Friday, March 07, 2014

Too young to be viable

Before you judge me for deluding myself into thinking that I could seriously date and marry a 30-year-old man when I'm 43, in my defense I'd like to submit Exhibit 1: my email correspondence with the Even Younger Guy.

EYG first wrote to me in early February, before I renewed my Jwed subscription:

Hey Ayelet,

It's THAT time of the year again! If you're interested, let's chat online and get to know each other a bit. If all goes well, we can meet up in person and have something to look forward to this February. Talk soon I hope...


He's cute in his picture. Seriously cute. Full head of thick hair, dimples, blue eyes, great smile, nice build. I thought... what the hell. But OKCupid is full of 20- and 30-somethings who want to tap Ayelet. So I decided to let him know upfront why I re-subscribed.

Hi EYG, 

Thanks for writing. Sorry that I didn't re-up in February, it was a busy month. But I have to say: I'm only looking to date men that I could marry.


He wasn't put off.

EYG: hi,
Never too late, ...
I like your line but how would you know if you would marry that person before u actually date?

Ha ha. Of course you have to actually date someone before you marry and reproduce with them.

A: That's a good point ;) I guess the age difference seems kind of drastic to me. I don't like dating men who are more than 4-5 years older than I am, and I've never dated anyone 13 years younger.

He wasn't fazed. Or pushy.

EYG: That's up to u, I have only dated over 30 I don't like younger, I'm mature and belong there, we getting along well, I own a company.
U still planning to have kids? 

He's pretty much as blunt as I am. Fine, I'll be honest as well.

A: I would like to try to have at least one child.

Because I honestly don't know if I can. I don't know if I have any eggs left, or if my body and brain could tolerate pregnancy.

EYG: Your time is clocking... now days u can still have, would u have even u aren't married?

That is something I would never consider.

A: No. My father died when I was very young, and I would never bring a child into the world without a father. Also, raising children is a huge undertaking, and I don't think I could go it alone.

His response was realistic.

EYG: Thats very true, so that means u have to get married within the next year

I didn't answer how unlikely I believe that to be. I want to exude a gentle confidence in my own desirability. But... sounds like he's looking to get married sooner rather than later, right?

A: Pretty much ;)

So he made it official.

EYG: With hashem's help!! I'm also looking to get married soon

A: Well, then we have at least one thing in common :)

EYG: Lool
Now we have 2, sense of humor ;)

A: Kaboom! ;)

EYG: Hahaha almost 3 things in common keep going:))

I've already emailed too much with this guy. Guys tend to email ad infinitum and not proceed to phone calls and actual dates. So I'll try to subtly steer him in the right direction.

A: We could keep guessing, or we could meet in person and find out for sure ;)

EYG: Yea that's ideal... maybe will find out we got 20 things in common, maybe a baby will be soon lol

Subtlety isn't helping.

A: Well, before we conceive a child, maybe we should talk a little ;) And it's not just about what we have in common. I think we'll have a lot in common, but also a lot different, and it's how we negotiate the differences that matters.

EYG: How about to conceive without talk? Lol
Yes we sure will find differences, its normal, we after all 2 humans, but will work on those and negotiate,
How r u today, working? What's the menu....

He doesn't need to know I'm out on leave. Not yet, anyway.

A: Gotta work if I wanna eat ;) It's been pretty quiet. How is your day going? What do you do?

EYG: Chick don't eat, haha
I'm working now, free in after Noon to conceive if u like
I have my own business, imports, company is in NJ, what do u do?

I am not meeting him the same afternoon of the morning he emails me. That will lead him to believe that I'm always available at a moment's notice. Something that's always available is less desirable than something that's available only sometimes.

A: This chick likes to eat ;) I have a doctor's appointment and then a shiva call after work. I'm not sure I'll be in the mood to conceive.

EYG: Wow shiva call? That's sad, old person?
What doctor u going to see? To stop the BC?
What do u like to eat?
And if not today let's conceive tomorrow!
Do u use whatsapp?

I'm not ashamed to say I have no idea what whatsapp is. But I'm pretty sure it involves texting, which is my least favorite means of communication. So I am not signing up.

A: The man who died was 97. Lived a long, full life. He's my good friend's father-in-law.
I've been getting whatsapp spam but I don't use it. I don't even really know what it is. What is "the BC"?
In terms of what I like to eat: Noodles (especially Japanese), fresh fruit, interesting salads, steak, Mexican food (which you can't find kosher in Manhattan, which is probably a good thing), and melted cheese. 

EYG: Haha do u eat non kosher too? I love Mexican spicy food!!! Yumm. I love steak and pasta :)
BC mean Birth control lol
Do the whatsapp it's amazing I love. It we can chat easy on it,!!

I'm going to ignore his allusion to birth control. After all, we've been talking about conceiving, so it's not a tremendous boundary violation -- more like a minor border skirmish.

A: Nonkosher dairy, not meat. I don't have a smart phone, so I don't think whatsapp would work for me. And I prefer chatting in person :) 

HINTING... but it only led to more emails.

EYG: I also do dairy, not a big meat person anyways..
Yea chatting in person is real, I agree!!
And u can only conceive in person lol
How was your night? Freezing away here, had a large coffee to warm up my engine, heading to work now.

A: I don't eat a lot of meat, but when I do I loooooooove it ;) My night was okay, but I hate going outdoors. Brr.

EYG: Do u drive? I don't mind going out have warm in car....
Whatever I eat I love!!!! Haha getting now lunch,
What's ur deal today?

A:I know how to drive, but I don't have a car because I live in Manhattan. I don't think I've actually driven since 2000, but my license is current.
Today I don't have any appointments after work.

EYG: Wow that's a while, when u go out of town u also don't drive?
Isn't it fun to... im enjoying it,
So this evening u are free to meet up and conceive a baby?

Not sure what he meant by "Isn't it fun to... im enjoying it" -- driving? all this damn emailing? Whatever he means, he's not getting closer to calling me, so I'm going to be a little less subtle.

A: I haven't had to drive when I go out of town. I usually am visiting people with cars, and they drive me around. How about we talk this evening and make plans to get together soon?

EYG: That sounds good if u give me ur # ill call u later in evening

So I did. And as you may remember, he tried to call me at 11:16 p.m.  I wrote back the next morning.

A: Sorry -- I get up at 5:30am for work (starts at 6:45am). so I turn my phone off at 9.

I’m actually not sorry. I'm annoyed. This isn't going well.  Or going anywhere.

EYG: That's ok.... can I call u now? I would if maybe we can meet this evening

Again: NOT going to make plans for a same-day first date.

A: Sorry -- this evening won't work. 

Not because I have plans. Because I want you to call me, dammit!

EYG: Ok, what about tomorrow eve?

A: Sure -- as long as we're not out too late. Getting up at the butt crack of dawn is exhausting ;)

I don't want to sound too annoyed or control-freaky.

EYG: Hahahha u cracking up my butt.... what do u call late, 11 ish? or 9 lol

A: I'm a funny chick ;) If I take a nap when I get home from work, I can stay out till 9:30pm or so. Could we meet early-ish, like 6:30pm?

EYG: Haha like funny chicks..
6:30 is early I get back from work late I work in NJ, wow 9:30 is fast to be done conceiving
Can u do longer nap and stay out little later?

A: It's our first date. No conceiving ;) How early can you meet me?

EYG: 8 because the traffic from NJ crossings is so bad till 7 I never leave before that.
No conceiving? I already scheduled OBGYN appointment,
(being sarcastic i'm sure u realize)...take a deep long nap! Ull be good, we can meet for a drink?

I'm disappointed. Not because he joked about making an appointment for me to go to the OB/GYN. I thought after all this damn emailing we'd go out to dinner. But I'll play through the pain.

A: Sure, we can meet for a drink.

EYG: So we cool for 8? Let's meet close to u since u don't drive, what area r u?

A: Upper West Side. Do you like frozen yogurt?

EYG: Love it, dono about winter though... why u like it?
There are so many places on the upper west to drink!!

He named a street/avenue intersection -- something like Amsterdam and 92nd -- where, presumably, there is at least one bar. Didn't give me a name.

A: Because it's fun :) Even though it's cold outside. The store is very warm, and you get to choose from a bunch of flavors & toppings. I like it. Also, I don't like drinking during the work week because my schedule is so demanding.

EYG: I hear ya, even beer? Lol
What store is that? Where?

I gave him the name and address.

EYG: Is it Kosher? Lol

A: Yes. But I still think we should speak before we meet. 

And... silence. The evening came and went. I didn't hear from him -- not an email, not a phone call or voicemail. No specific plans were made or confirmed. I didn't know if we were having drinks or frozen yogurt. At 7:00 p.m. on the night we were allegedly supposed to meet, I decided it wasn't happening and made myself some pasta with roasted garlic marinara sauce.

But I heard from him the next morning:

EYG: Hey, what's doing
Totally forgot about our date?

Don't be rude, Ayelet. Don't be judgmental, don't be bitter, don't be mad or sarcastic. Just be factual and calm.

A: Sorry, I didn't know where we were meeting.

EYG: Oh ok, not a problem, make up sex is always the best :))))

Another border skirmish. On the plus side, I can tell he's easygoing and forgiving. On the minus side, he's careless and not a gentleman. I just can't take him seriously. So I haven't responded, and I don't expect to hear from him again.

I realize I shouldn't have dived into that blizzard of emails back and forth. I shouldn't have responded to his messages as quickly as I did, and I shouldn't have been as chatty and expansive. Less is more when you're trying to get a man to call you. Men will email back and forth forever if you let them. That's not my opinion: those are The Rules.

Did I screw this opportunity up, or was it never really an opportunity? In any event, I haven't really lost anything. I'm still corresponding with two men in their 40s, and that might lead to a date. If I don't even get a date from renewing my Jwed subscription, I'm going to feel like a colossal idiot.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

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