Monday, March 05, 2012

Too many matchmakers

It has taken three matchmakers -- Chavah, Chavie, and Suzy -- to set me up with one particular gentleman. He is 47, divorced with five children, and done with kids (DWK). Actually, it wasn't entirely clear to me that he was DWK from our brief phone conversations. But I've been getting copious emails from all of the matchmakers, so by now it's very clear.

Suzy introduced me to DWK in an email:

He's 47 and divorced about 2 yrs. He has 5 kids and owns some really amazing properties. he joined this group for a short time and then quit. Look in the intro thread

I'm not used to dating men who own multiple properties. So I looked him up online. I'm still not 100% sure what he does, but he seems to earn quite a bit. He's been sued several times and still drives a Lexus. So the guy's got money, and I won't lie, that's not unattractive. But I'm not exactly trophy wife material. As EG pointed out on our second date, most of the rich men he knows have wives whose dress sizes are in the low single digits.

I asked Suzy:

Is he open to having more children? I'd go out with him.

Her response wasn't encouraging.

He is very nice and very in demand. Try to friend him.

I don't need competition. I'm not about to audition for "The Divorced Middle-Aged Bachelor" and hope for a rose. And I'm not going to Friend him. That's completely against The Rules. I should have given up there, but I don't exactly have anything else going on.

if he's very in demand, I don't want to be just another girl running after him ;) is he on your friends list? can you suggest that he friend me?

Suzy couldn't.

Don't know how to do that. I can say something to him this Shabbos if you want. Another thing is that I don't think he is ready to remarry because he's having such a good time.. He found some1 in FL that he went out with for several months and his kids liked her and he wasn't ready to marry.

She and he were in Florida for a divorced singles weekend. But I'm not about to go fall in love again with someone else's kids.

Then don't bother ;) I don't have time to waste.

I thought that would be the end of it. Enter Chavah. She called me and cajoled me into meeting the guy. "He's a good person for you to know," she said. "And he has nice friends." She also wasn't as sure as Suzy that he didn't want to have more children. So I guess I let possibilities dance into my head. I gave her my number, she gave it to DWK; he called me a week ago, still in Florida, and we agreed to go out.

We couldn't talk long, though, because I had to go to sleep and he was out with friends, so he said he'd call again to set up a date. When he called yesterday, I had about given up on him. I'd been battling a major virus all week, though, and had been feeling exceedingly lethargic. So when he asked if I was available today, I agreed -- forgetting that my social work mentoring group meets the first Monday of the month.

Drat. And if that weren't bad enough, I came home from work today to a long email from Chavie.

Hi gorgeous Ayelet, how are you?

I hope you don't mind if I bring this to your attention. I was speaking with my friend DWK, whom I believe you know. He is very much interested in meeting you, and he has brought up one of his concerns. He tells me that at this point in his life, he feels he's done in the children department, having already had 5 children of his own. He has debated whether he should bring it up after meeting you, or if it's something you should know beforehand, as he doesn't wish for you to go on thinking you had the right to know this before.

I offered to contact you, as a shadchan would do, since his experience once before is that a woman he dated didn't appreciate not knowing before hand.

We discussed it briefly, and it's not that he's 100% closed to the possibility in the future, but at this point, he truly feels he's done.

It's entirely up to you if you wish to share with me how you feel, or if you want to contact him directly, or tell him when you meet him. But definitely, it can be an issue, and every person is different. My father also once didn't want more kids, and he told that to his new wife at the time, but later, since she never had kids, he said "you take care of it, and I'll financially support it," and the day my brother was born, he fell head over heels in love and has stood by that boy, now 18 years old through thick and thin.

Again, some men actually flip out when 2 years down the line the wife decides they've changed their minds and want to have a last chance at a baby once more, and remind them that they knew the score from the start. This is something to definitely discuss. How would he react if in a year or two, you suddenly changed your mind? Would he be supportive ,or destroy the whole marriage because you want this so much, you can't breath without it.....

In any case, I hope you are not offended if I have stuck my nose in, often, in chassidic circles, a shadchan or a go-between person usually checks out these things before setting up the date, and it really helps to iron stuff out. With all good intentions, I've dated lots of guys before that I wish the shadchan would have checked certain things out before wasting anyone's time, or putting them in an awkward situation for no good reason.

Just let me know if I can assist this in anyway, or if you want to discuss it with him personally. I appreciate about him that he's strong enough to decide what he wants, and was concerned with your feelings on how to approach the subject.

All the best, Chavi

Good Lord.  I was starting to feel very micro-managed -- and then I checked my phone messages. Chavah had left urgent messages on my cell and land lines. I wasn't sure if she was calling to cancel the date on DWK's behalf, which would have really pissed me off (although there's a pre-Purim party I could go to, all dressed and made up as I am). But no, she just really wanted me to know that DWK is Not. Having. Any. More. Children.

This is what I emailed Chavie:

I'm okay -- I hope you and yours are well. I'm not offended by you contacting me. [So far there are 3 shadchaniot involved in this match, which I am choosing to see as a good omen ] I knew children would be a significant difference between DWK and me -- Suzy mentioned he might be "done," so I'm not surprised to hear that.

I'm not sure if I can have a child, since I'm almost 42 and have never been pregnant. But I would like to at least try to have a baby. That's been my dream since I was five years old, or younger. I don't know if just getting married would be enough for me. Although just being married and not having children would be a lot better than being single and not having children.

The short answer is I don't know. He would have to be a really spectacular guy -- and would need to allow me a substantial role as stepmother -- for me to consider him worth giving up my dreams of motherhood. I know that I could make any man happy as a good wife. I don't know if having a husband but not a child -- and not even trying for a child -- would make me happy. I'd like to think that after a few years of marriage I'd have the same outlook that I had going in to the marriage, but of course there are no guarantees.

Thank you for your support and input. I've been very on the fence about even meeting DWK. Part of me thinks he's too recently divorced to be on the same wavelength as I am. I definitely want to get married and don't want to spend forever waiting for someone else to make up his mind whether he's ready. That was my last relationship, which cost me about a year. At this age I don't have any more years to spare. Also, with this many shadchaniot involved, I'll probably get a good "exit interview" if he's not interested in having a second date

Besoros tovos, Ayelet

Right now DWK is about 30 minutes late, but he called from the road to say he'd hit traffic, so I'm not angry. I am, however, kind of worn out already. I've already put in a ton of work into this relationship, and it might not go any further than tonight.

I also got an email from someone I dated long ago -- the Brooklyn Lawyuh, who thought I was exotic.

Hello Ayelet,

Please pardon the intrusion, but were you at Sharon's weekend at Teaneck this past Shabbat? BL

This past weekend there was another singles shabbaton. I had decided not to go and then got very sick, so it was a smart move on my part.

BL and I only have 3 Facebook friends in common, none of them really close. I have no idea where this email came from. He might have seen me in the Facebook group and thought I looked familiar. At first I thought I'd remind him that we went out in 2007 (Jeez... I have been single a very, very long time), but finally I just sent:

No -- I wasn't there.

Curious to see how or if he responds.   
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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