Saturday, January 10, 2015

Not at the top of my 11-letter game

I'm using the light box and taking Vitamin D, but not operating nearly at my best. Proof of that is that I just typed "I'm using Vitamin D and taking the light box." True, I have TV blaring in the background, but my brain is stilted. I don't feel suicidal, I don't hate myself or feel guilty. But I can't deny that I've got some seasonal affective disorder affecting my concentration and processing.

This feels very apparent at work. Increasingly I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and I've bitten off more than I can chew. I've felt this at other jobs, of course, but at this job it's especially pointed because people keep coming to me for answers I don't have.

My supervisor, the program director, has been working at several other tasks and programs around the agency. She's not always in. When she isn't, people come to me for direction. I just got there.

Maybe it's acceptable that I don't know agency policy and procedures. I asked for a manual but never got it. But I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything about clinical work or social services. When faced with a situation or crisis, I either freeze or fumble.

Yesterday my supervisor announced that she's been promoted. She will be overseeing our clinic and several others at the agency. It's wonderful for her but totally sucks for me. She was a big part of the reason I took this job, and now she's leaving.

Touchingly, several of my co-workers begged me to apply for the program director position. "You have the credentials!" they said. "I know you can do it!"

I have 11 letters after my name. But most of the time I feel like I don't know anything.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

No comments:

Post a Comment