Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Why can't he be 15 years older?

Heard from yet another way-too-young kid on OKCupid.

Hey there. Really digging your profile. Seems like we have a lot in common. How's your week going?

I had to wonder whether a 23-year-old in 2013 would actually say "digging your profile," but I wrote back. Why not? Nothing else going on.

Thanks. Week is fine so far. What do we have in common?

He's a recent college grad thinking of going to law school in a few years. Because he's twenty-three.

You have good taste in music, can appreciate the benefits of a good mattress, are Jewish, and seem to like children. Seem like quite a catch to me, to be honest. Plus, you are quite beautiful, which doesn't hurt :)

I guess he likes acoustic guitar, and among my "six things I could never do without," I include my ridiculously expensive Stearns & Foster bed. It's a cute reply, and flattering of course, but how could I ever raise children with someone two decades my junior?

I'm also twice your age. I'll be 43 in 8 days. 

He's not easy to daunt.

I'm pretty mature and tend to connect more with older women. That a huge turn off? Apologize if so.

Of course, he's only flattering me so I'll sleep with him, because clearly he has something of a cougar fetish. But I won't disturb the illusion.

It's not a turn-off, but I can't imagine a real future with someone 20 years younger than I am.

If my knees were in better shape, maybe I'd meet him for a tussle, but I'm seriously on the injured list. Again I wonder why the only men who pursue me are either much too young, too old, or not Jewish. Because another guy from OKCupid -- who is 40 -- emailed me. And I'm almost tempted to meet him, even though he's definitely not Jewish. I've already given up on having children. Why shouldn't I have companionship?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The geniuses are dying, why am I still alive?

Happy Mother's Day, to those of you who either have children or are talking to your mothers. I'm still not. My mother sent me some books on the Alexander technique, which I found very insulting. I've been to dozens of doctors and acupuncturists -- the cure for what is wrong with my knees can't be bought on fucking Amazon. So the last phone call I made to her was to scream at her to stop sending me books. I feel kind of guilty but also still incensed that the degenerate pervert is enjoying his comfortable retirement with her.

Two geniuses that I knew from high school are dead. One died of a sudden heart attack a few months ago. He was my age, a brilliant handsome architect. He was an expert on green building and also taught at a major university. And he had three kids.

The other was a year younger than I. He was a lawyer who did something very important with Homeland Security. Important enough for former Senator Joseph Lieberman to publish a tribute to him. He also had three kids.

So these men, who were poised to make immense contributions to the world, who had children and wives who needed them, are dead. And I'm still around. It just makes me wonder. I know life is completely random, or at least seems completely random to us before we die, when it might just be explained to us. Objectively, I know my life has no more or less value than theirs, I'm no more or less deserving.

But they had children. And I don't, and probably never will. I think that's what bothers me the most. That their children had to lose their fathers at such a young age. I know what that is like.

I'm hoping their widows won't freeze out their memories, and will help the kids remember their fathers. Because my mother did, and didn't. And maybe that's why I get some vengeful joy from denying her access to me. She wanted me to love only her, or at least to love her more than I loved my father.

I wonder if most people regret their lives, at the end. Look back at all the mistakes, the missed opportunities, the stupid choices that took them down dead end after dead end instead of resulting in accomplishment or happiness. Maybe I'll feel a little differently if I'm able to find an end to the knee pain, if I'm able to find a job that's more satisfaction than frustration. Right now, I know, rationally, that I make a difference for good in other people's lives. Does that compensate for the experiences I'll never have?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Should I go out with this one?

Good news. The former supervisors' supervisor signed off on my LCSW paperwork. Hopefully it's all in order -- I thought I was good at paperwork, but this application is complicated. She was actually extremely pleasant.

"I'm so glad there are no hard feelings," I said as I was leaving. "Since I left on such bad terms."

"I can't remember that far back," she joked.

We chatted about my current job and her agency's plans for the future. I'm hugely relieved. I saw one evil former co-worker -- the one who accused me of not liking him because he's black and who used to scream at me during staff meetings -- but we ignored each other. And I hugged two very black former co-workers, who were delighted to see me.

I got an email from someone on a dating website. A very brief email:


So I looked at his profile.

Gender - Male
Location - Queens
Age - 45

Not too far from me, close in age. SFSG.

Height - 5'9" (175 cm)
Eye Color - Brown
Hair Color - Black
Hearing Impaired - No
Body Type - Slender
Exercise - Occasional
Ethnicity - Middle Eastern

No problems with any of that. Average height, not obese, hearing unimpaired.

Marital Status - Divorced
Astrological Sign - Sagittarius
Languages - English,Persian/Farsi
Have Children - I have 2
Want Children - Yes

Divorced is good, shows he's not afraid of commitment. And he comes with bonus children. Not sure I could give him more kids if he wants them. Also, he's Persian, and every other Persian I've dated has been crazy.

Biography - I'm a good listenr ,quiet and compassionate supportive and loyal with a big hart.
Perfect First Date - .. have a good time wiht common values personality.

Hm. I realize he probably came to the US as a teen or young adult, so I shouldn't judge him by his writing skills. He mentions good qualities -- loyal, supportive.

Profession - manager food caterers
Job Title - manager
Education - High School Diploma

I know, I know, I'm an intellectual snob. But I have two master's degrees. Am I going to be interested or bored talking to him?

Jewish Ethnicity - Sephardic
Religion - Modern Orthodox
Frequency Of Synagogue - Every Sabbath
Kosher - Always
Willing To Make Aliyah - Maybe
Parents Are Jewish - Both of them are Jewish
Are you Cohen? - n

I could go back to being Modern Orthodox, and he's not a Cohen, so I'm not barred from marrying him.

I guess he didn't put much thought into the next section:

About my Date
Location - Any and in Any miles from me
Height - Any
Age - Any
Marital Status - Any
Hair Color - Any
Eye Color - Any
Body Type - Any
Exercise - Any
Politics - Any
Smoking - Any
Drinking - Any
Jewish Ethnicity - Any
Religion - Any
Frequency of Synagogue - Any
Kosher - Any
Willing To Make Aliyah - Any
Have Children - Any
Want Children - Any
Education - Any
Salary - Any
Relocate - Any

Any girl will do, it seems. I don't know. I don't think I'm really well enough to date, but should I write him back?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"