Monday, January 28, 2013

A very weird party

I love Sephardim, but they are not punctual. This past Saturday night I was invited to celebrate the birthday of an acquaintance. I figured, Shabbos is over by about 6, so the party will start around 8, I'll get there at 9, fashionably late.

I walked in and was greeted by the host in his undershirt and some very undesirable men. How undesirable? Listen to what they asked me.

"Do you need an accountant?" Not, "Hi, my name is Joe and I'm an accountant."

"No, thanks," I said, backing off slightly. Not everyone gets the concept of personal space, especially when you're trying to sell but not over-sell your product.

"So why didn't you bring us any young girls?" Asked by another man with gray hair and a long, distinct vertical dent in his forehead. Could have been a scar or a metal plate.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"You know, you're a girl, so you should be bringing us other young girls. Eighteen, nineteen, twenty years old," he grinned. Totally, totally creepy. I smiled uneasily. If he was trying to be funny, I really didn't get his sense of humor.

"Eat something, Ayelet!" said the host. There were several types of kuba and some unappetizing mini-pizzas. All inflammatory, of course, but I had a few bites. Eventually more people showed up, including some of the women I went on the cruise with a few years ago.

I didn't get to know Cheryl very well on the cruise. I knew she was a single mother. I didn't realize that she's about as sad and desperate as I am when it comes to getting married. She complained that she went on a tour of the major graves in Israel to daven for a husband, but no luck. I didn't share that I've either done or delegated people to do similar things, also to no avail. I couldn't believe how pathetic she seemed to me, and yet she wasn't saying anything I haven't said.

"Keeping Shabbos all day long is almost impossible when you have a child and you're alone," she complained. "It's so difficult to keep him entertained all day."

"Keeping Shabbos is a lot easier when you have a family," I sympathized, and yet I thought she was a loser. What does that say about me, other than denial has deep roots?

I felt frustrated, because despite chatting up several men, none of them asked for my phone number. I must need remedial flirting tutorials. Every event I go to I manage to talk to someone new, and yet none of them express any interest.

I have been getting some set-up offers, but they seem unappealing. One is a 48-year-old widower with three children who is "on the heavy side," as the would-be matchmaker acknowledged. I'm a little wary of him. Maybe he's lovely, or maybe he's enormous.

Another matchmaker sent me a photo of a man without any hair. No hair on his scalp, no eyebrows. Allegedly he lost his hair due to "stress." I really, really doubt it. That kind of hair loss usually has medical causes, like chemotherapy. Am I completely arrogant to think I deserve better than this?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. Alopecia universalis is a condition unrelated to stress or chemotherapy. It's just a guaranteed one-way ticket to the shidduch C-list. Can I ask you a question? Is the prospect from England?


    1. Hard to achieve when you're in constant physical pain as well as being dissatisfied with your work and personal life.

    2. Yeah, that's the point. It's the ability to looks outside yourself that makes a meaningful and satisfying life. It's doubtful you'll ever be able to achieve that due to your severe lack of self-awareness. So you'll continue to go from job to job because none of them will ever satisfy you. You're searching for the wrong thing. Good luck.

    3. I'd actually have a little respect for your nasty comments if you had the courage to post them under your name instead of anonymously. You really don't know me, and I have enough friends in real life who would disagree with your statements to find them little more than irrational attacks probably motivated from a desire to make yourself feel better about your own life.

  3. I have found that larger guys are on average much nicer than skinnier guys (who are more likley to think they are all that), and I also find them to be much better and more giving in the bedroom (and more comfortable to have sex with cause who wants to have sex with a bag of hangers?). Just sayin. I mean if you're not attracted to him you're not attracted, but I would at least give it a chance and see what he looks like before writing him off based on weight.

    Also I married a man with thick hair who now, almost 4 years after we got married, is starting to seriously bald. Oh well. I think bald men can look very distinguished. This guy alopecia though if he has no eyebrows- a friend of mine has that