jerusha, she consistently mocks and belittles me. That is toxic behavior, and I'm tired of it. She also makes promises and then breaks them without consideration for the consequences. When she "promised" to pay for my gym membership and personal training, and then only paid for part of it, I was pushed into a bad situation that led to serious injury, years of pain, and thousands of dollars in expense. Therefore, I need to limit my time with her as well. 

Just because you are the oldest member of this family doesn't mean you can make things right. And I am tired of forgiving my sister only to have her re-engage in the abusive and toxic behavior. I miss my nieces and nephew, but I also can't take any more of her abuse. 

Wonder how she'll respond. Probably with more pleas for me to forgive the unforgivable. I've spent too many years doing that. I can't do it anymore.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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