Monday, September 02, 2013

Señor Creepy Control Freak

Never believe a man who says he just wants to help you improve your Spanish.

A few weeks ago, I started getting to know an older gentleman in one of my Facebook Jewish singles groups. That is, I know he's older, because he sports white hair and a substantial mustache. I assumed he was a gentleman. And I also assumed that since he reads my posts and comments in the group, he knew I was not interested in dating someone his age.

Señor Creepy Control Freak (SCCF) and I commented on a few posts in English and Spanish, and I thought he was reasonably cool. We met in person at a party, and he offered to hang out with me from time to time so we could speak in Spanish. Go to concerts, museums, stuff like that.

So I friended him. And almost immediately regretted it, because he posted on my wall:

Thanks for the friend add. I can already feel your arms around me!

You can what now? I sought to clarify:

You know we're just friends, right?

His response was not comforting.

Friends hug each other all the time.

Oh-kay. Kinda weird. Took that post off my wall.

SCCF also started posting some very strange comments on my status updates. For example: I ordered some clothing online and was waiting impatiently for the packages to arrive. So I posted some nonsense like

Online shopping is the gift that gives twice -- once when you order and then again when you receive the goods. But I want my little black dresses NOW!

My friend Faigie sympathized, and is always on the lookout for a nice LBD:

Faigie: send me links, I need one

So I commented and included some links. My friend Bruria approved:

Bruria: I am sure you will look amazing in whichever dress you choose to wear. Enjoy them all with good health

As did my friend Lisa:

Lisa: Thanks for the links. I will check them out. Can never have too many LBDs.

And then SCCF weighed in:

SCCF: Can we put an M or F at the beginning of our postings? This way, with an F, we men know that the posting is without any interesting contents whatsoever, and we save ourselves valuable time. If there's an M its worth reading.

I'm trying to be more diplomatic and less impulsive these days. On Facebook and in real life. So I didn't respond with my first thought -- "Who the hell are you to tell me how I should post my status updates?"

Ayelet: You may want to unsubscribe from my status updates

That did not satisfy SCCF.

SCCF: Why? Some of your postings are highly interesting and your comments too! I mean, all M.

Still trying to be polite.

Ayelet: I can't tell the difference between what you consider M and F. Sorry.

Actually not all that sorry -- not at all sorry -- but again trying to be diplomatic.

SCCR: Well, a posting about your dress with 3 or 5 buttons ordered early evening or late nite is not very interesting for a man, I guess....

That's not my problem, dude. You don't have to read everything I post. Fortunately, my Very Modest Friend changed the subject.

VMF: Too bad the dress above is so short...

Initial thought: "That is fine for a big slut like Ayelet." Second thought:

Ayelet: It will be longer on me. I'm very short.

Fortunately, VMF approves.

VMF: That works! I'm 5'10" and all my height is in my legs.

Apparently that was interesting to SCCF:

SCCF: Wow, legs with a woman on top, that should be interesting!

VMF is modest, but she's no prude.

VMF: My husband finds it convenient.

Which concluded that elevated exchange of ideas. A few days later, I put together a "manager's" computer desk chair that I ordered online. I was very proud of myself, but unfortunately actually sitting in the chair gave me horrible muscle spasms. The seat is too long for my thighs, and I couldn't make the chair short enough so my feet could rest on the ground. Some of my friends sympathized.

Lisa: Poor us short girls

Ayelet: Well, I learned two things: 1) I can assemble a desk chair, 2) I need a REALLY small one.

Apparently this was interesting enough to SCCF:

SCCF: Good Voch, hope you had a nice Shabbes celebration! Could you send me a pic of the chair? I happen to be on the market for a desk chair.

Selling it to a friend is easier than taking it back to the store.

Ayelet: It's $100 online, I'm offering it for $50!

And I attached a link to a photo of the chair. A few other friends weighed in.

Margalit: Super proud of you for assembling it yourself!!

Bina: Good for you for your efforts, but sorry the result was not up to par!

Ayelet: Well, it was a learning experience. Hopefully someone will want to buy the chair off me.

SCCF: Ayelet, can it be used if one is not a manager but a plain proletary?

Ayelet: I won't tell if you don't

And that was the end of that exchange of ideas. But I came away with the impression that SCCF was interested in the chair. Unfortunately, when he called at 10:15 p.m. last night, I was too tired to talk to him. I'm stuck in my work schedule; my body wakes early and falls asleep early. Also, who calls a casual acquaintance that late at night?

I called him back this morning (Labor Day, so I was at home). "Sorry I couldn't talk last night," I said. "After 10 p.m. is late for me."

"10 p.m. is late for you? Aren't you a grown woman?" he asked.

Huge red flag. Because it makes people feel anxious and insecure, putting someone on the defensive is a preferred technique of abusers, whether they target adults or children. It's a way of exerting control.

"I'm a grown woman who gets up at 5:30 a.m. every day, so 10 p.m. is late for me," I clarified.

That didn't help. "But you didn't have to wake up at 5:30 a.m today, did you?" he asked.

Am I on trial here? "I still wake up early and get tired early; my body is used to that," I said.

"So you're not in control of your own body, is that what you're saying?" he persisted.

"Were you calling about the chair?" I asked, trying to change the subject and increasingly uncomfortable.

"No," he said. "I realized that I've sat on chairs like that, and they make my tushy sweat. I need one of those mesh chairs, but they're very expensive."

First: um, GROSS. I don't want to think of his aged hairy ass sweating. Second: cheapskate.

"Try craigslist," I said. "What did you want to talk about?"

"You know I'm in a fight with Sol in the Facebook group," SCCF said.

"What kind of fight?" I asked.

"Well, he posted that the first time you have sex with someone is always the best time."



Stunned. Did he seriously start talking about having sex with a woman he barely knows? How on earth could anyone consider this appropriate?

"And I disagree," he continued blithely. "I believe that each time you have sex with a woman, it gets better and better. And if you're a person like me who likes to have sex every day --"

I cut him off. "I'm not comfortable talking about this with you," I said, trying to purge my mind's eye of the image of his sweaty hairy aged ass banging some unfortunate woman.

"Why not?" he pushed. "You discuss sex with me in the Facebook group all the time."

Well, now I know what he really wants from me. And it's not a chair or a Spanish lesson.

"I'm not comfortable talking to you," I said. "I'm hanging up." Which I did. He immediately called back and left an indignant message about how all over the world people understand it's rude to hang up on someone else. Apparently he thinks all over the world it's appropriate to push women into talking about sex, or whatever you want -- and only what you want. I disagree.

Also: WTH? He knows I'm intelligent. He knows I'm feisty. Why on earth would he think he could push me into having sex with his aged hairy sweaty ass?
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. I feel like I just found a funny TV show that I never knew about!