Thursday, September 27, 2012

My heart still breaks like a little girl

If you follow me on Twitter, you know what's been going on in my life. I haven't blogged in about a month. Since I am feeling sad and brokenhearted right now, I'm not up for writing much. So I'm going to share (most of) the tweets I've posted since my last blog post on August 26. What's interesting is you can see how widely my mood veers from day to day, sometimes from dawn to twilight.

27 Aug: Just spoke on the phone to help a friend talk through a situation. Apparently I'm a pretty good therapist ;)

(Sometimes I need to give myself props, since it's so easy to hate myself for being a fat old maid.)

30 Aug: Dilemma. Interview went great. Like the ppl & the work. But it's 15 min from subway & they want 1 evening shift, 1-9pm. Not good 4 me.
  • Always hated the 1-9 shift at my last job, and I do MUCH better w/a regular schedule. I'll go on followup interview and & see.
  • But really don't want to walk to the subway thru the S. Bronx at 9 pm by myself. Really don't like that idea.
4 Sep: so angry, and so tired of being angry. tired of the pain, tired of the disappointments. just tired of everything.
  • dear friends: please don't be offended when I don't want to IM or talk on the phone. It's not you. I'm just too bitter & miserable right now.
  • when is the pain going to end? I'm afraid to take another job because I don't know if I can handle any commute but the easy one I have now.
(I went to a family event, where my dress was ruined, my sister was hateful, and an 80-year-old man told me I look "deliciously voluptuous." His daughter then tried to set me up with her brother-in-law, a recovering addict who just achieved HVAC certification. No thank you. And the awesomely gorgeous stilettos I wore turned my knees to fire.)

8 Sep: one of those days when I try to sleep as much as possible to avoid my grim future of underutilization, humiliation, and underachievement.
  • Do I really have to wait until I'm 50? I have no prospects of anything better, no hope. I'm tired of trying and getting smacked down.
  • and please don't call or email -- I need to sleep some more. Thank God for Vitamin K. Temporary escape.
9 Sep: rested & dreamed a lot yesterday - today all I have to do is wash my hair & order groceries.
  • knees feel good. slept a lot today, trying to avoid thinking.
  • Hate my life. Tried everything to make it better, nothing helps. Just sick of everything. Miserable all weekend.
11 Sep: Funny. Most of the counselors say they luv workin w/me & hope I'll stay a long time. If only they knew how hard I'm tryin 2 leave!
  • got a 2nd interview 4 the job w/slightly difficult commute but EVERYONE seems REALLY happy to work there. $ & hours are better too.
  • Got an email about my resume from another possibility that sounds really interesting. I'll keep you posted.
(The most appealing thing about the second job is that it's located in my neighborhood, about a 10-minute walk from my apartment.)

12 Sep: Knees don't hurt nearly as much as I expected, post-injection. Good. Woke up at 4:20am. Not so good.
  • have been in a ridiculously good mood all day & hopes it's not onset of hypomania precipitated by all those steroid injections (hip, knee)
  • single dad LIED, he's still on OKCupid- y make up a bullshit story about dating someone else? Just say you're not interested in me! Loser
  • crap- overpowerin lust is back- really don't want hypomania to return when I'm juggling job interviews & tryin to keep the job I have- help!
  • OWWWW ok now the knees hurt- not as much as they COULD hurt, but enuf :( hoping it's temporary cuz the injections were yesterday
13 Sep: OW OW OW OW woke up w/knee pain, not happy; hope I survive today with my second interview
  • It's been a while since I blogged. Will try to write something this weekend before Rosh Hashana. Awake, in pain, but happy right now.
  • o o o SO crushing on the dangerously delicious Dr. Dashing- sent him a fax about yoga nidra & he called to thank me- soooo crushing on him!
  • got a provisional job offer at my 2nd interview; also emailing the person who contacted me for a different job; soon I'll ESCAPE
  • been a hard year, but I finally learned how to get along with more people than I piss off
(In case you're wondering, this is how: . First, you always have to be nice to people even when you feel like you shouldn't have to because they should just do what you want. Then, you have to make sure to give them sincere compliments and validate, validate, validate. Always be scrupulously fair, apologize COPIOUSLY when you're wrong or mistaken, and treat their time as more valuable than your own. Finally, have a sense of humor and make them laugh even when it's sometimes inappropriate.)

14 Sep: knee pain, up since 2am, this will be a LONG day. hope I get an interview at that other job. hope hope hope hope hope..
  • looking forward to resting over the weekend, and resting and seeing friends over #RoshHashanah
  • GOT THE INTERVIEW! (Told work I had a Dr. appt.) Think it went well. Hope for a 2nd interview next Weds or Thurs. REALLY WANT THIS JOB!
  • Haven't heard back from provisional offer. Which is great cuz I got to use it as leverage but I don't have to negotiate it just yet.
  • So much of my life will be decided for me this Rosh Hashanah. Feels... so ironic.
(I had 2 interviews for one job and one interview for another. The first job made me a provisional offer and said HR would contact me for the final negotiation. I told this to the other job, hoping it would light a fire under them.)
  • I need your prayers now more than ever to get me my dream job!!!!!
  • Tuesday Dr. Dashing & his fellow injected my knees. Weds Dr. D called to thank me for sending yoga nidra info & wish me happy new year.
(Actually I was wrong, it was Thursday he called and left a message.)
  • Today (Friday)Dr. D called AGAIN to check on me, even tho I scheduled a followup appt 4 the normal 2 week interval. & again wished me Happy New Year
  • Is Dr. D crushing on me as hard as I'm crushing on him???
(Two phone calls the same week he injected me seemed a bit much. And why did he keep saying "Happy New Year" and then pause expectantly? I decided to do a little research, or cyberstalking, I suppose you could call it.)
  • OK. I Googled Dr. Dashing. And... he is not Pakistani, as I thought, but a Persian Jew from Los Angeles.
  • Could not see if he's married or single, though. But at our next appointment I'll wish him shana tova.
(With that, I went from crushing to full-on obsessional fantasizing. Like, imagining his aunt in Great Neck would invite me to join them for the first days of Succot.)

16 Sep: sent Dr. Dashing LinkedIn connect request: (in Farsi) happy new year and best wishes for you my dear friend (translated for me by a friend)
  • also said: In advance of Yom Kippur, please forgive me for assuming your ethnic origin was Pakistani. Ball's in his court now...
  • Unlike 5771, this year I will not pray to be inscribed in the Book of Death. I am aware of my many blessings and have hopes for a good year.
18 Sep: Didn't go to davening, but I did hear shofar. Prayed for clarity and acceptance: to know what I have to do & be willing to do it.
  • should be practicing yoga nidra, but after 2 days of no TV, am watching Bridezillas
19 Sep: OMG SO HOTTTT 4 Dr. Dashing! and so flipping out over the job situation. Clarity/acceptance, clarity/acceptance, clarity/acceptance...

(I made an appointment for a negotiation interview for one job, and the other asked for references, which I sent.)

Sent the references. "Give it up to God" says AA. Have to Let. It. Go. Clarity/acceptance, clarity/acceptance, #clarity #acceptance

20 Sep: up too early w/knee discomfort- trying to welcome it a la yoga #nidra, but will probably end up taking something for it #irest
  • so hard to trust that everything will be OK and I'm going to make the right decision about a new job
  • have to remember that as angry as I am about my current job, I have learned a lot through it
  • good thing about having a crush as an adult is knowing that you will eventually get over him and stop obsessing
  • crushing crushing crushing on the delectable Dr. Dashing... I'm in heat... it's awful
  • asked a Persian friend, "How do I make a Persian man fall in love with me?"; he said, "Just be yourself" - great, cuz THAT has always worked
  • knees ache... heart aches... acceptance is so hart [sic.] tonight... this is why my patients get high... I have to just sit with the discomfort
(That is one Freudian typo.)
  • this is why discipline is so important in yoga practice- but a friend's breakup has me moodily listening to sad videos :(
  • I really better practice tomorrow, I will never get better at this rate.
21 Sep: have reached the heartbreak stage of the crush... does that mean it's almost over? totally want to get drunk or high or something

22 Sep: Now leaning toward taking the other job. Not the one in my neighborhood. Worse commute, not as creative, but more $ and my own office.
  • I'm just so afraid of hurting my knees worse...
  • crush hitting me SO HARD, maybe cuz of all the job insecurity; this too shall pass & I'll return to normal functioning. soon, please.
23 Sep: why is acceptance so hard? why do I want so much that I don't have?

24 Sep: Went 4 what I thought was final negotiation w/HR. Instead, new interrogation & a shock: salary offered was several thou less than expected.
  • Just trying to accept it all gracefully & gratefully. I don't have to rush to leave this job. I can find another job anytime.
  • Not on my timetable. Never is, never will be. On the upside, knees hurt less today. Forgot cane in a.m., had 2 stand on the bus in the p.m.
  • Maybe my knees will get all better. Maybe I will find a way to live with my job. Maybe I will get over wanting love & sex.
  • Headache all day. Constipation? Allergies? Stress? Need a hot oil massage from Dr. Dashing.
25 Sep: Wishing all friends and fans an easy and meaningful fast and sealing into the Book of Life. And yes, this year I hope I will be too.

(Just before Yom Kippur started, I got a fateful phone call.)
  • "Since your interview the salary for the position has changed." Really? The workload increased hugely and you CUT the salary? See ya!
(They told me a social worker just left. Starting to understand why.)
  • Good every1 @ the clinics luvs me. May be there for a while. 2 ppl today told me how much I'm appreciated, wonder if they know I'm looking.
  • If I've done anything to hurt or offend any1, I hope you accept my apology - with the caveat that I'm a smart-aleck & it could happen again
Sep 26: Survived the fast. Rested, read, prayed, dreamed of Dr. Dashing - not sharing the proportions of how I spent the 25 hours

Sep 27: Dr. Dashing was ALL boundaries today. There goes that forlorn hope. How can I eliminate my love & sex drive? Tired of disappointments.

(He didn't mention the email on LinkedIn. I was relieved. We didn't talk about anything but my knees, which yet another fellow came in to palpate. I am the star, or performing seal, of this pain management program.)

I was sad, and then Twitter gave me some good news:
  • Who needs love? Patrick J. Kennedy @PJK4brainhealth is following me! I'm the happiest bipolar mental health clinician EVER!!!!!!
(That gave me a bit of a bounce, but pretty soon I was sad again.)
  • .... yeah, I still want love. But I do feel a little better. Getting a famous follower is pretty hot. Better blog soon.
  • cute icons don't make SPAM any more appealing, and seriously: I need a lobotomy that targets the romantic illusions in my cerebral cortex
  • should practice yoga nidra, yet all I do is watch Bridezillas: total exercise in masochism, cuz if those bitches can get married y can't I??
So there you have it. Tweet by tweet, a month in the life of a manic-depressive -- or, as the advocate in me prefers to say, a woman with type 2 bipolar disorder. I promise not to do this too often, but this month has me feeling so raw, rejected, and dejected that I just haven't felt like writing anything extensive. I'm aware that I'm luckier than many: I'm respected and liked at my job, and I'm good at it. But my Disney-brainwashed heart still aches. I know I'll get over Dr. Dashing, just like I've gotten over every crush. It's the getting over that's painful.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"