Monday, December 29, 2014

Yes, it's been a while

It turned out to be something of a difficult autumn and winter. The light box is helping, but I'm still mildly down, lacking initiative, shy, reluctant, dulled. My brain isn't very sharp. This isn't great because I have a newer new job.

I don't want to discuss the circumstances that led me to leave the job I thought was my rescue and salvation. Suffice to say they were humiliating. I have some distance now and can see some of the mistakes I made, including trying too hard and caring too much and pushing myself into a frenzy, which made me do and say really stupid things. Still not sure why I can't stop myself from making these mistakes, even as I'm developing the ability to recognize them as I commit them.

Ever feel like your life is like a car accident happening as you watch and can't stop it?

Fortunately, I found another job where they seem to like me well enough. It's not ideal, but it's not terrible. I'm catching on relatively well, I think, and making some progress. With difficulty. Because I'm not thinking as quickly and clearly as I'd like to. Is "depression brain" a thing, like "pregnancy brain"? It should be.

The knee therapy is going reasonably well, but not so well that I can really exercise enough to boost my spirits. I have to watch it or I overdo it and regret it.

My social life is nonexistent. Officially. Unofficially, I've taken up messing with millennials. Dating for marriage didn't work out for me, now I'm trying to have some fun. Of course I'm being safe, as far as STD protection goes. When things go south I still get hurt. Too easily. Fortunately, there appears to be an unlimited source of millenials who like women my age, so if one doesn't work out, I'm on to the next.

Which brings us to New Year's. After much consideration, and wading through about 300 responses to an ad on Craigslist ("I'm the hot aunt you always wanted to nail at Christmas Dinner" -- along those lines), I might have a date. With a 28-year-old who seems grounded, cute, smart, and nice.

Am I insane for pursuing a "relationship" with someone technically young enough to be my son? I don't know. I don't know if I'll fall in love with him, or with the 31-year-old I had on tap until he allegedly contracted bronchitis. He asked for a raincheck; I guess if I have some free time I'll give him another shot.

I do know that I'm slightly happier and less lonely, fielding all the texts and emails, although the sex isn't as intensely pleasurable as I remember it being with my ex. But then I was young and foolish, so there you go.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"