Sunday, March 02, 2014

Slow recovery

Apparently it's been about 40 days since I last blogged, according to my friend ET. It has been a real struggle to climb out of this most recent depression. Only in the past few days have I felt anything like close to normal. Most of January and February were spent hiding in my apartment and coping with insomnia almost every night. (It's 2 a.m. as I write this.)

I didn't get the job I applied for in January, and messing with The Man didn't get me another interview. I still haven't gone back to work -- Dr. New extended my leave of absence through the end of March, although that hasn't been officially approved by the disability insurance folks. If they don't approve it, it's possible I could be ordered back to work, although since I had to disclose bipolar disorder on my leave of absence paperwork (along with serotonin syndrome), the administration hasn't been pressuring me like they have during past leaves for knee pain.

I did have a job interview at a different agency -- one that made me fill out an application before the interview, which I resented but did anyway. The interview went well and they've instituted criminal background check proceedings, which is a good sign. I hope all my references answer their phones and say good things about me. It would be so unbelievably awesome if I didn't have to go back to my current job.

I also saw an endocrinologist, and I have a follow-up appointment in a few days: more blood tests and a thyroid ultrasound. I don't think there are nodes or tumors on my thyroid -- I kind of think I'm getting ultrasounded because I have excellent insurance -- but it doesn't hurt to be thorough. It's likely my thyroid is slowly being rendered out of commission from the years of lithium therapy, but the last time I saw the endocrinologist, she said I might be able to get away without hormone replacement for a while yet.

For a while during my depression I stopped using the Apostherapy devices. It just got painful, and I knew I needed an adjustment but couldn't leave the apartment. Fortunately, when I finally was able to reschedule and attend, I learned that I kept most of the progress I made before my recent depression and I'm right on track. My physical therapist is very proud of me, and the pain is manageable.

Speaking of pain, I'm going to my sister for the sedarim. Yes, my mother will be there. No, this doesn't change anything. I'm going for the children. Malka called me to talk about colleges and said the kids are thrilled I'll be there. We had such a nice conversation -- apparently she has a friend who likes writing and has long dark hair. "Every time I see her I think of you," she said. She's thinking of me! She still loves me! She hasn't forgotten me! This makes me extremely happy. I have a ton of makeup I bought for her and her sister and can't wait to put it on them.

And then there's dating.

I went on two first dates through OKCupid. One guy seemed to like me, but he's distracted by work issues and his ill and elderly Shih Tzu, so we haven't gone out again. The other was very cute and extremely, extremely polite -- so polite I was fooled into thinking he was attracted to me. The compliments sounded sincere; he said he was having a great time. But at the end of the date he gave me a hug and cheek kiss, and hasn't contacted me since (it's been more than two days).

So I rejoined Jwed, hoping it won't be good money after bad, because I had a number of emails in my inbox that I couldn't read. Among them were three non-repulsive men who have expressed interest in me. One is only 30, so I doubt that will go anywhere, but the others are close to my age.

All of them are orthodox, which feels kind of weird. But dating completely non-religious Jews felt weirder. For example, the extremely polite gentleman spent a few years teaching English in Korea. While there, yes, he tried their national food: dog. Only once, but that is traifer than traif. I'm not sure I could share a kitchen with someone who might not want to give up pork, shellfish, and octopus. Although I reminded him that octopi are intelligent and fascinating creatures that we maybe should admire rather than consume. Perhaps that's why he hasn't called.

I don't know how I'd feel about going right back into the orthodox community. Part of me thinks it's moot since these guys will probably never be able to accept me with my bipolar disorder. Then again, Ivan the Terrible couldn't accept me completely and he's definitely not orthodox.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"


  1. I was impressed to see a picture of Frida Kahlo de Rivera on your blog:)
    Is she your role model?
    I have been using a portrait of Giordano Bruno for my avatar until I learned about his anti-jewish views.

    1. Yes, I identify with her as a tortured artist. She was more tortured, and a better artist, so it's a bit of a reach ;)