Saturday, September 28, 2013

Ayelet cock-blocks for a friend

Feeling especially disconnected this set of holidays. I didn't really do anything over the first days of Sukkot, in part because I was recovering from a fierce sinus infection/bronchitis, but also because I don't really care anymore. Took off from work mostly because I wanted some time off and I'm not well enough to travel. Went to Hakafot and felt like an observer. Why are those people singing and walking around in circles carrying these large objects? Almost anthropological. Not spiritual.

I almost didn't go. But I forced myself to throw on some makeup and put on a new, significantly low-cut, body-conscious burgundy dress. I got a lot of compliments on it, even though I thought it was a bit too tight (fortunately there's shapewear). And it definitely helped me distract a man away from a woman who distracted him away from a friend.

Actually, she's not even really my friend, she's the friend of a friend. I think she's a bit of a loose cannon. Call her Loosey Goosey, or LG. We were all at the annual Simchat Torah oneg sponsored by West Side Institutional Synagogue. LG stormed up to my friend and me to complain that a friend of hers whom she's known for more than 30 years had just cock-blocked her.

Urban Dictionary defines cock-block as "To interfere with someone who is getting acquainted with, conversing with, or hooking up with a member of the opposite sex." I've been accused (unjustly) of doing this before at a few parties I've attended. LG was fuming because she'd been talking with a man and then her friend butted in.

"Who's the guy?" I asked. LG indicated a chubby, balding, white-haired gent talking to a hefty woman with badly colored hair. I didn't see why he was so worth getting worked up about, but I wasn't getting much attention from anyone I'd be interested in and I was bored. (Probably the sexy dress made me look like I was trying too hard.)

"Want me to cock-block her?" I asked.

"Yes!" said LG. So I sauntered over to him and said, "Oh, I was just told you're just the person I need to talk to! May I sit down?"

"Of course!" he said. Hefty Woman's eyes narrowed as he turned from her to me.

"My name is Ayelet," I said. "I was told that you'd be able to advise me because you're so knowledgeable in your profession. You know something I need to know more about."

I didn't know anything about him. Not his name, not his profession. But I figured I could fake it, especially if I flattered him.

"You mean, the law?" he said.

"Yes!" I cried. Hefty Woman clenched her hands. "Remind me of your name?"

"My name is Gullible," he said, turning his entire attention to me.

"Well, Gullible, I need to know more about that big Supreme Court decision. About 20 years ago. Specifically in your area of law." I don't know a lot about the law, but I figured there had to have been some big Supreme Court case I could fake my way through if he mentioned it.

"Real estate law?" he said.

"Exactly," I said. "It was that big case about... oh, what's it called? I can't remember the term."

"Eminent domain?" he asked.

"Yes! Eminent domain!" I cried. And chatted to him about Columbia University's calculated takeover/buyout of a big chunk of Harlem. Which I don't know much about, but enough to keep a conversation going with him -- and away from the Hefty Woman. Eventually she got up and left, to LG's delight.

Gullible and I chatted about the law, his recent divorce and move to the city, and exchanged names. I'm kind of hoping he won't remember mine, but if he does I'll probably ask if he's interested in LG's contact information. Not sure he will be -- apparently she tried to talk to him after I did and he kind of blew her off.

"He said he's not feeling well," said LG. "Maybe you gave him a heart condition!"

As usual, it's easy for me to snatch the attention of men I'm not remotely attracted to. But it wouldn't be Simchat Torah if I didn't have another fleeting encounter with DavidAfter Hakafot at the Spanish & Portuguese Synagogue, David and my friend ET and I hung out at their light dinner, followed by a heavy ice cream social. And as usual, David appeared happy to see me and paid me a little attention, but I couldn't really get a read on him.

"Guess I'll see you next Simchat Torah," I joked as I was leaving.

"Or before then," he said.

"You were supposed to take me to the transit museum last year," I said. "Is that ever going to really happen?" (Looking back, this sounds kind of shrewish.)

"I know I'm busy this Sunday," he said, "but maybe another."

"Check your calendar; let me know on Facebook," I said. But I'm not really expecting him to. I guess I could email him on FB myself to schedule something. I always thought if he were really interested in me he'd make more of an effort to get together. But if he's very shy, maybe he wouldn't. Also, I realized that I'm not that nice to him. I make fun of his hair and glasses, and tease him for living with his parents. What man wants to be with a woman who puts him down? I'm acting like a second-grader with a crush.

I don't know. Whenever I try to follow dating rules, nothing works, and whenever I flout dating rules, nothing works. I'm good at charming elderly attorneys, but not attractive men my age. I should just marry Gullible and try to scare him into a heart attack so I can inherit. Actually, as an attorney he'd probably make me sign an ironclad pre-nup.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha!! That story was great - I really enjoyed reading it. Subscribing! x

    http://torishness.blogspot.com.au/

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