Monday, October 28, 2013

Do something. SOMETHING. Like, NOW.

There aren’t a lot of Jews that keep kosher on OKCupid, and so far, kashrut is just about my own Jewish practice. I can’t seem to abandon it completely. This doesn’t mean I don’t eat in Burger King – I just limit myself to the fish sandwich and onion rings. I went to the famously kosher-style Ben’s Deli last week and felt guilty for eating a few bites of my date’s “deli omelet” (made with pastrami and corned beef). Especially since the date turned out to be a total douche, but that’s another disappointment I don’t feel like documenting.

I’m writing about a guy on OKCupid who needs to do something already. He visited my profile several times but didn’t contact me – perhaps because he’s somewhat of a rotund fellow. Not really my preference, but he seemed nice, so I rated him four stars.

OKCupid has this thing where if you rate each other highly, they notify both of you. Finally, after weeks of loitering, he sent me a message:

Just a T-shirt and body lotion? Wow!

(I write on my profile that I can dress to the nines but prefer lounging at home wearing only a t-shirt and body lotion. Which might be why so many men in their 20s and early 30s have been writing me.) I responded:

I like being comfortable at home :)

I thought that would open up some kind of conversation, but not so much.

Hence the lotion, I assume. ;)

Um, duh, yeah. I’m still waiting for him to go on to something more substantive.

Carry it in every purse I own, plus a few bottles in the apartment. I’m a hedonist ;)

That was probably a mistake. If I want to be taken seriously, I shouldn’t sexualize every conversation I have with men. And it did me no good.

Is anyone against hedon?

Technically not a word, but I’m not going to go Grammar Gestapo on him.

Triathletes.

Because I seriously do not understand triathletes. Somebody dies in every triathlon that is held, and yet it’s still legal. But he had a theory.

I think they're in it for the endorphin rush. Plus, some chicks dig triathletes...

Why aren’t you asking me more substantive questions about myself???

True, forgot about endorphins.

Waiting for him to take the lead isn’t getting me anywhere, because all he said was:

Yeah. Never did anything for me.

I left it there for three days. And decided to give him (and myself) another chance to actually start talking:

How was your weekend?

He was forthcoming, at first:

Not the most exciting... But I did have some good meals, took some good walks, spent some quality time with my younger daughter and my older sister and... Wait for it... Bought some new jeans. :)
I hope yours was more exciting than mine! :)

I’m going to say just enough to get him to say more:

Not more exciting, but relaxing.

Nope, still didn’t work.

Buying the jeans was pretty relaxing. Not that it's a competition...

That’s his last word. That’s where I left it. Did I spoil things by mentioning the h-word? What is wrong with men – why can’t they just talk to women?

Another problem popped up for me today. An alleged 32-year-old with washboard abs who calls himself something like “hotdog246.”

hello sweet how are you

Why would a man in terrific shape 11 years my junior be interested in me? Does he think I have money or something? I decided to play along.

not bad -- getting through another damn Monday

His response was a little too cute.

aww sorry to hear that sweetie pie

Is he for real? I much doubt it. Still, let’s play along:

how are you?

His response was extremely enthusiastic:

i m great how about you cutie pie ? you are so cute

I’m not cute, I'm skeptical. But polite, for now:

You're very friendly ;)

This spurred him on to declare:

i m friendly bec of you being so cute and sweet :) so what type of guys are you into

I haven’t answered yet, largely because I’m pretty sure he’s running some kind of scam. It would be nice to get this kind of sincere attention, but all I seem to attract are men who buy jeans and can’t stop talking about them.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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