Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Ayelet is not looking for booty calls

While recovering from this depression, I haven't closed the door to dating. I thought it might help me ease back into life while not rushing into sexual intimacy. So far I've gone out once each with two nonreligious Jewish men from OKCupid.

It feels strange to me to think about eating in a non-kosher restaurant. Or going out on a Friday night. Even though I'm completely not shomer shabbat at home. But I don't generally go out shopping or to entertain myself (movies, clubs, museums, etc.) on Shabbos. Especially weird since one of the nonreligious guys lived and taught in Korea, where he ate everything, including dog. I still can't eat non-kosher chicken.

So we probably weren't compatible, and he definitely agrees because he hasn't called. The other went on one date with me, scheduled another, canceled it, called me three times without rescheduling, and that was it. Although he still looks at my profile from time to time.

A few days ago, when I was awake at 12:13 a.m., I thought it was a good time to rejoin Jwed because I would really get the whole day's value. I had twenty unread emails in my inbox. Most of them were from men I didn't find remotely attractive, but three seemed interesting. Especially the 30-year-old.

I'm going to call him "Even Younger Guy" (EYG) because one of the other two is a year younger than I am, so he's "Younger Guy" (YG). The third I didn't recognize (his photo is password-protected). I could see we'd emailed back and forth years ago, but honestly could not remember who the heck he was. Which I like to think is evidence of how many men I have dated and not early-onset dementia. Call him "Guy from my Past" (GFMP).

So I re-upped, read my emails, and answered the three of them. GFMP didn't respond; he currently has a free membership. But he gave me his phone number in the email he sent me, so I called him. Turns out we went out more than five years ago, and he wants to set me up with a friend of his, an Egyptian Jew.

That's not a problem; I love Sephardim. But the first thing GFMP said, and kept emphasizing, is that the guy has a good neshoma (soul). Emphasized it several times. That does not bode well. It's like telling a man, first thing, that she has a great personality. Sure, it's important to be with someone who has a good soul, but if that's the only attribute emphasized, you wonder about the rest.

"What does he do?" I asked.

"He has a limo," said GFMP. "Makes six figures. He makes a lot more money than a lot of people with master's degrees." Including, I am not ashamed to admit, myself. But... what would we have to talk about? "How was your day, dear?" "I drove people around."

"What does he look like?" I temporized.

"He's... a... little chubbier than me," minimized GFMP. I began to get an instant mental picture. Not a good one. An obese one. So I am reluctant. GFMP pushed hard for me to consider this option. I started remembering more about our date five years ago -- and remembered that afterward, he'd tried pretty hard to get me to go out with this guy as well.

Most of my friends -- Harriet, Boaz, Alona, to name a few -- tell me I'm beautiful, despite being somewhat overweight. Not Margalit, who has a passion for the truth:

Hate to break it to you, but you aren't trim and fit either. You have advanced degrees and earn a fraction of that. Who are you to judge? None of that has any bearing on who he is as a person. If you are looking for a mensch who will take care of you, at least meet the guy.

I love her anyway, but I did have a fairly decent response:

Money isn't everything. Also, I'm not grotesquely obese, and my face is very pretty. From the way the "shadchan" kept emphasizing that he's a good neshoma, I worry about how he looks. I'm going to ask for a picture, and if I find him repulsive, I'm not going.

Margalit, fortunately, found that reasonable.

So what's up with the other two? Well, we've been chatting up a storm, and both have indicated an interest in taking me out to dinner. Problem is, they're not following up. Both promised they'd call me last night. By 10 p.m., neither had, so I unplugged the phone and went to sleep. By the time I woke up at 1 a.m. (fucking terminal insomnia), they'd finally both written me:

10:52 p.m., YG: erev tov Ayelet
how was your day? how was/is your evening?
my apologies for not calling tonight. I came home not long ago with mom who is not feeling well from the doctor. hope you understand (atleast you know I have done a good deed today :-)

That is a reasonable excuse. Although part of me does hope he doesn't live with his mom.

11:16 p.m., EYG: are you not home or what, am trying to reach you

That, as my friend Sheina noted, is a booty call:

To me that is a sign that he is looking for play, nothing serious.

I don't know what I was thinking. EYG tried hard to convince me that he wants to get married and start a family pronto, that he never dates girls under 30 because they're not serious about settling down. And I bought it. Shame on me.

Part of me wonders if I'm deluding myself that either of these guys could ever really accept me with my illness. I think I know better than to let them read this blog. But could they really love and want to marry an older woman who has bipolar disorder? The frum world is, in large part, much more unsympathetic to psychiatric illnesses than the non-religious world (Russians, of course, excluded).
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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