Friday, May 25, 2012

Too much "tough love"

My friend Netanel IMed me after reading about Dr. DITM.

Netanel: for god's sake the dentist guy is fine. keep speaking with him
I know I've been cast as too judgmental before, but I felt very confident about my instincts this time.

Ayelet: no he's NOT, he's a whiny downer

N: no he's not. as I have said before, if you keep rejecting men for shtuyot like this you will never get married.
he seems like a nice guy with elevated cholesterol in a country about to collapse. He's superman to even have an income

A: what does your wife think?

Netanel told me his wife has very good shadchanit instincts. I wanted her take on Dr. DITM's musings.

N: she doesn't read your blog. But her general view is for girls to go out with guys at least once.
And I gotta tell you: my wife is 40, and has quite a few friends in that age range who used to be very hot, and are now probably never going to get married. One actually realized this, at like 44, and adopted a baby. 
There are men out there, though many more than there are women. You're going to have to compromise (not settle, but compromise) on irrelevant criteria if you want to get married. Give people a chance. You're an intelligent attractive woman and it is simply not this hard unless you make it this hard. stop rejecting them on shtuyot and go out with them. Otherwise you will not get married. Sorry to be blunt

"Used to be very hot, and now probably never going to get married" -- that hit disconcertingly close to home. And hit too hard. I'm recovering from my general exhaustion, but still tired; not always sleeping well because of the pain. I'm having pain. I'm a little worried about my job, even though I know I have no choice but to take this time off to recover. I just couldn't listen to any more from him.

He wasn't put off. Or silenced.

N: fuck food and fuck thought. You need to physically go out with men in order to marry them.
A: I don't want to listen to him complain 12 times a day. I don't complain like that to people I just met. it's weird
N: complaining -- no he's not. it may just be his way of talking. keep the fuck talking with him
A: he is definitely complaining

I thought I'd change the subject and get him to ease up on me.

A: I did have a date last night I actually did. I think it went well, and that is all I'm going to blog about it. 
N: call him again and ask him to hang out

What the -- ???

A: no fucking way, I am going to let him take the lead
EVERY time I've taken the lead it has been disastrous

And that is true. Every time I've pursued a man, it's driven him away. Most recently Ivan the Terrible, but basically every other man I wanted to be in a relationship with (or marry) -- CY, SB, GI Josh, Hude, Little Marty, Jockitch... the list is humilatingly extensive.

N: there's no lead
A: there IS a lead
N: "hey this is ayelet. it really was fun the other night and I hope we can hang out again"
if he hems and haws then forget him
A: not doing that anymore,it looks desperate
N: "my friend is having this party - do you want to go with me?"
N: that will either make it or break it

That will break it. Irreparably.

A: I'm sorry, on this you're 1000000% wrong N: Yeah, I'm also 100% married to a woman with dozens of single-about-to-be-barren friends. follow up on every guy

Ouch. I can't listen to that. Yes, he's married, but he doesn't know everything.

A: you know what? I'm really not in the mood for your tough love right now. I'm in a lot of physical pain, work has been exhausting, and you're telling me to do something that has worked against me in EVERY relationship I've tried.
N: Ok, sorry, but you need to do this
A: No, I do NOT need to call him or email him or text him. Men like a challenge, men like to chase, they do NOT like to be chased. Every time I try to make something happen, I destroy it. I need to let it happen more than make it happen.
N: some actually want to get married
A: Netanel, I'm not arguing with you any more. Shabbat shalom, chag sameach.
N: I'm just trying to help
shabbat shalom

I know Netanel's brilliant, and I appreciate the offer of help. But he's pushing way, way too hard, and I just don't agree with him about the date I had last night. And if I don't agree with him about that guy, then maybe he's wrong about Dr. DITM.  
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Dr. Down in the Mouth

Why are dentists depressed? Because they're always down in the mouth. A friend of mine introduced me to a gentleman in Rome, a dentist I'll call Dr. Down in the Mouth (DITM). She said he was very nice and interested in getting married. Since I respect those qualities, I decided to get to know him. But very soon after we started chatting, I noticed that he's even more negative than I am.

Dr. DITM: ciao Ayelet,
I got your name from Jenna, and im really impressed that you want to talk to me.. I LIVE AT THE SEASIDE OF rome, so not near you.. lol
tell me more about you. i thought you have a daughter, do you work at NYU?
ciao e un bacio, DITM

Ayelet: ciao DITM -- no, I have no children. I work in a methadone clinic, which is very interesting. Jenna told me you were a very nice guy, so I wanted to meet you 

Dr. DITM: Jenna is a liar

Why would he say that?

A: why would you say that?

Dr. DITM: hahah
because she doesnt know me personally
and in english there are different meanings for nice
in italian u can say 2 words for nice phisically and nice as personality etc
so nice to meet you Ayelet

A: nice to meet you, DITM

Dr. DITM: so you work in a rehab clinic as i understand

A: kind of

Dr. DITM: in italy they give metadone in facilities and ppl take it home

A: same here; some people have to come in every day to take their dose, others get to take some home

Dr. DITM: understand
so why do you want to relocate may i ask?
i wanted to move to us many years ago then i gave up
too complicated with visas and boards etc

Well, it’s not like I’m just looking to move because I'm bored.

A: I want to get married -- if I have to relocate, then I will
as your Signor Machiavelli said, the ends justify the means 
Dr. DITM: lol fine giustifica i mezzi
yes but this sentence is weird
many dictators and criminals used it

A: of course
it can be seen as ruthless

Dr. DITM: how old are you if i may ask?

A: almost 42, how old are you?

Dr. DITM: 43, soon 44 -- old man

A: you're only as old as your knees

Dr. DITM: actually i was looking for a woman of 25

I suppose he’s trying to be funny.

A: yeah, lots of men your age are

Dr. DITM: my knees are old as well
you call it soccer
we call it football

A: I'm dealing with a knee injury, but I think I finally found the right treatment; it's been painful for years, but finally starting to get better

Dr. DITM: have u ever been in rome?
its a wonderful city to visit
much less to live

Why would he tell me that?
A: no, never, I"d love to visit
why isn't it a nice place to live?

Dr. DITM: i got enough of here
theres a huge recession, the city is overwhelmed with people.. pollution traffic taxes cost of life

A: you're not exactly selling me on moving there 

Dr. DITM: oh no
im sorry
but to visit you are very welcome!

A: thanks 

Dr. DITM: have to run now, we talk later

A: that's ok -- ttys

Wasn’t sure I wanted to. I don't need to be with a Debbie Downer type. I need an optimist to counteract my own pessimistic tendencies. 

This morning I started to organize a birthday celebration for myself. I didn’t invite all my FB friends, but I told them to invite themselves if they wanted to come. Dr. DITM sent me a message:

Dr. DITM: i wish i could come..its depressing being far;((
long time i dont go to a party

Does he not have a life? Red flag.

A: sorry you can't make it 

Dr. DITM: dont tease me

Uh. . . I wasn’t?

Dr. DITM: in my life i didnt make to many things
but ok
if you come here well do a brunch
i should buy a small bbq to make it into my small balcony

A: how do you and your friends celebrate your birthdays?

Dr. DITM: well,
some people dont celebrate
others go to a restaurant or pizza
not easy at my age.. my friends have family and children
so its not easy to organize an evening out

Boy do I know what that’s like. But not all of my friends are encumbered.

A: pizza must be pretty good in Rome 

Dr. DITM: its excellent, but i have to be careful since i have some problems -- high colesterol and trigliceryds
and the problem is specially cakes
yesterday i was at a sort of meeting for elecyions at the jewish community
i had a small piece of homemade tirami su i felt bad
ishoukld eat just salad bread..rice crackers
and fish
miserable life
because i love pasta and pizza

He sounds pretty miserable. I realize this may sound hypocritical, but I do not need to be with someone who’s miserable. I really don’t.

A: life isn't worth living without good food 

Dr. DITM: yes
but even a heart attack is not worthy
specially for someone who is not completed
in a family etc

I know what he means. But I just met the guy. Why is he complaining and moping like this to me? It seems really pathetic.

Dr. DITM: this year i think i wont celebrate
i hate my age
and its not time to invite 15 people and pay the rerstaurant

I don’t like my age either, but I don’t complain about it to someone I just met. I’ve been on dates with men like this before – and they end up feeling like therapy sessions.

A: you seem very unhappy about a lot of things

Dr. DITM: yes ;( sorry
last year was better
people seem not happy general
i see that also at my patients

A: I always thought Italians were so happy

Dr. DITM: all complaining for their health the lack of money..taxes
no way
we almost risked bankrupcy

A: the whole country?

Maybe it’s not just him.

Dr. DITM: and the govt saved the country by killing us with taxes

A: I did see an article not too long ago that a lot of Italians were committing suicide

Dr. DITM: that affected all economy
specially mine
that im private

A: sorry to hear that

And really, really no longer interested in dating you.

Dr. DITM: people dont come like before they have no money
so u know that
of course there are exceptions
like the ppl i went yestdray
they have a beautiful penthouse in rome near st peters
rich jews
wonderful family
i dont know them well i was invited by another friend
they presented a lost of candidate for the board of the italian jewish comunity
all women, lol

A: good 

Dr. DITM: yes
unfortunately for me all married

I can’t take it. He’s the Italian Eeyore.

A: listen, I need to get going -- I have an appointment

Dr. DITM: hahah

A: ?

Dr. DITM: dont you work today?

A: I'm home on medical leave
I'm dealing with some knee problems

Dr. DITM: oh yes u told me
im sorry

A: it's okay

Dr. DITM: u have a visit at a doctor?
A: yes, chiropractor, and I have to take the temporary disability paperwork to my other doctor

Dr. DITM: oh ok
in italy we dont have chiropractors
but its a great thing
so is that bad that u cannot walk?

A: after years of going to doctors and surgeons, he's the first to understand what's really going on
I can walk but it's painful

Dr. DITM: years? im sorry
is it a form of arthirtis?

A: no, not arthritis - it's complicated
but it's being resolved

Dr. DITM: great im happy

I don’t think so.

A: thanks

Dr. DITM: and u had surgery in the past?

A: no, thank God

Dr. DITM: i did
for my soccer
someone hit badly with the tip of needle shoes
my left knee
and went 90 degrees alsmost my leg

A: ouch! glad you're better

Dr. DITM: oh it was 15 years ago
now my concern is my cholesterol
and my small hypertension
thsi together with all the situation made me a bit depressed
being aware that the age is getting
where it wants

I’m not getting sucked into a pity party.

A: maybe you should talk to a therapist

Dr. DITM: ths strange thing is that i dont look bad or fat at all
well i did in the past
not that big deal

A: you just seem really sad

to be honest i broke with a woman some month ago and that didnt help
but thats another story

And one I do NOT want to hear.

A: been there
well, have a good day

Dr. DITM: hahah
thank you
do u get fb on phone?
write id be happy
if u have time

Sorry. I don't have time for someone else's sorrow. Especially someone that dumps it on a person they just met. I'm going to let Jenna know this guy has issues.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Is lithium destroying my thyroid?

I had thought that my chronic exhaustion and habitual crankiness were the inevitable result of my horrendous commute. I get up at 5:20 am and leave the house at 5:45, taking two subways and a bus to get to the clinic. I've been too tired to do much after work, even on weekends. I tend to watch a lot of TV and sleep. But Dr. R wanted to check that all my organs and glands were functioning, so I went to Dr. Cool and had some blood drawn.

I didn't think there would be any problems. My liver and kidneys survived my overdose in 2000 -- bounced back 100%. I asked Dr. Cool to check my folate and Vitamin D levels, too, since deficiencies in those can lead to mood disruptions.

I never expected my thyroid to be the laggard. But Dr. Cool says that the results were "borderline low." Potentially meaning hypothyroidism. According to NIH, symptoms include:
  1. Being more sensitive to cold
  2. Constipation
  3. Depression
  4. Fatigue or feeling slowed down
  5. Heavier menstrual periods
  6. Joint or muscle pain
  7. Paleness or dry skin
  8. Thin, brittle hair or fingernails
  9. Weakness
  10. Weight gain (unintentional)
1. Well, I definitely don't have this symptom, because I'm always hot. My temperature is usually about 97.2. (Probably a result of the lithium.)

2. Very rarely; I eat tons of fruit and vegetables. More fruit.

3. I always thought my depression was its own disorder, especially since I had it while my thyroid was still functioning normally.

4. See "commute," above.

5. Hard to say. I don't chart the volume.

6. Joint or muscle pain? Really only in my knees.

7. Paleness, yes, because I use sunscreen, but I'm not sallow or ashen.

8. Anyone who's seen my hair would laugh at this. My college roommate's mother once told me, "You have more hair than normal people." I've been noticing some thinning at my hairline, which my sister once told me was a sign of thyroid dysfunction. But I wasn't sure it was significant, and I was more peeved that the hair stylist I went to dyed my hair BLACK after I asked for dark brown.

9. Just thought I was tired after the commute. My job doesn't involve physical labor, so my strength isn't often tested.

10. I can't blame my weight gain on the thyroid. I eat too much junk, even with all the fruit, vegetables, and other healthy food I try to consume.

Lithium is one of the drugs listed as causing hypothyroidism. The thought of going off it terrifies me, because I've tried all other mood stabilizers and none of them worked. But my thyroid was never a problem -- until I was transferred to this clinic. I wonder if stress compromises thyroid functioning.

Fortunately, Dr. Cool is writing me a get-out-of-clinic-free letter. After I've put in one year, I'm going to try to transfer to another department in the hospital system. I will also start looking for other jobs.

In other news, some friends tried to set me up with a Turkish guy in Israel. I'm going to call him OY, because those are his initials, and that is what I thought when I saw his emails to me:

hi erev tov i am jewish 40 single live istanbul 2008 09 live in israel 2009 sept back istanbul cause my uncle was cancer 2010 he passed way i want build jewish family we can able know each other or you can able help to find jewish woman efsar ledaber msn skype we can able to talk msn or skype erev tov me istanbul בקבוצה שלנו ישנו בחור יהודי בשם Oy Vey Turki בן 40, גר בטורקיה ומאוד רוצה להכיר בחורה יהודיה למטרות רציניות בלבד הוא היה גר תקופה בישראל הוא מדבר עברית ואנגלית וישמח מאוד אם מישהי תרצה להכיר אותו, הוא מוכן לגור בארץ ולהקים משפחה יהודית כאן בארץ...מי מוכנה לנסות

i am jewish from istanbul turkey 
40 male single 
also i am israeli too 
lived 2008 09 in kfar saba telaviv area 
i want marriage with jewish woman of course age not important 
i use skype oyveyturki  email

I realize that English is not his first, second, or third language, but this just scared me.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Random creep of the week.

I'm so impressed with Chaim Levin. He's an adorable boychick who was raised chassidish but grew up gay. He blogs about his journey of self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-love, and pride. Openly. With his picture and his name.

I'm still hiding. I freaked out when a snotty little bitch who thought herself a matchmaker blabbed about my blog to a man I blogged about. And I don't know why. I'm not ashamed of what I am. I work incredibly hard to function at a very high level. I excel at a difficult job, in part because of my disability -- very few other social workers know as much about medications as I do, because I've taken so many.

But I'm not putting my face and my name on my blog. I don't even know how much longer I want to continue writing it. Lately it seems I don't have much to say, and when I do say something, I regret it. And I definitely don't want any man I date to read it. Because that's what scared Ivan the Terrible away from me.

I'm also uncomfortable with having a "public" persona. I always thought I'd love being a "celebrity." But there's a dark side to being known, and that's being contacted by random creeps offering "comfort."

Yuck. So here's the random creep of the week, He emailed me:


I had no idea who he was, but I wrote back "Hi." He responded:

what's up?

That's a very vague question, especially if I have no idea who he is.

who r u?

I asked. He answered,


That really doesn't help me, because it doesn't tell me how you know me.

Moshe who? Do I know you?

Ayelet has a lot of friends, and fans, on Facebook. If he's one of them, maybe that would explain why he's contacting me.

Still not...... I wanna know u

The slightly awkward construction ("still not" as opposed to "not yet") tells me he's probably a creepy black-hat guy who thinks Facebook was created so he could screw around behind his wife's back. Already I suspect his agenda. But maybe I'm being too suspicious. Maybe he has a good reason for wanting to get to know me. Maybe he's struggling with depression or bipolar.


I asked. I did not like his answer:

Wanna b ur freind

That's not reassuring. Not because of the spelling error, but because he's being vague. Why does he want to be my friend? If he's not saying why, his reasons are most likely shady. Maybe I'm jaded, but I did not want to learn anything more about him.

I don't know anything about you, so this seems very creepy

That got rid of him. But now I'm thinking, I don't like being this reflexively distrustful. I expose myself to creepy contacts like this. Maybe I need to shut down the exposure.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

New healthy hobby

The vegan meditating mindful doctor at my clinic is a big fan of green smoothies. According to Wikipedia,

Green smoothies are health shakes or smoothies made by blending green raw leafy vegetables, such as spinach, kale, Swiss chard, collard greens, celery, parsley, broccoli, with fruit(s) such as oranges, kiwis, apples, mangoes, pears, and bananas, some of which may be frozen, and water or ice.... To balance flavor and nutrition the typical ratio in a green smoothie is about 60% fruit to 40% leafy greens.

Doc has a green smoothie every day and is a size 4. Of course, she also practices yoga. But a patient in the clinic began drinking green smoothies and has lost a considerable amount of weight. I was reminded of the green smoothie phenomenon this evening, when a friend posted this status update:

thanks to Chana Rachel i drank 4c of spinach in a smoothie i made! yay! THANK YOU FRIEND! 

I'm pretty lazy, living alone. I let dirty dishes accumulate in the sink. I don't change my towels and sheets as frequently as I should. I have more than 40 pairs of underwear so I only need to take out the laundry every 6 weeks or so. And I never cook. Even though I'm a great cook and I love cooking. For myself, I just never bother.

Hence I'm often bored. Especially given my bizarre schedule, which requires me to be off the computer by 9 pm and in bed by 9:30. I haven't been going to the gym because my knees still hurt like a sonofabitch. I go to the expensive acupuncturist twice a week, but hopefully that will soon change; I've had three sessions, but I'm not sure there's been significant improvement. In any event, even if I start going to the gym again, I'll still have too much spare time and nobody to spend it with.

So I need a hobby I can pursue alone. Maybe one that involves experimenting with food. I can certainly afford to buy lots of fresh produce, since I'm making decent money and my lease renewal increased my rent by less than $80.

I also have an excellent blender. Bought for me by my sister Jerusha, as it happens. In 1996 we were shopping for wedding gifts for a cousin, who had registered at Macy's for, among other items, a kick-ass blender. Jerusha loved it, but already had a blender, so she bought it for me. I've never used it.

It's so hard for me to have a balanced view of my sister, because all the nice things she does are way counterbalanced by the shitty things she does. It's hard not speaking to most of your immediate family. I've had two dreams lately in which I thought my mother had died and was very upset -- and tremendously relieved to learn she wasn't dead. Which I know is just laden with significance. But still, I can't get over the fact that the degenerate pervert gets to live happily ever after while I'm a barren spinster.

Anyway, the doctor has a recipe book of green smoothies, but the internet is full of recipes. Maybe I'll compile a bunch and start blending.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"