Saturday, October 01, 2011

My husband's ten key qualities

This Rosh Hashana I didn't sit at home alone for three straight days. I got out on two of the days and had lunch with Alona and her family. Baby Baruch is now 3. He and Batya get me.

"I just had a green Laffy Taffy," Batya informed me as I arrived on the second day.

"Yum!" I said. "That's like my second favorite flavor. I like green and purple."

"I thought yellow was your favorite," said Batya. Amazing what kids remember. I do especially love banana Laffy Taffy.

I had brought them Turkish Delight and Turkish Taffy. I thought it might be a segula for a rapprochement between Israel and Turkey. I also wanted to bring them a new candy, kind of like the new fruit you're supposed to eat. But then I felt a tug on my leg. Looking down, I saw Baruch holding out a small yellow object. He gave me a piece of his banana Laffy Taffy. When a child voluntarily gives you his candy, you know he likes you.

Batya and I also played an endless game of "What If." Batya invented the game on our way to Tashlich in Riverside Park. Basically, it involves one person coming up with an extremely improbably scenario -- "What if Superman became bad and he grabbed you and flew away with you?" -- and then the other person has to come up with a solution. Such as, "I would call you, Ayelet." It must be fairly addictive, because Batya tried to block me from leaving their apartment on the second day. I really am good with other people's children.

I miss my sister's children. I don't know how to spend time with them and avoid her. But I'm really sick of her. She belittles me in front of other people. Routinely. That's not cool, and I've told her that's not cool, but she doesn't stop. I don't know how to negotiate this divide.

I didn't go to services, because I don't think I know how to pray anymore. But I did think about my life. I'm not wishing to die if I have to spend another year single, as I did last year. But I do wonder when and if I'm going to actually be happy with my life.

When I wasn't thinking, I was watching TV on the computer and checking email. And I got one interesting email from eHarmony called, "Our Top 10 Dating Tips for Women." Well, they've only gotten me one actual person to date, but maybe they have some good advice. So I read them. Especially #1:

We love the idea of writing down all of the qualities you are looking for - and releasing it to the universe! Knowing what you want is a powerful thing, as is making sure your list gets narrowed down to about ten key qualities (Yes, a list of 153 is too long ladies!). 

What better way to release a list to the universe than to blog about it?

1. Intelligent 
2. Attractive to me 
3. Respectful 
4. Adoring 
5. Hardworking 
6. Easygoing 
7. Practicing Jew 
8. Open-minded 
9. Good company 
10. Within 6-7 years of my age

Those aren't in any particular order, just the order in which I thought of them. So here they are, Universe. If you don't mind, I'd like to meet him sooner rather than later.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Why is "Practicing Jew" on your Top Ten list when you yourself don't even go to synagogue on the High Holidays? And don't you realize that if this quality were on your ideal guy's list, you would automatically be excluded?

  2. I guess it's the ideal to which I aspire. I don't mind going to shul with someone, I just hate going by myself, and I'm too sick of going by myself to do that anymore.

  3. Sounds like you aspire to achieving #9 and #8, too?

    What's more, if you had been seeing a guy who met your requirements and he asked you how/where you spent the High Holidays, you'd probably have to lie to him.
    Then again, honesty didn't make your list, so that wouldn't be so bad, huh?

    Undoubtedly you have single friends you can rely on for mutual support when going to synagogue in the big city so you don't feel so alone. Staying home watching TV and checking e-mail is certainly easier than going to synagogue but only amounts to a diversion and avoidance.

    I think the holiday teaches us not to just to examine and review our own behavior that may have hurt others and ourselves, but to learn to forgive others who have wronged us (or whom we perceive to have wronged us)-- even if they haven't been thoughtful enough to ask for that forgiveness -- repair the damage, and move forward. Perhaps if you could again be open to praying in the company of a community synagogue and to hearing words from an inspiring spiritual leader, you could get to that place.

  4. I'm already good company, so I'm not sure why you would say I aspire to being that. Probably I could be a bit more open-minded. If someone asked me how I spent Rosh Hashana, I'd say I was with friends. That is the truth.

    As for the rest of your questions/accusations, I'm just blogging about what I feel up to and what I don't right now. I recognize that I'm guilty of some avoidance, but I'm on all day at work -- I can't afford to appear impaired there. When I'm off work, I need to avoid stress. And going to shul alone, even with friends, is stressful right now. I'm doing the best I can, and trying to forgive myself for not doing better.

  5. sorry -- I presumed you didn't feel like you were good company these days. You did say you didn't feel like meeting new people, but I now realize that that activity does involve more effort than hanging with old friends.

    In my experience as a single, it often made me depressed to see how my old friends had moved on, got married, had kids, set up houses, etc. while I was in the same position. I hope you banish such thoughts if they come to you and that these old friends offer you the support and confidence you need to put yourself out there again.

    You do eventually want to be a wife and mother, and those roles certainly can be stressors. Do you have a good therapist who helps you with managing your stress?