Friday, May 25, 2012

Too much "tough love"

My friend Netanel IMed me after reading about Dr. DITM.

Netanel: for god's sake the dentist guy is fine. keep speaking with him
I know I've been cast as too judgmental before, but I felt very confident about my instincts this time.

Ayelet: no he's NOT, he's a whiny downer

N: no he's not. as I have said before, if you keep rejecting men for shtuyot like this you will never get married.
he seems like a nice guy with elevated cholesterol in a country about to collapse. He's superman to even have an income

A: what does your wife think?

Netanel told me his wife has very good shadchanit instincts. I wanted her take on Dr. DITM's musings.

N: she doesn't read your blog. But her general view is for girls to go out with guys at least once.
And I gotta tell you: my wife is 40, and has quite a few friends in that age range who used to be very hot, and are now probably never going to get married. One actually realized this, at like 44, and adopted a baby. 
There are men out there, though many more than there are women. You're going to have to compromise (not settle, but compromise) on irrelevant criteria if you want to get married. Give people a chance. You're an intelligent attractive woman and it is simply not this hard unless you make it this hard. stop rejecting them on shtuyot and go out with them. Otherwise you will not get married. Sorry to be blunt

"Used to be very hot, and now probably never going to get married" -- that hit disconcertingly close to home. And hit too hard. I'm recovering from my general exhaustion, but still tired; not always sleeping well because of the pain. I'm having pain. I'm a little worried about my job, even though I know I have no choice but to take this time off to recover. I just couldn't listen to any more from him.

He wasn't put off. Or silenced.

N: fuck food and fuck thought. You need to physically go out with men in order to marry them.
A: I don't want to listen to him complain 12 times a day. I don't complain like that to people I just met. it's weird
N: complaining -- no he's not. it may just be his way of talking. keep the fuck talking with him
A: he is definitely complaining

I thought I'd change the subject and get him to ease up on me.

A: I did have a date last night I actually did. I think it went well, and that is all I'm going to blog about it. 
N: call him again and ask him to hang out

What the -- ???

A: no fucking way, I am going to let him take the lead
EVERY time I've taken the lead it has been disastrous

And that is true. Every time I've pursued a man, it's driven him away. Most recently Ivan the Terrible, but basically every other man I wanted to be in a relationship with (or marry) -- CY, SB, GI Josh, Hude, Little Marty, Jockitch... the list is humilatingly extensive.

N: there's no lead
A: there IS a lead
N: "hey this is ayelet. it really was fun the other night and I hope we can hang out again"
if he hems and haws then forget him
A: not doing that anymore,it looks desperate
N: "my friend is having this party - do you want to go with me?"
N: that will either make it or break it

That will break it. Irreparably.

A: I'm sorry, on this you're 1000000% wrong N: Yeah, I'm also 100% married to a woman with dozens of single-about-to-be-barren friends. follow up on every guy

Ouch. I can't listen to that. Yes, he's married, but he doesn't know everything.

A: you know what? I'm really not in the mood for your tough love right now. I'm in a lot of physical pain, work has been exhausting, and you're telling me to do something that has worked against me in EVERY relationship I've tried.
N: Ok, sorry, but you need to do this
A: No, I do NOT need to call him or email him or text him. Men like a challenge, men like to chase, they do NOT like to be chased. Every time I try to make something happen, I destroy it. I need to let it happen more than make it happen.
N: some actually want to get married
A: Netanel, I'm not arguing with you any more. Shabbat shalom, chag sameach.
N: I'm just trying to help
shabbat shalom

I know Netanel's brilliant, and I appreciate the offer of help. But he's pushing way, way too hard, and I just don't agree with him about the date I had last night. And if I don't agree with him about that guy, then maybe he's wrong about Dr. DITM.  
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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